Squirrel!!!

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A few weeks ago, I broke my toe at work, so I’ve been forced to wear one of those ridiculous boots to protect it while it’s healing.

Student: “How’s your toe?”

Me: “Better, but today, I have this weird burning pain.”

Student: “You should take Adderol.”

Me: “So I can really buckle down and focus on how much it hurts?”

Student: “Oh, sorry, I meant Demerol.”

Me: “We’re going to need to have a conversation about your knowledge of prescription medications, one of these days.”

So Much For Telling My Kids the Truth

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Me: “How many teachers are pregnant at your school?”

Xavier: “Four.”

Me: “Geez…sounds like there’s something in the water.”

Xavier: “Sounds like a lot of teachers are having unprotected sex.”

Me: …..

They Don’t Make Enough Soap To Deal With This.

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Bobby: “Miss M, Miss M, I got a tattoo!”

Me: “Seriously?”  (sigh)  “Let me see it.”

Bobby: (lifts pant leg, where he has “MOB” on his thigh)

Me: “MOB?  Like the Mob?  Like you’re a mobster?”

Bobby: “No, it’s ‘M. O. B.’  It stands for ‘Money Over Bitches’.”

Me: (pause) “Bobby…you don’t have any money…or bitches.”

Bobby: “Yeah, but I’m going to get things.”

Me: “If by ‘things’, you mean hepatitis, then, yes, you are going to get things.”

***Let’s not even get started on the fact that Bobby is a 14-year-old freshman, or that he got this tattoo from some dude he met at the park.  And, yes, I called his mother, and no, she didn’t care.  Sigh…

And, Yes, I Am Going To Teach…I’m Just Whining.

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Me: I’m too tired to teach tomorrow, I think I’ll just show them a movie.

Ryan: How about Frozen?

Me: How about Mommy Dearest?

Ryan: Good call, it would make all the parents look good.

Me: Today’s lesson: Perspective.

Ryan: They’ll also learn important life lessons like “Clean your plate.”

Me: And, “No, you DON’T need all those birthday presents.”

Ryan: And, “You can’t beat Mommy at swimming, but she can beat you…with everything in the house.”

Me: So much better than Disney.

Terrified Of What She Will Say When She Brings The Grade Up One Letter

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As some of you know, I do volunteer work with LGBT youth after work.  Last week, one of my girls, who constantly cracks me up, came in SUUUUUPER pissed off.

Me: “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

Maddy: “I’m getting a D in Algebra.”

Me: “Oh, that sucks.  I’m sorry.”

Maddy: “Ironic isn’t it?”

Me: “How?”

Maddy: “I’ve made it very clear that I want nothing to do with ‘the D’, and here I have one fucking me in math.”

Me: *snort*