Mother Theresa, I Am Not



Every week, when I pick my daughter up from a class downtown, there are lots of homeless in the area, so, tonight, I bought a bag of burgers to give to someone.

Me: “We’ve been driving around for 30 minutes…and we’ve seen no one.  Where is everybody?”

Caolinn: “Maybe they’ve solved the homeless problem since last week.”

Me: “Doubtful…our state is too busy oppressing the gays.”

Caolinn: “Well, how about that guy?”

Me: “Um…no, he’s coming out of Urban Bean…he’s not homeless, he’s a hipster.  It’s hard to tell them apart sometimes, but a $5 cup of coffee suggests that you have a home to go to.”

Caolinn: “Maybe, when we do finally find someone, it will really be someone magical in disguise, and they’ll reward us for our kindness.”

Me: “What, like a friggin’ genie?  Do you think that we’re getting wishes, here?  We’re trying to be nice and FAILING at it.”

Caolinn: “Not a genie…maybe like Jesus, and he’ll let us go straight to heaven like Mary without really dying.”

Me: “Um…that’s nice, but I have unfinished business here on Earth.”

Caolinn: “Fine, maybe not heaven…maybe he’ll just make us immortal.”

Me: “Let me get this straight…you think that in order to reward us for a bag of McDoubles…Jesus is going to turn us into vampires.”

Caolinn: “Well, it’d be cool.”

Me: “We need to go back to church.”