I’m More Scared Of My Friends, Than I am Some Random Crackhead

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Drew: “Hey, don’t tell anybody you’re going out of town on Facebook.”

Me: “Why, I have a housesitter, nosy neighbors who don’t work, and an alarm system.”

Drew: “Still.”

Me: “Drew, what are they going to steal?  The only things I have of any value are going with me to Alaska.  Are they going to make off with my 80lb TV that still has a picture tube, or my three copies of Zoolander?”

Drew: “You have three copies of Zoolander?”

Me: “Want one?”

Drew: “No.  And what if someone breaks in and isn’t looking to rob you?”

Me: “Huh?”

Drew: “What if it’s just some pervert who wants to…I don’t know…break in and jack-off on your bed, or something?”

Me: “Well, two things.  One, I’m never giving YOU a house key, pervert.  Two, I guess I’m washing my sheets when we get back.