And For My Next Trick, I’ll Need A Blow Torch And A Banana Peel!

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If  you’re not already following Jenny Lawson’s (TheBloggess) Twitter feed of people’s awkward confessions, you’re severely missing out.  I think I’ve done every single thing people have written about, at some point.  I’m THAT awkward.  Case in point…

A text conversation…

Me: Soooooo, I saw a kid walking in my building wearing a nice dress shirt and a tie, so I said, ‘Well, don’t you look handsome today!’.

Tracy: And?

Me: Turns out it’s not a kid…it’s a new 23yo substitute.

Tracy: Oh no…

Me: The look on his face…  I went from friendly mom-figure to cougar in about 2 seconds flat.

Tracy: Awesome. Enjoy sexual harassment class.  Again.

Jon Hamm’s Penis Saves the Day…And a Tree-full of Kittens…It Also Saved Kittens

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Thank you, Jon Hamm's Penis...you're my hero.

Thank you, Jon Hamm’s Penis…you’re officially the most fucked up reason why I’ve ever broken up with anyone.

Linney: “Whaaaat, Casey?  But I thought he was great!”

Me: “He was…he was great…until we got serious, and then he became completely jealous and possessive and insane.”

Linney: “Insane how?”

Me: “We got into a fight in public about Jon Hamm’s dick.”

Linney: “Wait…WHAT!?”

Me: “He said some guy looked like Jon Hamm, and I made a remark that I just hoped he was wearing underwear to cover his enormous dick, and he completely went off on me, asking how I knew that Jon Hamm has a huge dick, and why would I make remarks about other guy’s penises.”

Linney: “Jon Hamm’s dick has its own Twitter account.”

Me: “That’s what I said!  He went apeshit on me for being ‘insensitive and inappropriate’.  That, and to be honest…the sex was getting worse not better.  He seemed to think that ‘I love you’ meant, ‘I don’t have to even attempt foreplay, anymore’.”

Linney: “No foreplay!?  Yeah, he had to go.  NEXT!”

 

 

Hammering and Nailing.

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Cop

(The boys, riding in the backseat, spot a “place of business”.)

Xavier “Mom, that place is called The Anvil! Mom, can we go there!? Do they have blacksmiths!?”

Liam: “That would be so cool! STOP THE CAR!”

Xavier: “Mom, why are you laughing?”

Liam: “Mom, this isn’t funny; we really want to see this!”

(silence)

Xavier: “Uh oh.”

Liam: (whispering) “I don’t know what we did, but I bet it goes on Facebook.”

Blacksmiths

Apparently, someone from children’s publishing now works at Sharpie…

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Dear Sharpie,

First, let me start off by saying that I think you make a great product, and your store displays are appealing and really show the full range of your products.  WOW, if you don’t really have some great options in markers!

Now that I’ve buttered you up…we need to talk.  Your marketing department…the ones who made those awesome displays…they need to be fired (Or at least be punished…maybe take away their casual Fridays?).  Again, I think the IDEA is a strong one, but maybe…just maybe…creating a giant white shape, on each of the four sides of your display, so that people could try out your markers, wasn’t such a great idea.  Are you seriously giving the general public a permanent marker and a space on which to use it?  Who did you think was going to take advantage of this opportunity?  Phi Beta Kappas and Baptist Ministers?

Now that having been said…I was shocked at how tame and “public friendly” most of the writing was!  I almost got a warm spot in my heart for the good of mankind!  In fact, it wasn’t until I got to the third side that I saw anything remotely controversial, and it was this:

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Not bad, right?  Okay, bad from the perspective of the aforementioned Baptist minister, but not remotely as awful as it could have been.

As I rounded the fourth and last side of the display…that’s when I found it.

To my GREAT surprise…the transgression in question wasn’t the graffiti itself, but the shape that YOUR marketing people chose for the writing area.

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Now, look, Sharpie…you’re savvier than this.  You can tell me all you want that this is a megaphone coming OUT of that gentleman’s mouth, but I think we both know that it’s not heading OUT, and it’s certainly no megaphone.  Didn’t you notice the entire marketing department giggling all through the development and design?  Come on!  There is no WAY that they kept a straight face when they were pitching this one.  I do, however, give them credit for choosing an uncircumcised penis, for some international flair.

In closing, I think that if you’re concerned that your store displays will lack dicks…don’t be…someone will surely come along and draw one on your display somewhere, to help you out.

Thank you for listening.

Meg

PS…If you look closely, you’ll see a red dick drawn on your display dick.  You’re welcome.

Yeah…sometimes…full price is okay.

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To know me is to know that I am rather obsessed with getting a good deal, and that I don’t pay full price for anything, but…this time…I think that Groupon has crossed the line…

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Groupon, I go to you for half-priced Baja Fresh and discount manicures; my no-no square has no business on your radar.  Furthermore, am I REALLY supposed to believe that this product was originally $99.95?  I know it’s waterproof, but come on!  Unless this thing can talk dirty to me during and play with my hair after…it’s not worth anywhere near that much.

Most disturbingly, apparently over 790 of my fellow Grouponers have jumped at the chance to grab this lovely, and they’ve sold out.  So, friends, the next time I see you pull out a Groupon to pay for your (haircut, pedicure, cocktails, lunch), know that I’m watching you…and I know why you’re smiling…and I know it’s not the 58% you just knocked off your bruschetta.

Children’s Literature is clearly being written by perverts and weirdos. How do I get in on this? Seriously…I’m a natural.

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So there I was…minding my own business, when I randomly found the following book, sitting on top of a shelf.

My Cat's Secret

Fanstastic, yes?  At the time, I posted it to Facebook, asking friends and family (most of whom would probably deny me three times, even without fear of execution) what they thought the possible secret could be.  I mean…come on…it’s a cat.  If they were people they would openly kill with such guile, that authorities would have very little want to even bother prosecuting them for it.  (Although…I have heard of a lawyer who would totally take that case.)  I, personally, was holding out that the cat in question had two separate families,  being that I had recently read this horrifying article, that showed those little bastards were  like traveling salesmen in the sixties, and had a family on every block: http://www.kittycams.uga.edu/research.html.  Another friend was holding out hope that the cat in question was about to come out of the closet (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but I think he was just misled by the rainbow lettering on the front cover.

In the end, the truth was finally revealed…

CatConclusion

Yes, that’s right…an out-of-wedlock, youthful pregnancy, in which the shame of her condition caused her to birth her babies in solitude.  I like to picture her biting on a leather belt, to keep the mewling to a minimum.  Apparently, in this scenario, the birth of unwanted, fatherless kittens is a great birthday present.  Because nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, is a better present than some afterbirth getting on your favorite sweater.

Most alarming, perhaps, is how the cat got into that drawer in the first place.  Apparently, in this tale of shame and woe…they’ve also grown thumbs.  Which begs the question, if they have thumbs, then why no condoms?  Super irresponsible, Tabby.