So, Maybe Showing Them Jaws, Two Days After Announcing The Family Cruise, Was A Bad Idea

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For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago…  Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.

At my parent’s house for family dinner…

 

Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”

Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”

Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939.  What do you have to say about that?”

Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”

Excuse Me, While I Just Wrap Myself In The Floury Goodness

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Ryan: Where are you?

Me: I’m sitting, alone, in the kids’ therapist’s waiting room, with my feet on the coffee table, eating warm tortillas out of a bag. Let’s hope no one walks in.

Ryan: Why, because they’ll want some?  Tell them to get their own damn tortillas.

Me: I’ll even share, motherfuckers!

Ryan: No, no, sharing…just stare them down.

Me: I think I figured something out.

Ryan: What?

Me: Why I have a kid in therapy.

So Much For Telling My Kids the Truth

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Me: “How many teachers are pregnant at your school?”

Xavier: “Four.”

Me: “Geez…sounds like there’s something in the water.”

Xavier: “Sounds like a lot of teachers are having unprotected sex.”

Me: …..

In My Head…It Involved Mounties

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Boys: (Murmuring something to each other at the farmer’s market.)

Me: “WHAT did you just say to your brother!?”

Xavier (confused): “Canadian corn.”

Me: “Oh.”

Liam: “Wait…what did you think he said?”

Me (cough): “Nothing…nevermind.”

Apparently Haberdashery Class Was All Full

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Xavier: “Does the high school we’re going to next year have a metal working class for farriers?”
Me: (under my breath) “What the actual fuck?”
Caolinn: (whispering) “I heard that.  And, seriously, yeah…what the fuck?”