How I Ruin Erections

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(Whilst watching a cable news channel…)

Me: “Jesus, every other ad is for erection drugs.”

Xavier: “Let’s please not.”

Me: “I’m going to start calling this ‘the boner channel’.”

Xavier: “Please don’t do that either.

Me: “Boner.”

Xavier: “You’re the worst.”

Probably Not The First Time Someone Sat On Han’s Face

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Yes, yes, I know…two posts in a row about fucking novelty bedding. It also should be noted that my sweet, brilliant, rational boyfriend goes completely ape-shit nerd when discussing some sort of controversy regarding whether Han Solo or Greedo shot first in the original movies. It has come up roughly three million times.

Me: Liam is spending his first night in his new Star Wars sheets.

Ryan: Do they make those for a queen-sized bed?  I’m asking for a friend.

Me: Yes, but would you really be comfortable getting off in front of Han?

Ryan: It’ll be the first time he didn’t shoot first.

Me: Fine, but if you start making ‘pew pew’ noises during climax, I’m going to be super put off.

Ryan: ..

Me: You’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?

Ryan: Maaaaaaybe?

Hopefully, Han Won’t Be The Only Thing It Keeps Solo

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Me: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”

Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”

Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay.  It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”

Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”

Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”

Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”

The Man Does Know His Fusion

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YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!

Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”

Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”

Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”

We’re Changing His Name To Asshole…Even Though We Love Him

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So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat.  This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.

Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?

Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.

Me: No, thank God.  This…

 

So, Maybe Showing Them Jaws, Two Days After Announcing The Family Cruise, Was A Bad Idea

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For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago…  Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.

At my parent’s house for family dinner…

 

Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”

Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”

Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939.  What do you have to say about that?”

Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”

So Much For Good News

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Me: “Hey, guys!  Grandma and Grandpa booked a big trip for all of us this summer!  Guess where we’re going!?

Boys: “Where!?”

Me: “BERMUDA!”

Boys: “Like the TRIANGLE!?”

Me: …

Xavier: “Is that even safe?”

Me: “Are you kidding me right now?”

Liam: “Seriously, is it safe?”

Me: “Would I ever take you someplace that wasn’t safe?”

Liam: “Did you even SEE Scooby Doo!?”

Me: (throws up hands)