Loose Lips Sink Your Mother

Standard

speak-no-evil

One of the functions of my Attention Deficit Disorder, is that…OCCASIONALLY…something will pop into my head, and then fly out of my mouth, seemingly of its own volition. Inexplicably, the victim of these verbal attacks is usually my mother, who, thankfully, doesn’t always hear me, and on those occasions when she does, usually does nothing at all to discourage me. This, of course, begs the question, does it happen in her presence because it seems to amuse her, or have I, over time, just dragged her down to my inappropriate level?

Exhibits A-E:

(As she pulled the car out of a space.)
Mom: “Don’t worry, I’m going to pull it out.”
Me: “Pfffft, I’ve heard that shit before.”
Mom: “What?”
Me: “Nothing.”

Mom: “Your dad got a huge piece of meat.”
Me: “No wonder you’re still married.”
Mom: “What?”
Me: “Sirloin?”
Mom: (eyeing me suspiciously) “Yeah…”

Mom: “Well, what do you find attractive about a man?”
Me: “A vasectomy scar.”
Mom: (snort)

Mom: “I have no idea why anyone would find that man attractive. Why are women fighting over him? He must have a LOT of money.”
Me: “Or a 5 inch tongue.”
Mom: (slapping my arm)

Annnnd…apparently, it’s not just me.

(My friend, since forever, Matt, talking to my mother, a nurse, about his last physical.)
Mom: “Did they take blood?”
Matt: “Yeah, and hey, I have to ask you a question…is that thing where they cup you and then have you cough…is that really necessary?”
Mom: “Yes, it really is, they’re checking you for a hernia. Have they done a prostate exam on you, yet?”
Matt: “Huh?”
Mom: “Have they done an exam where they put a finger up your butt?”
Matt: “That’s not an exam, that’s foreplay.” (clapping hands over his mouth, trying unsuccessfully to stuff words back in, as my mother doubled-over laughing)

So, You Made Your Kid a Co-Dependent, Drug Addict With Literature!

Standard

curious_george_ether

The Giving Tree: Let’s call this book what it really is: A Manual For Codependency.  Seriously.  The tree gives and gives and gives to this kid, turning him into a little ingrate, and then, only at the END, when he’s used the tree up completely, and he has nothing left in his life, does the kid (now an old man, who has no other options) settle for sitting on the tree, and the tree is content with this.  Giving Tree…get thyself to a 12-step meeting.

Goodnight Moon:  And, dear, Lord, I know I’m burning the proverbial Mommy flag on this one, but I must.  As much as my kids loved this book, and as much as I liked reading it (okay, I admit, in part, because it was short), there is a bowl full of mush just laying around collecting botulism…a rodent in a the nursery spreading Hantavirus, and some creepy old women telling people to hush.  (Am I the only person who gets reminded of The Others when they read that page?)  This joint needs a housekeeper and an exorcism, STAT.

Dr. Seuss…all of them: Look, I love them, I do.  But, maybe fewer pages, Dr. Seuss?  Mommy needs to scramble to catch her only minutes of child-free time, before bed, and there’s a glass of wine and a TIVO of Gigalos calling her name. You’re forcing me to palm 5 pages at a time, like I’m Criss Friggin’ Angel, to fake my kids out that we’re done faster.

However, specifically, shall we cover…

Green Eggs and Ham: Yes, yes, we should all try new things, but the level of peer pressure that is given to eat some horrifying foodstuffs, makes your average cocaine dealer look reasonable.  Is it THAT much of a leap to see it as, “Would you snort it on a bass…would you snort it off a hooker’s ass?”  No, it really isn’t.  Furthermore, maaaaybe, in the short term, we shouldn’t be teaching our children that ‘taking a no’, isn’t an option, because, for today…it teaches them to nag and argue the hell out of everything they want…and tomorrow, it has darker implications.  Also…not all that great about respecting other cultures, Sam-I-Am.  Not a guy who’s down with anyone into Judaism or Islam, are you?  Sam-I-Am-A-Xenophobe, is more like it.

Are You My Mother: Seriously, where was this bitch.  The kid was on his own, from day one.  Where is CPS when you need them?  One-day-old and he’s hanging out on heavy machinery with predatory species.

The BFG: Yes, I’m happy that there is ONE big, friendly giant…but can we please revisit that huge part about children being EATEN by all the other giants?  “And all the other children were eaten in their beds, after their parents tucked them in for the night.” (closes book) “Well…good night sweetie…sweet dreams…don’t let the enormous giants bite…ha ha ha…no, seriously, good night.”  This book is the reason why children take Xanax and hate their parents.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie: Okay, I actually really like this one…it teaches kids the truth…that no good deed goes unpunished.