How I Ruin Erections

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(Whilst watching a cable news channel…)

Me: “Jesus, every other ad is for erection drugs.”

Xavier: “Let’s please not.”

Me: “I’m going to start calling this ‘the boner channel’.”

Xavier: “Please don’t do that either.

Me: “Boner.”

Xavier: “You’re the worst.”

Hopefully, Han Won’t Be The Only Thing It Keeps Solo

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Me: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”

Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”

Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay.  It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”

Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”

Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”

Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”

Paddy’s Not Patty’s, Assholes! :)

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Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”

Me: “Yup.”

Student: “What does the green stand for?”

Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”

Student: “Oh.”

Apparently Haberdashery Class Was All Full

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Xavier: “Does the high school we’re going to next year have a metal working class for farriers?”
Me: (under my breath) “What the actual fuck?”
Caolinn: (whispering) “I heard that.  And, seriously, yeah…what the fuck?”

This Is Why I Haven’t Given Him His Own Phone

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This is what happens when you let your 13-year-old text his sister from your phone.  Annnnnnd I know this comes as a total shock, but I don’t use my kids’ real names on here, so I’ve edited the screen shot to protect the TOTALLY not innocent.

text

I Live In A Frat House

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Dinner at my parent’s isn’t a formal affair, even when they’re lucky enough to have my fake brother (my best friend, Matthew) over for pasta.  So there we all were…sitting around the table, while my mother assembled marinara with Italian sausage in the kitchen.

Mom: “Megan, you want extra sauce, right?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Mom: “No sausage, right?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Mom: “Matthew, sausage?”

Caolinn: “Oh, Uncle Matthew wants hot Italian sausage alright.”

Me: “CAOLINN!”

Caolinn and Matthew: (high-fiving)