Grandma: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered where this had been all my life.”
Xavier: “The first time I had blue cheese, I wondered what had died and crawled into my mouth.”
parenting
So, yeah…sorry, I’ve been so quiet…I was in Federal Prison. (No, but I’m willing to bet at least half the people who know me wouldn’t be surprised.)
StandardAnd so we resume…
Me: “I still think you should consider taking up meditation. It might help you focus.”
Xavier: “I’ve tried that already, but when I tried doing it in class, it just pissed my teachers off.”
Me: *sigh*
Stockholm Syndrome…Now in Technicolor!
Standard
Xavier: “I don’t remember this movie being so rapey.”
Liam: “Um, yeah…there are consent issues all over this thing.”
Xavier: “It’s like they think setting sexual assault to song makes it allowable.”
Liam: “Seriously, this is just a bunch of hillbillies kidnapping women they can’t have, only instead of a cargo van, they have a horses and a wagon.”
Me: “Well…so much for family movie night.”
***Seriously though…glad the consent conversations seem to be paying off.***
I Wish Falcon Crest Was Still A Thing
StandardMy sons’ Spanish teacher has apparently given up, and the curriculum now solely consists of them watching Spanish soap operas.
Xavier: “None of us understand enough Spanish, so it’s just a bunch of gibberish, and then a dog runs away, and someone has an affair.”
Liam: “Don’t forget about the ghosts.”
Xavier: “Oh, yeah…and there are ghosts.”
How I Ruin Erections
Standard(Whilst watching a cable news channel…)
Me: “Jesus, every other ad is for erection drugs.”
Xavier: “Let’s please not.”
Me: “I’m going to start calling this ‘the boner channel’.”
Xavier: “Please don’t do that either.
Me: “Boner.”
Xavier: “You’re the worst.”
Hopefully, Han Won’t Be The Only Thing It Keeps Solo
StandardMe: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”
Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”
Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay. It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”
Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”
Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”
Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”
The Man Does Know His Fusion
Standard
YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!
Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”
Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”
