Me: Um…I’m watching that new show You’re the Worst, and it’s borderline porn…it’s amazing.
Ryan: How do I not know about this show? Ohhhh right, I have kids.
Me: Seriously, you have to DVR it for when they go back to their mom’s.
Ryan: Clearly, you don’t understand that my kids own the DVR. The last time I looked on that thing, it had 11 taped episodes of “19 Kids and Counting”.
Me: Oh, please save that for when I come over next week, because nothing says ‘hot makeout sesh’ like watching the Duggars and contemplating her clowncar uterus.
Ryan: They’ve probably only done it 19 times.
Me: Yeah, but I’m willing to bet she only felt six of them.
Ryan: Obviously it was the first six, after that she was playing Candy Crush on her phone, over Jim Bob’s shoulder.
Me: Seriously, what must that bedroom be like?
Ryan: I imagine that they pray during the act,
Me: The only woman in America, who when she yells ‘Jesus’ during sex…is ACTUALLY talking about Jesus. If you invite the holy spirit while you’re going at it…does that count as a threesome?
Ryan: I would like to thank you for asking that question via text, so that I’m not next to you when the lightning strikes.
(3 minutes later…)
Ryan: Megan? MEGAN!? Please tell me you were letting the dog out, and that you weren’t smited!? Or is it smote?
Me: Right, because if I’m laying dead on the floor, courtesy of an angry god…grammar matters.
Ryan: I’m glad we agree on this.