Terrified Of What She Will Say When She Brings The Grade Up One Letter

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As some of you know, I do volunteer work with LGBT youth after work.  Last week, one of my girls, who constantly cracks me up, came in SUUUUUPER pissed off.

Me: “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

Maddy: “I’m getting a D in Algebra.”

Me: “Oh, that sucks.  I’m sorry.”

Maddy: “Ironic isn’t it?”

Me: “How?”

Maddy: “I’ve made it very clear that I want nothing to do with ‘the D’, and here I have one fucking me in math.”

Me: *snort*

Now, I Can’t Unsee It.

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Ryan: “Has Matthew ever been with a woman?”

Me: “No, he’s what we refer to as a ‘Gold-star Gay’.  He’s only been with dudes.”

Ryan: “Never tried it out, huh?”

Me: “He refers to the vagina as ‘The Eye of Sauron’.  Vaginas never had a chance.”

That’s Right, Kids…And Waterfalls Wash Away All Blood Evidence.

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For those of you who are newer, I am the lucky recipient of the world’s most amazing student, D’Avonte, who is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag-queen, who basically sasses me all day, but does it so charmingly, that I love her more for it.  That and she looks better than I do in short shorts, so I defer to her greatness. Additionally, I’ve taken on a new Sophomore, Ramon, who is this swaggering, sexist gangster, perpetually getting busted for drug offenses. Strangely, the two of them have become friends, which my teaching partner attributes to the fact that D’Avonte could kick Ramon’s ass, even in a wig and heels.

Anyhoooo…we were watching part of the Planet Earth series to supplement a lesson we were doing on the rainforest.

D’Avonte: “Oooooo, that’s pretty…look at all those flowers.”

Ramon: “You could get all lost up in there. That would be a GOOD place to bury a body.”

D’Avonte: (turning around) “The fuck is wrong with you!?”

I’m Going To Assign Dress Code Violations In My Sleep

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Me: “Princess, your shirt is riding up again, pull that down or I’m going to make you wear the spare one in my closet.”

D’Avonte: “You can’t make me take this off.  This is COUTURE!”

Me: “Really?  Where did you buy it?”

D’Avonte: “Where do you THINK I bought it?”

Me: “At the ‘Too Short Shirt Store’?”

D’Avonte: “I will have you know I bought this at K-Mart.”

Me: “So that was ‘Kouture’ with a ‘K’?”

D’Avonte: *eye roll*

As Popular As A Food Truck…But Without Pants.

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My best friend, Matthew, has finally extricated himself from the world’s worst relationship.  His former partner, Kenneth, said some truly terrible things to him, none of which are clever enough to post here.  However, Matthew’s responses, in my opinion, were HILARIOUS.  Two of my favorites:

1. “Kenneth, grow up, if I wanted to date a child, I’d register myself as a sex offender, and then hang myself from my tie rack.”

2. “Get, down off your cross, Kenneth, it doesn’t match the decor, and we need the wood.”

Soooo, the breakup comes as a surprise to no one, but in the wake of this event, Matthew has to change all of his legal paperwork, which led to this conversation:

Matthew: “I’m going to need your Social Security Number; I have to change my beneficiary information.”

Me: “Sure thing, and do you have medical directives, because you need to name someone to take care of you, in case, God forbid, something happens.”

Matthew: “Yeah, I’ll sign it over to you.”

Me: “Just so I know, in advance, if you’re in a coma, and paralyzed from the neck down…”

Matthew: “Pull the fucking plug.”

Me: “Okay.  And if it’s just the waist down?”

Matthew: “Let me live, I’ll still be able to jack guys off.”

Me: “You’re going to be the most popular thing on four wheels.”

Matthew: “That’s right, betches…I deliver.”