It’s Adam and Eve, Not Eve and Some Jackass.

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Sitting at coffee with my darling George recently, we started talking about our respective love lives, at which time George expressed the opinion that I was “too choosy”.  I prefer to say that I have a keener sense of bullshit than the average human being.  That having been said, I’ve made a cursory accounting of the reasons why I have rejected suitors.  Sadly, this list only applies to the last year, but not-as-sadly, I’m happy to report that I still stand by each and every rejection with zero doubts.

-When asked their three favorite songs…two of them were on Guns and Roses’ Appetite For Destruction, and they listed Nickleback as their favorite band.

-Led with, “So….those real?”  Yeah…real, real unlikely to wind up in your mouth.

-Constantly referred to his sons as “My Boyz”.  First, the z-key isn’t that much more available than the s-key, and secondly, you’re not that street…give it up, white boy.

-Told me that there was “no way” I could “say no to these baby blues.”  You’re 40…no one gives a shit about your eye color at this point, and unless you’re Paul Fucking Newman, you can’t pull that shit off.

-Led with, “I really like the pants your son is wearing.”   Sir, did your neighbors receive a yellow postcard when you moved into the neighborhood?  Are you banned from the internet?

-Used the R-word three times in a five-minute span, even though they knew that I was a special education teacher.  Riiight, so when you’re hitting on a civil rights attorney, I bet you throw some other really awesome words around to impress them.

-“I’ll get you on the back of my bike, if it’s the last thing I do.”  No…just trying will be the last thing you do.  You won’t remember much…the end will be swift.

-When I made a remark about having a lot of Jewish friends, said, “Oh, that’s cool.  You know that they killed Jesus, right?”

-When JOKINGLY asked if he’d ever committed a crime, winked and said, “Well…it only counts if I was convicted, right.”  I had the distinct feeling that I was the only one joking.

-Expressed an admiration for Glenn Beck.  End of story.

-When discussing equal rights, said, “I don’t see why we shouldn’t let gay people be just as miserable, divorced, sexless, and unhappy as the rest of us.” So you want my number why?  Because the best case scenario sounds this attractive?

-On the first date, brought me a dozen red roses and introduced me to the waitress as his “next wife”.

-When told I was a teacher said, “Yeah, but what did you REALLY want to be?”  Well, Sir, what I really want to be now is a giant hand, so I can slap the shit out of you.

-Weird random Capitalizations in the Middle of Sentences.  Granted, he chose words that he Deemed Important, but it still annoyed the Living Shit out of me.

Terrorists…They Care About Your Colon.

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And the angry texting continues…

Drew: I swear to fucking G-d, if I get one more page in the middle of the night to ask something as stupid as “Can this patient have Colace”, I’m going to kill someone.  These fucking new residents are KILLING ME.

Me: First…  A pager?  Really?  In the year that you’re doctoring, are leaches still a thing?

Drew: *sigh*

Me: Also, can we discuss that I’m FAIRLY sure that the Hypocratic Oath covers you not murdering other doctors?

Drew: It would be justifiable homicide.

Me: Because they PAGE you at 3am, asking if they can help a patient poop?

Drew: Because I’m running around night and day, trying to keep them from killing my patients.

Me: I’m sure they’re not trying to kill your patients.

Drew: Megan, I’m not convinced that they weren’t sent by Al Qaeda.

Me: Take it easy, Jack Bauer.  Maybe YOU should have a little Colace.

Guess I Better Stop Talking About Robbing Those Banks In the 80s, Too, Huh?

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(A call from my son’s teacher.)

Ms. Bonn: “So, I wanted to relate something that happened in class.”

Me: “What did he do?”

Ms. Bonn: “It’s not that he DID anything, I just wanted to share a story.”

Me: “Um…okay.  Is this story going to result in an office referral?”

Ms. Bonn: “No, no, no, seriously.  Today we were discussing places we liked to go, and another student in the class raised his hand, and expressed that he and his family liked to go to Chick-Fil-A.”

Me: “Oh crap…” (knowing exactly where this was headed…)

Ms. Bonn: *laughing* “Yeah…so Xavier raised his hand, and said, ‘I would never go to Chick-Fil-A.  They season their chicken with the tears of the oppressed’, and went on to quote exactly how much money they gave to ‘homophobic anti-freedom organizations’.”

Me: “Oh, God.  I’m so sorry he disrupted, but we have some strong opinions regarding civil rights and social justice in our house.”

Ms. Bonn: “Seriously, it’s cool.  I just thought you’d want to know, he actually listens to you.”

Me: “Grrrrreat.  Well, then do us both a favor and don’t mention our governor by name, or you’re totally going to have to write him an office referral.”

Megly McMcerson, Freelance Obstetrician

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Jenny: I swear to you that this baby is totally falling out of me.

Me: It always feels like that the last couple of weeks. It’s normal.

Jenny: (sideways glance) How much money would I have to pay you to look and make sure there isn’t a hand or something hanging out?

Me: Oh, dude, I’d totally do that for free…but I want a favor.

Jenny: You just want permission to put this on your blog, don’t you?

Me: (Smiling)

Jenny: (Lifting dress) I liked you so much more before you started fucking writing again.

A post without the word penis anywhere in it…oh wait…yeah…yeah, there it is.

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Today, I am proud to be an American.  I am proud that a victory was won for liberty, equality, and all of the other values we hold dear.  Today, I am reminded of something that happened with my twins, when they were just eight years old, that gives me not only hope for this next generation, but also for my sons as men and husbands, because, I think they’ll be pretty kickass.

I was doing the daily run around town, picking everybody up, and my sons were in the backseat.  My best friend, Matt, called me, because he and his partner had been in an argument, and so my sons, as it turns out, were listening to my end of the conversation.

*hanging up*

Xavier: “Mom, why did Chris buy Uncle Matt flowers?  That’s so stupid.”

Me: (cautiously…not sure if it was because they’re men, and wanting to get clarification) “Why do you think that Chris buying Uncle Matt flowers is stupid?”

Xavier: “Because they’re fighting, and Uncle Matt is going to know that’s the only reason he’s buying them.  He’s just trying to change the subject, and it’s only going to make Uncle Matt madder.”

Me: (Dying of absolute pride.)

I’ll end this with someone who has found the absolute sweet spot between hilarity, genius, and meaning, Ash Beckham,