Friends, when I think of all the romantic places in America, I think about a carriage ride in Central Park ……Napa Valley at The Crush…Washington DC when the cherry blossoms bloom. These places scream of long, slow, wet kisses; room-service-fueled hotel romps, and over-the-shirt, second-base gropings in the shadows of national monuments. These places are, for lack of a better term, sexy as fuck.
So, why is it, that with all these amazing places to choose from, the geniuses over at Amazon came up with this list of America’s 20 most romantic cities…based on which cities ordered the highest number of romantic titles, as well as “sexual wellness” products?
Now…readers, for those of you who have ever actually touched the genitals of another living, breathing human being, I’m sure you can see the flaw in their algorithm. Quite simply, people who are rife with cock-getting…don’t need to buy a prosthetic dick, nor are they watching Rom-Coms by the dozen, while buying every novel printed, that features a spunky virgin being deflowered by a troubled space pirate who is also secretly the Duke of Fucksby.
Seriously, Amazon…who the fuck came up with this theorem of yours? The IT department? Those guys only get laid on World of Warcraft, and even then, only if they pretend to be chicks.
But, let us forget for a moment, shall we, that New York and San Francisco, and all of those other amazing places didn’t make their list of romance. Let us, please, take a look at who DID make the cut.
Holy…fucking…hell. You have GOT to be kidding me, here, Amazon.
Now, guys, I’ll give you Seattle and Vancouver, because that broody, rainy, “What-if-Edward-Cullen-was-real” crap plays well with a lot of women, and I’ll even give you Miami, because it does lead the United States in oily nudity. And Vegas? Fiiine…I’ll even give you Vegas, even though most sexual encounters in Vegas are either purchased or took place in a drunken blackout. But, goddamn Pittsburgh!? That’s not even the sexiest place in the Allegheny. Murfreesboro, Tenn? That MIGHT be the sexiest place to fuck your least-favorite sister. MIGHT BE. And Round Rock, Texas? I’ve actually been to Round Rock, Texas, and I’m frankly surprised you’re getting any business there at all, being that the only three local establishments are a porn emporium, a strip club, and a place that sells 5lb doughnuts. You’d THINK they’d have it covered, already, but I guess not.
Frankly, the amount of blog space that it would take for me to dissect the insanity of this list, would make WordPress shut me down for wasted bandwidth, but I would be remiss if I didn’t address your #1 selection, San Antonio. Now, I love San Antonio…truly, I do. It’s a great town, but no one is going to mistake the San Antonio Riverwalk for a stroll along the Seine. Oh, what’s that over there? A sweet little Parisian cafe, where we can kiss passionately between glasses of Chateau du Coq Noir? No…it’s a fucking Hooters. And who is that mysterious man? A brooding writer who will make passionate love to you, after seducing you with his prose? No…it’s an 18-year-old private, celebrating his first weekend pass from basic training with a fake ID and a pocketful of military-issued prophylactics. Again, I love San Antonio, but tortillas aren’t crepes, and Dick’s Last Resort isn’t Le Moulin Rouge. Seriously, the last man that “went down” in that town was Davy Crockett.
So, dear friends, I beg of you…what are YOUR most romantic cities, American or otherwise? And if you say, Murfreesboro, please, do us all a favor, and give your sister my kindest regards.