Me: You know that feeling when you realize that you narrowly missed a close call with disaster and/or death?
Ryan: Um, yeah…are you okay!?
Me: I just had one of those at Home Depot.
Ryan: Power tool demo? Something almost land on you?
Me: A young guy was helping me in the gardening section…
Me: And I caught myself just in a nick of time…
Ryan: Before you fell over something?
Me: Before I asked him where I could find a “hand cranked seed spreader”.
Ryan: HA HA HA HA HA!!! You are the living inspiration for every bad piece of porn dialogue ever written.
It’s wrong to be turned on by this, isn’t it.
While looking at houses online…
Casey: “How about this one?”
Me: “Oh, no way.”
Casey: “It’s red brick…you love red brick…you never shut up about red brick.”
Me: “Yeah, but it has a HUGE vegetable garden situation, in the backyard, and I can’t even keep a cactus alive.”
Casey: “You’re smart…you could figure it out, and if you could grow your own kale, you’d save like a hundred bucks a month. Seriously…what’s with you and the kale? Are you just pooping sod at this point?”
Me: “I don’t poop…girls don’t ever poop.”
Casey: *pausing* “Even if I win that debate, I feel like I’m still going to lose.”
Me: “Pretty much.”
(Two minutes later…)
Casey: *whispering* “Why don’t you poop?”
Me: *whispering* “Because if I did, it would kill the mystery.”
Casey: *still whispering* “What mystery? The one where I wonder where all the kale goes?”