Some Parents Don’t Deserve Their Kids

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As some of you know, in all my infinite spare time, I do some volunteer work for LGBT youth.  I hadn’t been able to see this one kid in awhile, who was really struggling, because his parents are traditional, old-school Mormons, and he was deeply closeted, and he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t hurt him or throw him out.

Me: “Heyyyyy!!! I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you!?”

Brayden: (cringing) “Good and bad…I came out to my mom.”

Me: “WHAT!? Oh, wow, are you okay?”

Brayden: “Well, I’m apparently a ‘disappointment’ and a ‘failure’.”

Me: “Arrrrrrrgh, I’m so sorry. But no violence, right? And you’re still living at home?”

Brayden: “Yeah, but I’m grounded.”

Me: “You’re grounded…for being gay.”

Brayden: “Pretty much.”

Me: “What are you grounded from?”

Brayden: “Dick? I’m pretty sure, I’m grounded from dick.”

As I Wear Flippity Flops…

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For the record, the child is walking the campus in 6″ heels all day…and if you’re not familiar with my blog, the child is a 6’3″, self-identified, drag queen, who comes to high school, dressed for the Milan runway.

D’Avonte: “My feet are killing me.”

Me: (Looking at her feet) “No shit.”

D’Avonte: “Jealous?”

Me: “Every single day of my life, my love, every single day of my life.”

Terrified Of What She Will Say When She Brings The Grade Up One Letter

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As some of you know, I do volunteer work with LGBT youth after work.  Last week, one of my girls, who constantly cracks me up, came in SUUUUUPER pissed off.

Me: “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

Maddy: “I’m getting a D in Algebra.”

Me: “Oh, that sucks.  I’m sorry.”

Maddy: “Ironic isn’t it?”

Me: “How?”

Maddy: “I’ve made it very clear that I want nothing to do with ‘the D’, and here I have one fucking me in math.”

Me: *snort*

Now, I Can’t Unsee It.

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Ryan: “Has Matthew ever been with a woman?”

Me: “No, he’s what we refer to as a ‘Gold-star Gay’.  He’s only been with dudes.”

Ryan: “Never tried it out, huh?”

Me: “He refers to the vagina as ‘The Eye of Sauron’.  Vaginas never had a chance.”

That’s Right, Kids…And Waterfalls Wash Away All Blood Evidence.

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For those of you who are newer, I am the lucky recipient of the world’s most amazing student, D’Avonte, who is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag-queen, who basically sasses me all day, but does it so charmingly, that I love her more for it.  That and she looks better than I do in short shorts, so I defer to her greatness. Additionally, I’ve taken on a new Sophomore, Ramon, who is this swaggering, sexist gangster, perpetually getting busted for drug offenses. Strangely, the two of them have become friends, which my teaching partner attributes to the fact that D’Avonte could kick Ramon’s ass, even in a wig and heels.

Anyhoooo…we were watching part of the Planet Earth series to supplement a lesson we were doing on the rainforest.

D’Avonte: “Oooooo, that’s pretty…look at all those flowers.”

Ramon: “You could get all lost up in there. That would be a GOOD place to bury a body.”

D’Avonte: (turning around) “The fuck is wrong with you!?”