I’m Going To Be Banned From Yet Another Business.

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Me: You know that feeling when you realize that you narrowly missed a close call with disaster and/or death?

Ryan: Um, yeah…are you okay!?

Me: I just had one of those at Home Depot.

Ryan: Power tool demo?  Something almost land on you?

Me: A young guy was helping me in the gardening section…

Ryan: Yeah….

Me: And I caught myself just in a nick of time…

Ryan: Before you fell over something?

Me: Before I asked him where I could find a “hand cranked seed spreader”.

Ryan: HA HA HA HA HA!!!  You are the living inspiration for every bad piece of porn dialogue ever written.

That’s No Garden, Ho.

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German_garden_gnome

It’s wrong to be turned on by this, isn’t it.

While looking at houses online…

Casey: “How about this one?”

Me: “Oh, no way.”

Casey: “It’s red brick…you love red brick…you never shut up about red brick.”

Me: “Yeah, but it has a HUGE vegetable garden situation, in the backyard, and I can’t even keep a cactus alive.”

Casey: “You’re smart…you could figure it out, and if you could grow your own kale, you’d save like a hundred bucks a month.  Seriously…what’s with you and the kale?  Are you just pooping sod at this point?”

Me: *glaring*

Casey: “What?”

Me: “I don’t poop…girls don’t ever poop.”

Casey: *pausing* “Even if I win that debate, I feel like I’m still going to lose.”

Me: “Pretty much.”

(Two minutes later…)

Casey: *whispering* “Why don’t you poop?”

Me: *whispering* “Because if I did, it would kill the mystery.”

Casey: *still whispering*  “What mystery?  The one where I wonder where all the kale goes?”