When A Man And Woman Love Each Other VERY Much…And Have A Hall Pass

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(A conversation via text…)

Me: Is today the day you’re at the Phoenix Open?

Ryan: I wish…still in the office, otherwise known as Super Bowl Central.  I’m saving my media pass for the Open for Sunday.

Me: If if makes you feel better, the only passes I get at work are restroom passes, and they’re not even for me.

Ryan: Luckily all of my reporters can use the restroom by themselves, so I don’t need those.

Me: See, I have to make sure my kids ARE using the restrooms BY THEMSELVES.

Ryan: In theory, what would happen if they caught two kids doing it in the bathroom?  Could they fire you?

Me: No, they’d just make me keep the resulting babies.

Ryan: I’d rather be fired.

Me: Word.

 

Please Don’t Read This Post…It’s The Worst

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Seriously…if you’re REMOTELY conservative or squeamish…this isn’t your post.  Maybe go find the one where I talk about Panda Porn…it’s still rank, but somehow slightly adorable.

Ryan: Hey, I’m on the 14th hole, so we should be done soon.  Do you want to come over at 5?

Me: Sounds good.  How’s the score?

Ryan: Terrible.  I’m playing badly, even for me.

Me: Start mooning them when they tee off.

Ryan: I don’t think that’ll be enough, they’re all lawyers…they’ve seen things.  We’ve been throwing out the names of disgusting sex acts from Urban Dictionary all afternoon to try and throw each other off.

Me: Have you already tried Cleveland Steamer?

Ryan: Are you kidding?  That’s where we started.  It’s been a dark, dark day.

Me: How does that stuff even get started?

Ryan: No idea.  Too many drunk men lying about things they’ve gotten away with?

Me: Women would never do that.

Ryan: 1. It’s disgusting and no one should be doing it.  2. Women would be judged more…not that this is fair.

Me: Yes, women and men will never truly be equals…until ladies can lie to their girlfriends about taking a dump on a man’s chest.

Ryan: I just laughed so hard that one of my friends sliced.

Me: My work here is done.

Update: I feel it necessary to point out that women don’t poop. Ever. We’re magical.

Hey, We’ve Met…None Of This Should Come As Any Surprise

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(Yes, I know this picture has NOTHING to do with the post, but it amused the crap out of me, so that’s enough in my book.)

Caolinn: “Our sports assembly was stupid. They let the golf team hit numbered balls into the stands, and if you caught one, you got a doughnut. Now, please tell me…what teenage girl is going to want balls flying at their face?”

Me: *snort*

Caolinn: (sigh) “Mother, please…”