So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat. This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.
Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?
Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…I’ve been slacking with the writing, but I’m going to defend myself and say that I’ve been tied up with Christmas, getting back to work, and my ex-husband holding my children for ransom. True story.
Anyhoo, one of you, and you know who you are, emailed me, asking if I’d secretly won the lottery and had taken off for parts unknown. Another of you emailed asking if I was “Seriously dead or just sitting in an asylum and haven’t earned internet privileges, yet”. I think we can all agree that the second option is far more likely.
Regardless…if any of the following things happen, you’ll know who won the Powerball.
A huge animal rescue opens, called “Megan’s Big Bitches (and boy dogs, too)”.
Sully gets to have his balls back. Don’t ask how…it’s just going to happen.
Underwires? Now unbreakable. You’re welcome.
Tina Fey is on a lifetime retainer to do this, every time one of my children fails to follow a direction already given fifteen times.
My new legal name: “Thelonious McWhiskeydick”.
An army of drones will follow Donald Trump to all public events, dropping piles of dildos on him.
Unicorns become an actual fucking thing.
Ryan is now at the helm of a privately owned newspaper, whose only purpose is to campaign for increased teacher salaries and talk about how sexually inadequate all my exes were.
This blog starts delivering chocolate bars, Willy Wonka style.
Let’s be honest…this movie was an episode of Criminal Minds with chocolate.
10. Oprah Winfrey names me one of her new favorite things.
As you may know, we’ve unexpectedly become cat owners, which has been pretty fine for us, but integrating Sully, the dog, has been a little more harrowing, and I’ve been getting a lot of advice on the matter from friends, who are probably REALLY tired of dealing with my stupidity on the subject.
Me: Best day ever!
Me: He licked the kitty!!! HE LICKED THE KITTY!!!
Tracy: Before I respond, can we clarify something. Are you talking about your animals…or is this about you and Ryan?
Me: The animals.
Tracy: Sigh. This conversation just got 100% more boring.