As I Wear Flippity Flops…

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For the record, the child is walking the campus in 6″ heels all day…and if you’re not familiar with my blog, the child is a 6’3″, self-identified, drag queen, who comes to high school, dressed for the Milan runway.

D’Avonte: “My feet are killing me.”

Me: (Looking at her feet) “No shit.”

D’Avonte: “Jealous?”

Me: “Every single day of my life, my love, every single day of my life.”

And For My Next Trick, I’ll Need A Blow Torch And A Banana Peel!

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If  you’re not already following Jenny Lawson’s (TheBloggess) Twitter feed of people’s awkward confessions, you’re severely missing out.  I think I’ve done every single thing people have written about, at some point.  I’m THAT awkward.  Case in point…

A text conversation…

Me: Soooooo, I saw a kid walking in my building wearing a nice dress shirt and a tie, so I said, ‘Well, don’t you look handsome today!’.

Tracy: And?

Me: Turns out it’s not a kid…it’s a new 23yo substitute.

Tracy: Oh no…

Me: The look on his face…  I went from friendly mom-figure to cougar in about 2 seconds flat.

Tracy: Awesome. Enjoy sexual harassment class.  Again.

And Now, For Something Completely Different

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My dearest darling, Matthew, will be doing today’s post.  I really wish he’d restart his blog (HINT, MOTHERFUCKER!), but, for now, his sass will be relegated to Amazon Reviews and anyone unfortunate enough to cross him in a bar after two dirty martinis.

In order to see the whole review, you have to click the “See More” at the bottom, but it’s totally worth it.  Promise.  🙂

Matthew’s Amazon Shirt Fury

I’m Going To Assign Dress Code Violations In My Sleep

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Me: “Princess, your shirt is riding up again, pull that down or I’m going to make you wear the spare one in my closet.”

D’Avonte: “You can’t make me take this off.  This is COUTURE!”

Me: “Really?  Where did you buy it?”

D’Avonte: “Where do you THINK I bought it?”

Me: “At the ‘Too Short Shirt Store’?”

D’Avonte: “I will have you know I bought this at K-Mart.”

Me: “So that was ‘Kouture’ with a ‘K’?”

D’Avonte: *eye roll*

It’s A Wonder I Retain Any Self-Respect

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At the end of every school year, every student goes through burnout, but no one flames out half as badly as the teachers. By the last week, makeup was no longer a priority for me.

(As she entered the room…)

D’Avonte: (looking me over) “Ohhhh, UHHHH-UHHHH, you best go over to your closet, honey…take OUT your purse, and put something on your face, because if you think I’m listening to any of your crap about math right now, with you looking like that, you are sadly mistaken.”

Me: “Hey, you’re being mean.”

D’Avonte: “Honey, I am saving you from yourself.  Where IS your lipstick?  Where IS your dignity?”

Everyone Loves A Fancy Pussy

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D’Avonte brought her new crop top to show me, which she couldn’t even wear to school, and I sent a picture of it to Ryan, next to a dollar bill for size reference.

Me: This is D’s new shirt.  I’m pretty sure it’s a size 2T. (Toddler size 2, for you non-parents).

Ryan: That wouldn’t fit my 7yo daughter.

Me: I know; I have bigger bras than this.

Ryan: I think Shadow has bigger shirts than that.  Not that I dress my cat, mind you. She likes to set her own fashion.

Me: Well, now I know what you do when you’re alone.

Ryan: Yes, it’s all Sports Center and picking out sassy outfits for my cats. Turned on?

Me: Yes, my loins are all aflame.

Ryan: Then let me tell you about their shoe collection…

George Lucas…Trying To Undo All The Boners He Created With Leia’s Gold Bikini

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(Yet another late night text conversation with Ryan that goes awry.)

Ryan: Morgan just informed me that she’s never having children, because Star Wars 3 freaked her out.

Me: She should be more freaked out about how awful that movie was, but maybe, as a father, that’s an enviable position for you to be in.  “That’s right, Morgan…SEX KILLS.”

Ryan: It’ll be like when C. Everett Koop said it, and ruined the sex lives of all American teenagers throughout the 80’s.  Never trust a man with a beard, but no mustache.  It’s unnatural.

Me: Yes, the 80’s…where we all kept it in our pants for fear of death and I owned two pairs of jelly shoes.

Ryan: Nice. Parachute cargo pants. I owned three pairs in different colors.

Me: OMG.  I’m dating you.

Ryan: Oh, but I looked goooooooooooood.

Me: I think we just found the real reason you couldn’t lose your virginity in the 80’s.