Paddy’s Not Patty’s, Assholes! :)

Standard

Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”

Me: “Yup.”

Student: “What does the green stand for?”

Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”

Student: “Oh.”

And Only Because My Moat Isn’t Ready For My Narwhal.

Standard
Me: “Hey, when we win the Powerball tonight, whoever is the nicest gets the first pony.”
Caolinn: *eye roll*
Me: “I saw that.”
Xavier: “Guess who’s getting a three-legged pony with mange?”
Liam: “That’s gonna be one messssssed up pony.”

Anyone Surprised I Wound Up With A Pox? No? Didn’t Think So.

Standard

its-magic-i-aint-gotta-explain-shit

Universe: “Oh…you start high school today. I think two fresh pimples should do the trick.”

Me: “Noooo! I start TEACHING high school today.”

Universe: “Ohhhh, sorry…teaching high school…then let’s make it three.”

Me: “Fuck.”

Every Time Mommy Yells At Somebody, A Demon Gets Its Wings

Standard

My-Little-Pony-Friendship-Is-Magic-Meme(My mother, telling me about her friend’s daughter graduating from Coast Guard flight school…)

My mother: “Mary just sent me a picture of Jennifer getting her wings.”

Me: “Awww, that’s awesome.”

Liam: “Her wings!?  How is she getting wings!?”

Me: “She graduated from flight school.  Why…did you think she was a unicorn?”

Liam: (pause) “No…because unicorns have horns…a Pegasus has wings.”

Me: “Way to focus on the issue, Chief.”

If You’re Waking Me Up Before 9am On a Holiday…There Better Be Inappropriate Nudity Involved.

Standard

How I was woken up on the Fourth of July, this year…

Unknown Number:

IMG_0843

 

Me: Who is this!?  I don’t have this number saved, but I totally want to make out with you for this gif.

 

Unknown Number:

IMG_0641

 

 

And yes, the above picture really IS my friend Daniel, who wasn’t in my phone, and who, apparently, can rock the fuck out of a bikini.

Men…This Is Why You Think Twice Before Texting Strangers Your Penis.

Standard

10300312_10152378433775482_2043172031151069555_n

Me: “You remember that engineer I went out with last week…the one who got ridiculously drunk?”

Maya: “The one you never called back?”

Me: “Yeah, so, a week of not responding to his texts and calls…I think he’s finally gotten the hint, and then last night, at 10pm, out of NOWHERE…he sends me a picture of his dick.”

Maya: “WHAT!?”

Me: “Seriously.”

Maya: “Just out of nowhere?  What would make him think that was okay?”

Me: “A bucketful of gin, if our first date is any indication.”

Maya: “Do you still have it?”

Me: “Yup.”

Maya: “You gonna forward it?”

Me: “Duh…that’s why I’m calling…to warn you, before I send you a picture of some rando’s dick.”

Maya: “Is it impressive.”

Me: “Not in the least…he should be ashamed.”

Maya: “Even better.”

Sibling Rivalry Reverts To Chemical Warfare

Standard

Liam: “Can I get a cat when I grow up?”

Me: “Sure, but then I’m never visiting you, because I’m allergic.”

Liam: “Is Xavier allergic to anything?”

Me: “Why?”

Liam: “So I can fill my house with it.”