I Think It’s Safe To Say I Won’t Be Vicariously Attending Prom

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(A series of texts during the Spring Formal I was chaperoning last night.)

Ryan: Did you bring your ruler, so you can measure if there’s room for the Holy Spirit?

Me: If I sent you pictures of the way these girls were dressed, you’d send Morgan to a convent before she hits puberty.  I need a yard stick.

Ryan: What is your exact job at this thing, if they’re letting them in half-naked?

Me: It seems to be me walking around, using a flashlight as a method of birth control.

(Thirty minutes later.)

 

Me: Goddammit! I was right in the middle of the throng, and a fucking Beyonce song came on…

Ryan: That’s going to be the weirdest Worker’s Comp claim in the history of man.

Me: So…much…flailing…

(An hour later…)

Me: We should have made a High School Dance Bingo card for this thing.

Ryan: Has their been an awkward dance battle, yet?

Me: Check. And now two guys have their ties tied around their head.

Ryan: That’s a corner piece. You’re one girl crying in the corner, from a Bingo.

(five minutes later)

Me; BINGO!!!

Ryan: Congrats. The prize is that you have to call her mother.

Me: Fuck!

I Know…I Shouldn’t Be Feeding This Behavior.

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allllllll-by-myself

Whence your 16-year-old texts you from class…

Caolinn: Can I get my belly button pierced next winter?  Pleeeeeease?

Me: Shouldn’t you be in class?  WTH is going on at that school?

Caolinn: I’m in choir.  It’s a joke class.

Me: Well, I think we’ve established why you have a B.

Caolinn: She’s literally spelling out choir terms.  She just spelled singing.  Would you be mad if I jumped out a second story window to get out of this, because she just spelled ‘choir’?

Me: They’re your legs, but I’m not wiping your ass for you, so take that into consideration.

Caolinn: She just spelled ‘soprano’.  WTF!?

Me: Mark my words…’alto’ is next.  Wait for it.

Caolinn: Winner!

Me: I think we can agree that no one is winning in this scenario.

Caolinn: Truth.

At Least He Knows His Music

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To give some background, Liam has the world’s worst math teacher, whose failed grading policy was offensive to me both as a parent AND a teacher.  Seriously, if I tried to explain it to you, your head would explode, but suffice to say, because of her “system” 80% of her students were failing her class.  I had a meeting with the entire admin and grade level, where I laid out the stupidity of the policy, and now…amazingly…my kid is passing math.  *eye roll*

Ryan: “How’s Liam’s math grade?”

Me: “Well, he’s mysteriously gone from an 55% to an 89%.”

Ryan: “Does he seem happier in the class?”

Me: “I think the ship has sailed.  He doesn’t say anything, but that kid can hold a grudge.  I think he hates her.”

Ryan: “How can you tell?”

Me: “He hums Carmina Burana when he does his math homework.”

Ryan: “Yup.  He hates her.”

This Is Why People Write ‘Bitch’ On My Desks

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(With my students, while they do independent research in the computer lab.)

Ramon: “Can I listen to music on Spotify with my headphones while I work?”

Me: “Only if I get to choose the music.”

Ramon: (pause) “Nevermind.”

Just My Presence Takes The Cool Out Of Ice

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StraightOuttaSomewhere

Ryan and I came of age in the 80’s-90’s, and both have an deep affection for West Coast rap from that era, despite being a pair of pasty, middle-class dorks with zero street cred. We’ve been trying to find a time to see Straight Outta Compton for two weeks, with no success, but THIS WEEKEND…it will finally happen, thus this conversation.

Me: Movie and dinner?  Hardcore couch makeout, after?

Ryan: Tomorrow, yes? Are we finally going to see our movie?

Me: 👉🏻👌🏻👮🏻

Ryan: Did you just emoji NWA?

Me: Yes, yes, I did.

Ryan: *slow clap*

Going To Hell? ROOMIES!?

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Proof that heaven is even more badass, now.

(A text conversation…)

Me: I’m in the waiting room for the kid’s doctor…  First, they were playing Michael Bolton, and now it’s Patrick Swayze’s She’s Like the Wind.  Now, *I* need a friggin’ doctor.

Ryan: Patrick Swayze should never sing.

Me: Well, yeah…especially now that he’s dead.

Ryan: Oooooo….

Me: Too soon?

Ryan: No, too soon would be changing the words to, ‘He’s In the Wind”.

Me: My turn.  Ooooooooooo..