Paddy’s Not Patty’s, Assholes! :)

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Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”

Me: “Yup.”

Student: “What does the green stand for?”

Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”

Student: “Oh.”

Kids…Can’t Kill ‘Em…Unless…

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Today, I had to take D’Avonte downtown to get a copy of his birth certificate, so he could apply for a post-graduation training program.  We were climbing in the school van, and my purse fell over.

Me: “Oh, great, now I have tampons everywhere.”

D’Avonte: “Miss M…you’re still young enough to have babies?”

Me: “Get out of this Goddamn van, right now.”

Everything Hurts, And I’m Dying.

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Ryan: How was your day, today?

Me: Well…I got to ride in the back of a police car, which is about as disgusting as you would think it is.

Ryan: Your life of crime finally caught up with you?

Me: Me, the campus cop, and the Dean of Discipline were chasing a kid who ran away from campus.

Ryan: Did you catch him?

Me: Ten staff members, five private vehicles, three police cars, four miles, and 90 minutes later…yes.

Ryan: Are you ever tempted to just let them run?

Me: After today, if I had it my way, we would stand on the curb, waving, as he takes off.

Ryan: Let him run!  BE FREE!

Me: “Find your bliss, Motherfucker!”

You Get An ‘A’ For Accuracy.

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Me: “Hey, I need your three sentence summary of the student news.”

D’Avonte: “Ms. M, you KNOW I hate the damn news.”

Me: (teacher face)

D’Avonte: “Fiiiiiiiine.”

Turns in summary…

“They’re talking about Trump and all his bullshit. It’s the same stuff with his bitchass every day.  Why do you make me do this?”

As I Wear Flippity Flops…

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For the record, the child is walking the campus in 6″ heels all day…and if you’re not familiar with my blog, the child is a 6’3″, self-identified, drag queen, who comes to high school, dressed for the Milan runway.

D’Avonte: “My feet are killing me.”

Me: (Looking at her feet) “No shit.”

D’Avonte: “Jealous?”

Me: “Every single day of my life, my love, every single day of my life.”

Squirrel!!!

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A few weeks ago, I broke my toe at work, so I’ve been forced to wear one of those ridiculous boots to protect it while it’s healing.

Student: “How’s your toe?”

Me: “Better, but today, I have this weird burning pain.”

Student: “You should take Adderol.”

Me: “So I can really buckle down and focus on how much it hurts?”

Student: “Oh, sorry, I meant Demerol.”

Me: “We’re going to need to have a conversation about your knowledge of prescription medications, one of these days.”