Colonoscopies: 100% Less Awful Than Baby Showers

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Tracy: “Are you going to Kim’s baby shower tomorrow?”

Me: “Ugh…you know how much I hate those things.  I’ll just send her a gift.”

Tracy: “What possible excuse are you going to have to skip this?”

Me: “I just had a colonoscopy.  I’m pulling the colonoscopy card.”

Tracy: “I don’t think that’s a card.”

Me: “I had a camera shoved up my ass…how does that NOT earn me a card?”

Tracy: “Fine, but you have to tell her, because I’m not walking into a baby shower with tales about your asshole.”

Me: “A real friend would.”

Tracy: “A real friend doesn’t text pictures of their large intestine to a group chat.”

Me: “Touche.”

She Clearly Hasn’t Forgiven My Patchouli Phase

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Me: “So, I finally managed to get a shred of wisdom today.”

Tracy: “Please tell me it’s that you finally stop believing aromatherapy is actually a thing?”

Me: “Noooo…aromatherapy is still totally a thing.”

Tracy: “Then I don’t care what you think you learned, you’re still stupid.”

And Now, For Something Completely Different

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My dearest darling, Matthew, will be doing today’s post.  I really wish he’d restart his blog (HINT, MOTHERFUCKER!), but, for now, his sass will be relegated to Amazon Reviews and anyone unfortunate enough to cross him in a bar after two dirty martinis.

In order to see the whole review, you have to click the “See More” at the bottom, but it’s totally worth it.  Promise.  🙂

Matthew’s Amazon Shirt Fury

I Can Think Of Worse Ways To Drop 10lbs. Actual Dieting, For Example.

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Tracy: “Okay, what’s up with those stupid herbs you bought me?”

Me: “Oh, my, God…are you okay?  What happened?”

Tracy: “You know how supposedly we all have ten pounds of undigested meat, sitting in our colons?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Tracy: “Well, I don’t, anymore.”

Me: “Well, that’s gotta make you feel better, right?”

Tracy: “I think I just shit a basilisk.”

Me: “This phone call is officially the ‘Chamber of No Secrets’.”

Megan McMcerson…Internet Cautionary Tale

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Yup…this is how that date would go.

About a year ago, someone with a traditionally female name, who went to my high school, added me on Facebook.  We had 30 friends in common…I stupidly accepted.  They only had pictures of dogs, and never interacted with me in ANY way, so, frankly, I forgot they were in my friend list.  Then, out of nowhere, this person, who, as it turns out is a guy, starts posting come-ons on my Facebook wall, in front of God and everyone (read: my mother).  Obviously, this resulted in deletions and un-friending, but…that still didn’t get through to him, apparently.

Tracy: “Did you block that idiot?”

Me: “Yes, but first he tried to re-add me twice, and when I deleted them, the private messages start.  The first one repeats exactly what he wrote on my wall, and the second one says, ‘It’s okay if you have a boyfriend. we can still hang out’.”

Tracy: “What the fuck!?”

Me: “Right?  I’m going to take that bait?”

Tracy: (laughing) “I think you should..it’s good to make new friends.”

Me: “Oh, God…I can’t wait to have that conversation with Ryan.  ‘Hey, so, yeah, there’s this guy I went to high school, who I don’t remember, who has no social skills to speak of, who keeps asking me out, but he said it was cool if we just hung out, so…I’m gonna do that, ‘kay?’ Jesus, he’d dump me just so he wouldn’t be the boyfriend of a dead girl.”

Tracy: “Maybe he WANTS to be portrayed in a Lifetime Original Movie.”

Me: “No man wants to wind up on Lifetime.”

Tracy: “CSI?”

Me: “Stop selling this, please, either way, I wind up a skin suit.”

Tracy: “Hmmm…yeah…that.”

Someone Please Bring Me A Pizza Covered In Xanax

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Today, my darling 15-year-old daughter, has her first ACTUAL date with an ACTUAL boy.  (She’s been dating robots for years…don’t judge.)  And, I know…it’s on Valentine’s Day…cue the Seraphim.

This is just the beginning…the beginning of a long line of lessons that she, and her friends will have to learn.  While I’m not ready to impart ALL of these things to her now, I promise that, at some point, when they’re appropriate, I will. Even though she won’t listen to me AT ALL…just ask my mother.

Still…at some point…

1a. If someone tells you they are “too special” for most people, then the special person they need is a psychiatrist. Instead of giving them YOUR number, give them their number.

1b. If anyone tells you “You’re the only one who understands me,” it might be because they’re insane, and you’re the only one who hasn’t caught on, yet.  Do you really want to date the emotional equivalent of Nell?

2. If he takes longer to get ready than you do, run.  First, NO ONE takes longer to get ready than you do (seriously, Caolinn…what the fuck is taking you so long), but while a certain amount of vanity in women is understandable, vain men aren’t to be trusted.  Yes, I said something sexist…it won’t be the last time.

3. You do not have to “earn” someone’s love.  Girl…he isn’t a slot machine, and you ain’t getting your quarters back.  The only prize you get at the end is an asshole who knows you’ll take abuse in exchange for minimal reinforcement.  Anyone you have to chase…you will never truly catch.

4. Don’t be someone’s transitional relationship.  When you’re with someone who still has someone else in their heart, you are in the world’s LEAST sexy threesome, where the lubricant is tears. If he talks about another woman so much that you know her middle name, but he doesn’t know yours, then you’re just the therapist who he gets to put his penis on, and when he’s finally over her, and he’s done with therapy…well, you get the picture.

5. If your friends hate your boyfriend, either they have personal issues, or they have a point.  Don’t ditch one for the other, and don’t take out the trash until you know who stinks.

6. Look at THEIR friends.  If the guy you’re thinking about dedicating your time to hangs out with druggies, cheaters, douchebags, idiots, criminals, or losers…then chances are he’s one of them…or a United States Senator.  Same difference.  If you lay down with dogs, you get fleas…or in this case, chlamydia.

7. Sex isn’t everything…unless you’re not getting any, then it becomes everything.  It’s only a matter of time before you start buying batteries in bulk and trying to figure out how big your co-workers’ dicks are through their slacks.  Say “hi” to Human Resources, for me, will you?  And, no, you can’t move home when you get fired, so get it together.

8. Beware the social chameleon.  If a person flips a switch and changes completely when he’s in public vs. when he’s alone with you…RUN.  A stable person doesn’t need more than one personality, and hopefully that one personality doesn’t fall under the heading of “dick”.

9a. There is a fine line between being realistic and settling.  Yes, no person is perfect, but do NOT settle.  Don’t date down…EVER.  You will regret it.  Every time.

9b. Be totally okay with being “alone” (Which you never truly will be, because you should surround yourself with people who love and support you.)  Being with someone, for the sake of being with someone, will make you more alone than you can ever possibly imagine.  Picture what you realistically want in a relationship, and wait for it. It’s better to be single, with even the faintest hope of something great, than chained to a lifetime of mediocrity because you feared loneliness.

10. Be your own best friend.  If, standing outside your situation, you can see that if your BEST FRIEND was in that same situation (relationship, etc.), that you would slap the living shit outta her…then slap away, bitch…save yourself.

11. Lastly, and this is so goddamn important… You will change and grow and evolve…but let that be on YOUR terms, and be with people who love you for who you are TODAY.  If you want to change him, or he wants to change you, then you don’t love each other…you love an idea.  Ideas aren’t always good, and ideas don’t always work.  Just ask DeLorean, Hitler, and Trump’s hair stylist.  People aren’t projects, and your relationship shouldn’t need a Pinterest board and a hot glue gun.

And there I leave you…for now.  As I’m writing, I’m thinking of so many MORE things, but they will have to wait for another day and another post.  In the meantime…have fun tonight, my sweet, sweet girl.  Have fun…let him hold your hand, but tell him to keep his tongue in his mouth.  It’s a first date…not a frat party.

Winged Bitches

Aside

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R: “I have no idea who you’re talking about half the time.  You have too many friends.”

Me: “I can’t help it if people think I’m awesome.  Pfffffft…fools.”

R: “Do you plan on being this likable, Friday night?”

Me: “No, I plan on being a super bitch.”

R: “How is that different from a regular bitch.”

Me: “I’ll be wearing a cape.”

R: “Okay, that’s awesome.”

Me: “Which brings us full-circle…people think I’m awesome.”

R: *shaking head*