Ask Your Doctor If Your Heart Is Healthy Enough For Sexual Activity

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Matthew: Did I tell you that BJ had a heart attack?

Me: No!  Is he okay?

Matthew: Dude almost dies two weeks ago, and then he posts that he had THIS for lunch.

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Me: Yeah, that is NOT on the heart patient menu.

Matthew: This is the equivalent of saying, “I just got rid of my syphilis, time to rawdog some hoes!”

Me: I’m pretty sure, after a heart attack, they advise against rawdogging hoes, as well.

 

Just Be Happy I Don’t Use Mine To Make Bombs, Kids.

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Me: (singsonging in the kitchen) “It’s the weeeeeekend!  You know what that means!”

(Boys whispering in their room.)

Liam: “Shit, that means the crockpot is coming out.”

Xavier: “And that she’s not wearing pants.”

Me: “I HEARD THAT!”

Liam: (whispering) “Dog ears.”

Guys…It Was JUST Rosh Hashanah…Get It Together.

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Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.”

Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide eating her is a good idea?”

Xavier: “Dream killer.”

Star Wars 7…The Search For More Money

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Me: Look!  Campbell’s Soup is even getting involved in Star Wars!

Ryan: Jeez. Is anyone NOT jumping in on this marketing?  What are they going to merchandise next?

Me: Chewbacca Condoms?  Don’t mind if I do!

Ryan: Way better than Han Solo Condoms.  The name alone doesn’t suggest a partner.

Me: Do you think he and Chewie ever…you know.  They were were space sailors after all. Any port in a meteor storm.

Ryan:If you don’t stop, I’ll start speculating about how big Hagrid’s penis was, again.

Me: ……….

My Ass Muscle Is The One That Holds My Dignity In.

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Ryan: “I feel that I should introduce you to the joys of the Cream Pie Shake.”

Me: “I feel that I should introduce you to the fact that I’m lactose intolerant.”

Ryan: “You eat cheese all the time!”

Me: “Fermented dairy, for some reason, doesn’t bother me, but straight ice cream or milk, I blow up like a balloon.”

(silence)

Me: “Grossed out?”

Ryan: “Not at all…just trying to decide if I should get you to drink one anyway, so we can get your first fart out of the way.  It’s going to happen one of these days, Megan.  It might as well be a controlled scenario.”

Me: “Ryan, this isn’t just some stupid forest fire we’re discussing, this is FARTING.  This is SERIOUS.”

Ryan: “Somewhere, a family of deer disagrees with your priorities.”