Kettle…You’re Sirius Black

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Xavier: “Is there a Harry Potter Day?”

Me: “I don’t think so, but if they do make one, it should be on July 31st for Harry’s birthday or on September 1st for the Hogwarts start of term.”

Liam: “NERD!”

Me: “He said…wearing his 7th Star Wars shirt this week.”

Liam: (death glare)

And My Butler Will Only Have Four Fingers On Each Hand!

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Me: I’m winning the Powerball on Wednesday.

Ryan: Best to start planning now.  I suggest permanent Disneyland passes with one of those tour guides that gets you to the front of the line.

Me: And one of those awesome suites as well.

Ryan: Can we just buy an apartment IN the park?  Maybe hidden somewhere in the new Star Wars Land?

Me: Only if the kitchen can be modeled after the Millennium Falcon.  Only cleaner.

Ryan: Much cleaner.  Don’t know what Han and Lando have done on that ship.

Me: Or Chewie!  His palms didn’t get that hairy for nothing.

Ryan: ……..

Star Wars 7…The Search For More Money

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Me: Look!  Campbell’s Soup is even getting involved in Star Wars!

Ryan: Jeez. Is anyone NOT jumping in on this marketing?  What are they going to merchandise next?

Me: Chewbacca Condoms?  Don’t mind if I do!

Ryan: Way better than Han Solo Condoms.  The name alone doesn’t suggest a partner.

Me: Do you think he and Chewie ever…you know.  They were were space sailors after all. Any port in a meteor storm.

Ryan:If you don’t stop, I’ll start speculating about how big Hagrid’s penis was, again.

Me: ……….

Baby, Imma Cast A Reducto Spell…On Your Pants.

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Harry Potter Wand

“I wanted you to feel like a wizard every time you watched TV.” Seriously, the best birthday present ever.

(A Text conversation from last night.)

Ryan: Have you gotten your wand to work, yet?

Me: Not as well as I worked your wand last night.

Ryan: Hey-oh!  No, seriously, have you gotten it to work, yet?

Me: I’m trying to program it, now.

(5 minutes later)

Me: Sweetie, I might need you to do it for me, I can’t get it to work.

Ryan: Is it broken?

Me: No, I’m just not as tech savvy as you are. I’m reading the directions, and it’s just not working for me. Still trying…

(3 minutes later)

Me: 😦

Ryan: What’s wrong?

Me: I’m such a fucking Hufflepuff.

Ryan: There, there…at least you’re not a Nerf Herder.

Me: I don’t even know what that means.

Ryan: No one does, darling…no one does.

 

My Boyfriend Is Sexually Attracted To Cinnabon Hair

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This all started because I texted this picture to Ryan, this morning.

Ryan: Ouch, she’s perfectly thin, but if he really wants to complain, she’s actually kind of old to be a Disney princess.

Me: Seriously.  What was she?  23?  Go retire, already, grandma.

Ryan: She was actually 19 when that scene was filmed.  Star Wars nerd, here.

Me: I feel like I should be giving you a wedgie, for knowing that.

Ryan: I once got into a fight with someone over who knew more Star Wars trivia.  We had a contest.

Me: Annnnnd?

Ryan: You have to ask?  Do I look like some scruffy nerf herder?

Me: Ummm…that answer really just leads to bigger questions.

George Lucas…Trying To Undo All The Boners He Created With Leia’s Gold Bikini

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(Yet another late night text conversation with Ryan that goes awry.)

Ryan: Morgan just informed me that she’s never having children, because Star Wars 3 freaked her out.

Me: She should be more freaked out about how awful that movie was, but maybe, as a father, that’s an enviable position for you to be in.  “That’s right, Morgan…SEX KILLS.”

Ryan: It’ll be like when C. Everett Koop said it, and ruined the sex lives of all American teenagers throughout the 80’s.  Never trust a man with a beard, but no mustache.  It’s unnatural.

Me: Yes, the 80’s…where we all kept it in our pants for fear of death and I owned two pairs of jelly shoes.

Ryan: Nice. Parachute cargo pants. I owned three pairs in different colors.

Me: OMG.  I’m dating you.

Ryan: Oh, but I looked goooooooooooood.

Me: I think we just found the real reason you couldn’t lose your virginity in the 80’s.

 

 

Every Day I Don’t Find Jim Henson’s Hand Up His Ass, I’m A Little Surprised

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Seriously…you see it, too, right?

 

Me: “My dog looks like a Muppet.”

Ryan: “Like Sesame Street?”

Me: “No, more like he looks like that thing that lives on Jabba the Hutt’s ass.”

Ryan: “Salacious Crumb?”

Me: “Huh?”

Ryan: “The thing that lives on Jabba’s ass…his name is Salcious Crumb.”

Me: “You just made that up.”

Ryan: “I did not.”

*silence*

Ryan: “What!?”

Me: “I have to sleep with you.”