YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!
Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”
Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”
Me: “Will you be my bad hombre?”
Ryan: “Only if you’ll be my nasty woman.”
Me: (Pensively staring at my 4’10” friend….or according to Google…147cm)
Penny: “You’re thinking about how short I am, again, aren’t you?”
Me: “I could totally put my boobs on top of your head.”
(After I sent him a real estate listing for a huge historic estate…)
Ryan: Great property, and I like the tree-lined drive.
Me: It would be perfect for a dog herd.
Ryan: Dogs? We could just set the children loose among the trees!
Me: I don’t even care if the damn thing is haunted.
Ryan: That might even make it better. Just as long as the walls don’t bleed.
Me: Agreed, I draw the line at supernatural bodily fluids.
Ryan: Wise boundary, you have no idea where those ghosts have been.
Me: Well, yeah, something killed them.
June 20, 2016
dating, Family, funny, ghosts, haunted, Home, Humor, kids, property, real estate, Relationships, sex, supernatural
Linney: Dude. Are you ready for me to be online dating? This gem arrived this morning.
Me: W. T. Actual. Fuck.
Linney: Hefty. It’s got…heft.
Me: Better than ‘girthy’?
Linney: Yes. Or ‘pencil thin’.
Me: ‘Slim-dicked wrestler seeks soul mate.’
(Don’t even ask what started this conversation…our texts have a narrative thread that falls somewhere between mescaline overdose and fever-dream.)
Ryan: How would you like a Trump-Cruz ticket.?
Me: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of me dying.
Ryan: That’s something you could put on Pay-Per-View.
(A second later…)
Ryan: To be clear…Trump-Cruz, not your dying.
Me: Thanks for clarifying, sweetie. Wait, are you saying my death isn’t good enough for Pay-Per-View?
Ryan: Yeah…I don’t think I can win here, so I’m just going to tell you you’re pretty and hope for the best.
May 10, 2016
dating, Donald Drumpf, Donald Trump, elections, funny, Humor, politics, Relationships, sex, Ted Cruz
(If you haven’t watched Romancing the Stone, this entire conversation will make no sense, and I demand you rent it immediately. Whoever gets the royalties for that…I don’t expect payment, but a high-five would be nice.)
Ryan: You’re coming over tomorrow night?
Me: As long as you understand that I MIGHT be a germ risk, and that I sound like Kathleen Turner right now.
Ryan: Joan Wilder! THE Joan Wilder! I read all your books!
Me: This is going to be a thing, isn’t it?
Ryan: Yes, yes, it is.