When Real Estate Porn Turns Dark

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(After I sent him a real estate listing for a huge historic estate…)

Ryan: Great property, and I like the tree-lined drive.

Me: It would be perfect for a dog herd.

Ryan: Dogs? We could just set the children loose among the trees!

Me: I don’t even care if the damn thing is haunted.

Ryan: That might even make it better.  Just as long as the walls don’t bleed.

Me: Agreed, I draw the line at supernatural bodily fluids.

Ryan: Wise boundary, you have no idea where those ghosts have been.

Me: Well, yeah, something killed them.

I Live In A Frat House

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Dinner at my parent’s isn’t a formal affair, even when they’re lucky enough to have my fake brother (my best friend, Matthew) over for pasta.  So there we all were…sitting around the table, while my mother assembled marinara with Italian sausage in the kitchen.

Mom: “Megan, you want extra sauce, right?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Mom: “No sausage, right?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Mom: “Matthew, sausage?”

Caolinn: “Oh, Uncle Matthew wants hot Italian sausage alright.”

Me: “CAOLINN!”

Caolinn and Matthew: (high-fiving)

 

Kettle…You’re Sirius Black

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Xavier: “Is there a Harry Potter Day?”

Me: “I don’t think so, but if they do make one, it should be on July 31st for Harry’s birthday or on September 1st for the Hogwarts start of term.”

Liam: “NERD!”

Me: “He said…wearing his 7th Star Wars shirt this week.”

Liam: (death glare)

Car Conversations Never End Well

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Liam: “What was the name of that actor who did the Lincoln commercials?”

Xavier: “Matthew McConaughey.”

Liam: “What was he even in?  Why is he even famous?”

Xavier: “He was in Interstellar, and grown-up women find him attractive.”

Liam: “Mom, do you find him attractive?”

Me: “You mean Matthew McConagh-heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy.”

Xavier: “Jesus, mother.”