Autocorrect…Miracle, or Pentecostal Conspiracy?

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Me: My gay far has been impeccable, thus far.

Me: GAYDAR.  Damn you, auto!  You should KNOW me by now.

Ryan: So much for Apple’s smart typing feature.  And all those people who end up with dick in their autocorrect?  It’s because I call people dicks a lot.

Me: Mine took forever to accept that I wasn’t obsessed with duck.

Ryan: Trust me, it’s worse when Siri does it to you.  “I’ve found 30 places for duck near you.”

Me: No, Siri…no, you didn’t.

Ryan: You’d think with hundreds of millions of iPhones out there, she would have learned to lean toward fuck instead, but no.

Me: Seriously, why so puritanical, Siri?  She’s like a grandmother…always trying to assume the best of us.

Ryan: She makes you feel guilty for asking for it.

Me: Asking for it?  What are you asking Siri for, you pervert?

Ryan: Ducks.

Ryan: And cats.  Sometimes I ask Siri for cats.

Men…This Is Why You Think Twice Before Texting Strangers Your Penis.

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Me: “You remember that engineer I went out with last week…the one who got ridiculously drunk?”

Maya: “The one you never called back?”

Me: “Yeah, so, a week of not responding to his texts and calls…I think he’s finally gotten the hint, and then last night, at 10pm, out of NOWHERE…he sends me a picture of his dick.”

Maya: “WHAT!?”

Me: “Seriously.”

Maya: “Just out of nowhere?  What would make him think that was okay?”

Me: “A bucketful of gin, if our first date is any indication.”

Maya: “Do you still have it?”

Me: “Yup.”

Maya: “You gonna forward it?”

Me: “Duh…that’s why I’m calling…to warn you, before I send you a picture of some rando’s dick.”

Maya: “Is it impressive.”

Me: “Not in the least…he should be ashamed.”

Maya: “Even better.”