And For My Next Trick, I’ll Need A Blow Torch And A Banana Peel!

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If  you’re not already following Jenny Lawson’s (TheBloggess) Twitter feed of people’s awkward confessions, you’re severely missing out.  I think I’ve done every single thing people have written about, at some point.  I’m THAT awkward.  Case in point…

A text conversation…

Me: Soooooo, I saw a kid walking in my building wearing a nice dress shirt and a tie, so I said, ‘Well, don’t you look handsome today!’.

Tracy: And?

Me: Turns out it’s not a kid…it’s a new 23yo substitute.

Tracy: Oh no…

Me: The look on his face…  I went from friendly mom-figure to cougar in about 2 seconds flat.

Tracy: Awesome. Enjoy sexual harassment class.  Again.

It Should Come As A Shock To No One That I Have A Fucking Mental Problem.

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Okay, so I *might* have a well documented school-supply hoarding situation.  Bottom line: if it’s on deep discount, I’ll buy it, and at any given moment, I am completely capable of opening my own OfficeMax.  My coworker used to just find my stash impressive, but now when I text her my victories, she just finds it concerning.

Me: Target clearance!  I just scored 77 spiral notebooks for $8!!!

Michelle: Okay, that’s awesome, but how many can you possibly use?

Me: I use them!

Michelle: You used maybe 20 last year.

Me: See!  I’m covered for almost 4 years!

Michelle: And the 200 you already have in the closet?

Me: Shhhhhh….let me have this.

When A Man And Woman Love Each Other VERY Much…And Have A Hall Pass

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(A conversation via text…)

Me: Is today the day you’re at the Phoenix Open?

Ryan: I wish…still in the office, otherwise known as Super Bowl Central.  I’m saving my media pass for the Open for Sunday.

Me: If if makes you feel better, the only passes I get at work are restroom passes, and they’re not even for me.

Ryan: Luckily all of my reporters can use the restroom by themselves, so I don’t need those.

Me: See, I have to make sure my kids ARE using the restrooms BY THEMSELVES.

Ryan: In theory, what would happen if they caught two kids doing it in the bathroom?  Could they fire you?

Me: No, they’d just make me keep the resulting babies.

Ryan: I’d rather be fired.

Me: Word.