I Wish Falcon Crest Was Still A Thing

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My sons’ Spanish teacher has apparently given up, and the curriculum now solely consists of them watching Spanish soap operas.

Xavier: “None of us understand enough Spanish, so it’s just a bunch of gibberish, and then a dog runs away, and someone has an affair.”

Liam: “Don’t forget about the ghosts.”

Xavier: “Oh, yeah…and there are ghosts.”

How I Ruin Erections

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(Whilst watching a cable news channel…)

Me: “Jesus, every other ad is for erection drugs.”

Xavier: “Let’s please not.”

Me: “I’m going to start calling this ‘the boner channel’.”

Xavier: “Please don’t do that either.

Me: “Boner.”

Xavier: “You’re the worst.”

Hopefully, Han Won’t Be The Only Thing It Keeps Solo

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Me: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”

Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”

Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay.  It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”

Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”

Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”

Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”

The Man Does Know His Fusion

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YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!

Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”

Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”

Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”

So, Maybe Showing Them Jaws, Two Days After Announcing The Family Cruise, Was A Bad Idea

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For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago…  Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.

At my parent’s house for family dinner…

 

Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”

Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”

Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939.  What do you have to say about that?”

Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”

Excuse Me, While I Just Wrap Myself In The Floury Goodness

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Ryan: Where are you?

Me: I’m sitting, alone, in the kids’ therapist’s waiting room, with my feet on the coffee table, eating warm tortillas out of a bag. Let’s hope no one walks in.

Ryan: Why, because they’ll want some?  Tell them to get their own damn tortillas.

Me: I’ll even share, motherfuckers!

Ryan: No, no, sharing…just stare them down.

Me: I think I figured something out.

Ryan: What?

Me: Why I have a kid in therapy.