The Man Does Know His Fusion

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YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!

Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”

Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”

Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”

We’re Changing His Name To Asshole…Even Though We Love Him

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So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat.  This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.

Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?

Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.

Me: No, thank God.  This…

 

So, Maybe Showing Them Jaws, Two Days After Announcing The Family Cruise, Was A Bad Idea

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For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago…  Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.

At my parent’s house for family dinner…

 

Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”

Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”

Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939.  What do you have to say about that?”

Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”

So Much For Good News

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Me: “Hey, guys!  Grandma and Grandpa booked a big trip for all of us this summer!  Guess where we’re going!?

Boys: “Where!?”

Me: “BERMUDA!”

Boys: “Like the TRIANGLE!?”

Me: …

Xavier: “Is that even safe?”

Me: “Are you kidding me right now?”

Liam: “Seriously, is it safe?”

Me: “Would I ever take you someplace that wasn’t safe?”

Liam: “Did you even SEE Scooby Doo!?”

Me: (throws up hands)

 

When Real Estate Porn Turns Dark

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(After I sent him a real estate listing for a huge historic estate…)

Ryan: Great property, and I like the tree-lined drive.

Me: It would be perfect for a dog herd.

Ryan: Dogs? We could just set the children loose among the trees!

Me: I don’t even care if the damn thing is haunted.

Ryan: That might even make it better.  Just as long as the walls don’t bleed.

Me: Agreed, I draw the line at supernatural bodily fluids.

Ryan: Wise boundary, you have no idea where those ghosts have been.

Me: Well, yeah, something killed them.