I Wish Falcon Crest Was Still A Thing

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My sons’ Spanish teacher has apparently given up, and the curriculum now solely consists of them watching Spanish soap operas.

Xavier: “None of us understand enough Spanish, so it’s just a bunch of gibberish, and then a dog runs away, and someone has an affair.”

Liam: “Don’t forget about the ghosts.”

Xavier: “Oh, yeah…and there are ghosts.”

I’m Convinced She Was Drunk…at 8am.

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Things my mother REALLY doesn’t like…violence, guns, tattoos, motorcycles, and men with long hair, so NOTHING about this conversation makes sense.

Mom: You watch Sons of Anarchy, right?

Me: Yeah. Why?

Mom: There’s a quiz online for you to find out which character would be your husband.  (Sends link)

Me: Lol…okay. Mom where did you find this, you’ve never even seen an episode of that show.

Mom: I got Jax and from description he looked pretty good. Heh heh heh.

Me: Jesus, Mother.

 

And, mom…because I know you’re going to read this…a gift from me to you.

 

Please excuse the fact that he looks like sexy Jesus, here.

Baby, Imma Cast A Reducto Spell…On Your Pants.

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Harry Potter Wand

“I wanted you to feel like a wizard every time you watched TV.” Seriously, the best birthday present ever.

(A Text conversation from last night.)

Ryan: Have you gotten your wand to work, yet?

Me: Not as well as I worked your wand last night.

Ryan: Hey-oh!  No, seriously, have you gotten it to work, yet?

Me: I’m trying to program it, now.

(5 minutes later)

Me: Sweetie, I might need you to do it for me, I can’t get it to work.

Ryan: Is it broken?

Me: No, I’m just not as tech savvy as you are. I’m reading the directions, and it’s just not working for me. Still trying…

(3 minutes later)

Me: 😦

Ryan: What’s wrong?

Me: I’m such a fucking Hufflepuff.

Ryan: There, there…at least you’re not a Nerf Herder.

Me: I don’t even know what that means.

Ryan: No one does, darling…no one does.

 

Damn You, Netflix…You’re Making Me Creepy

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(Yet another text conversation gone wrong.)

Ryan: There’s nothing like the smell of spring practice.  The dead grass…the ridiculous parental expectations.

Me: Has any one talked, yet, about the time they “went to state”?

Ryan: Fortunately, those parents are all at Pop Warner.  There actually aren’t that many parents here.  It’s quiet.  Too quiet…

Me: Ruh Roh.  That’s how it always is right before someone trips over what they think is a helmet, and it turns out to be a severed human head.

Ryan: Megan…

Me: Yes…

Ryan: Stop binge watching Bones.  Immediately.

It Probably Wouldn’t Look Good If I Tried To Sell A 15-Year-Old Girl On Craig’s List, Would It?

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Me: “Why isn’t this remote working?”  (shakes it)

Caolinn: “It’s because it’s old…like you.”

Me: (glare) “Watch it.”

Caolinn: “Watch what?  Your hair turn gray?”

Me: “I’m going to shave you when you sleep.”

Caolinn: “You can’t…you’re like 280 in dog years, so you need your rest.”

Me: “Keep digging that grave.”

Caolinn: “Which one?”  (smirks)

One Of These Things Is A Brainless Plastic Doll, and The Other Is A Barbie.

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Liam: “Why are the Kardashians famous anyway?”

Me: (panicking)  “Ummm…”

Xavier: “They’re famous for being stupid on camera…like the Honey-Boo-Boo family.  They just wear fancy clothes and too much makeup, and people pay attention to them.”

Liam: “What…so they’re just like Barbies?”

Xavier: “No, Barbie always has a job.”

Me: “HA!”

*high five*

 

Question: How old do you have to be before you find out the truth…that all of Kim K’s fame is because she filmed herself fucking the younger brother of a D-List celebrity?  And that the rest of them are famous for being the sister of of a girl who fucked the younger brother of a D-List celebrity?

Sex and the Single Heathen

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Me: Um…I’m watching that new show You’re the Worst, and it’s borderline porn…it’s amazing.

Ryan: How do I not know about this show?  Ohhhh right, I have kids.

Me: Seriously, you have to DVR it for when they go back to their mom’s.

Ryan: Clearly, you don’t understand that my kids own the DVR.  The last time I looked on that thing, it had 11 taped episodes of “19 Kids and Counting”.

Me: Oh, please save that for when I come over next week, because nothing says ‘hot makeout sesh’ like watching the Duggars and contemplating her clowncar uterus.

Ryan: They’ve probably only done it 19 times.

Me: Yeah, but I’m willing to bet she only felt six of them.

Ryan: Obviously it was the first six, after that she was playing Candy Crush on her phone, over Jim Bob’s shoulder.

Me:  Seriously, what must that bedroom be like?

Ryan: I imagine that they pray during the act,

Me: The only woman in America, who when she yells ‘Jesus’ during sex…is ACTUALLY talking about Jesus.  If you invite the holy spirit while you’re going at it…does that count as a threesome?

Ryan:  I would like to thank you for asking that question via text, so that I’m not next to you when the lightning strikes.

(3 minutes later…)

Ryan: Megan?  MEGAN!?  Please tell me you were letting the dog out, and that you weren’t smited!?  Or is it smote?

Me: Right, because if I’m laying dead on the floor, courtesy of an angry god…grammar matters.

Ryan: I’m glad we agree on this.