It Be Pirates!!!

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So, to make a very long story short… Some criminal asshole made a duplicate of my credit card, which they then used at a retail store, that shall remain nameless, where a sales associate allowed them to use my card SEVENTEEN times in a row for amounts between 40 and $50, resulting in over $700 in charges. Needless to say, this was both infuriating, and a giant waste of my time to get fixed.

Tracy: “What’s going on with your credit card situation.”

Me: “I’m still working on getting my new card and getting all the charges removed. I filed a police report yesterday.”

Tracy: “Has the store offered to send you anything as a way of restitution since they fucked up?”

Me: “I want more than a gift basket for this bullshit, I want somebody HUNG.”

Tracy: “Honey, we all want someone hung, but I’m pretty sure in lieu of a big dick, you’re just going to settle for a gift basket.”

You Have Your Place Of Worship, And I Have Mine…And Mine Has Churros

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It should come as no surprise that Ryan and I are lapsed Catholics.  I’m 90% sure if we stepped across the threshold of a church, that flames would erupt.

Ryan: You going to church?

Me: Why would I go to church?  In the middle of the week?

Ryan: It’s Ash Wednesday.

Me: Ohhhhhhh…that.  No, I don’t want schmutz on my head.  I’m going to Costco, though.  Need anything?

Ryan: Costco instead of church.  What would Jesus say?

Me: He’d say ‘Don’t buy the giant thing of chicken salad, again, you’ll never finish it.’.

Ryan: What would your grandmother say?

Me: She’d say I was going to hell…and to ignore Jesus and get the chicken salad, so she can score half of it.

 

Star Wars 7…The Search For More Money

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Me: Look!  Campbell’s Soup is even getting involved in Star Wars!

Ryan: Jeez. Is anyone NOT jumping in on this marketing?  What are they going to merchandise next?

Me: Chewbacca Condoms?  Don’t mind if I do!

Ryan: Way better than Han Solo Condoms.  The name alone doesn’t suggest a partner.

Me: Do you think he and Chewie ever…you know.  They were were space sailors after all. Any port in a meteor storm.

Ryan:If you don’t stop, I’ll start speculating about how big Hagrid’s penis was, again.

Me: ……….

It Should Come As A Shock To No One That I Have A Fucking Mental Problem.

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Okay, so I *might* have a well documented school-supply hoarding situation.  Bottom line: if it’s on deep discount, I’ll buy it, and at any given moment, I am completely capable of opening my own OfficeMax.  My coworker used to just find my stash impressive, but now when I text her my victories, she just finds it concerning.

Me: Target clearance!  I just scored 77 spiral notebooks for $8!!!

Michelle: Okay, that’s awesome, but how many can you possibly use?

Me: I use them!

Michelle: You used maybe 20 last year.

Me: See!  I’m covered for almost 4 years!

Michelle: And the 200 you already have in the closet?

Me: Shhhhhh….let me have this.

It’s Almost 2015, Why Don’t We Have Hover-Cars, Already!?

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Me: “Okay, but I want to wait until 8 to go, because right now EVERYONE will be shopping after work, and the parking will be ridiculous.”

Caolinn: “How bad can the parking be at Pier One.  It’s not like THAT many people go Christmas shopping there.”

Me: “Yeah, but that plaza also has a Best Buy, a Michaels, a Target, and a Mervyns, so the parking is insane.”

Caolinn: “What’s a Mervyns?”

Xavier: “I’m pretty sure it’s shop for wizards.”

Me: (sigh)

Shhhhh, Mommy’s Other Personality Is Talking

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Me: “Hey!  Settle down back there and leave your brother alone! Santa is watching!”

Xavier: “Pffffft.  Mom, that’s not going to work, anymore.”

Me: “Why not?”

Xavier: “You know why!”

Me: “Xav…Santa is WATCHING.”

Xavier: “But you’re Santa.”

Me: “Think about it.”

Xavier: “Ohhhhhh….”

Liam: “Therrrre we go.”

Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Folly

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I went conservative.  Or my version of conservative...

I went conservative. Or my version of conservative…

While shopping at Target for an ornament exchange I was attending, for an organization I’m involved with, that supports and connects LGBTQ community members with peers and some straight allies.

Caolinn: “What do you want to get?”

Me: “It has to be a un-traditional and fun, bordering on campy.  Those are the ones that everyone fights over.”

Caolinn: “How about this one?  It’s masculine, but also sort of sexy.”  (Holds up Superman ornament complete with abs.)

Me: “Lesbians outnumber the men 10:1 at this thing, I have to find something for my ladies who like ladies.  Wait…do they have Wonder Woman?”

Caolinn: “Nope, but they have this…”  (smirking)

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Me: “Too far.”

 

(Ironically, someone else brought it, and it was a huge hit.  *sigh*)