If You Thought Goodnight Moon Was Twisted…

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Unfortunately, there are very few readily available books on Erwin Rommel, my son’s assigned topic for 8th grade History. The “book” I ordered on Amazon came today, and it was a whopping 30 pages in large font, claiming to give his full history from birth to death.  Bullshit.  It’s being returned.

Me: “Will you look at this!?  How are they selling this as a ‘book’!?”

Xavier: “What is it?”

Me: “It’s what I bought for Liam to do his report!”

Xavier: “That’s way too small to be a book.”

Me: “It’s a pamphlet!”

Xavier: “It’s like a children’s book…but with Nazis.”

I Wish Falcon Crest Was Still A Thing

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My sons’ Spanish teacher has apparently given up, and the curriculum now solely consists of them watching Spanish soap operas.

Xavier: “None of us understand enough Spanish, so it’s just a bunch of gibberish, and then a dog runs away, and someone has an affair.”

Liam: “Don’t forget about the ghosts.”

Xavier: “Oh, yeah…and there are ghosts.”

Paddy’s Not Patty’s, Assholes! :)

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Student: “Are you wearing green because it’s St. Patrick’s Day?”

Me: “Yup.”

Student: “What does the green stand for?”

Me: “Avarice, envy, and gangrene.”

Student: “Huh?”

Me: “The beautiful, rolling green hills of Ireland.”

Student: “Oh.”

Kids…Can’t Kill ‘Em…Unless…

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Today, I had to take D’Avonte downtown to get a copy of his birth certificate, so he could apply for a post-graduation training program.  We were climbing in the school van, and my purse fell over.

Me: “Oh, great, now I have tampons everywhere.”

D’Avonte: “Miss M…you’re still young enough to have babies?”

Me: “Get out of this Goddamn van, right now.”

Everything Hurts, And I’m Dying.

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Ryan: How was your day, today?

Me: Well…I got to ride in the back of a police car, which is about as disgusting as you would think it is.

Ryan: Your life of crime finally caught up with you?

Me: Me, the campus cop, and the Dean of Discipline were chasing a kid who ran away from campus.

Ryan: Did you catch him?

Me: Ten staff members, five private vehicles, three police cars, four miles, and 90 minutes later…yes.

Ryan: Are you ever tempted to just let them run?

Me: After today, if I had it my way, we would stand on the curb, waving, as he takes off.

Ryan: Let him run!  BE FREE!

Me: “Find your bliss, Motherfucker!”

You Get An ‘A’ For Accuracy.

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Me: “Hey, I need your three sentence summary of the student news.”

D’Avonte: “Ms. M, you KNOW I hate the damn news.”

Me: (teacher face)

D’Avonte: “Fiiiiiiiine.”

Turns in summary…

“They’re talking about Trump and all his bullshit. It’s the same stuff with his bitchass every day.  Why do you make me do this?”

Some Parents Don’t Deserve Their Kids

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As some of you know, in all my infinite spare time, I do some volunteer work for LGBT youth.  I hadn’t been able to see this one kid in awhile, who was really struggling, because his parents are traditional, old-school Mormons, and he was deeply closeted, and he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t hurt him or throw him out.

Me: “Heyyyyy!!! I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you!?”

Brayden: (cringing) “Good and bad…I came out to my mom.”

Me: “WHAT!? Oh, wow, are you okay?”

Brayden: “Well, I’m apparently a ‘disappointment’ and a ‘failure’.”

Me: “Arrrrrrrgh, I’m so sorry. But no violence, right? And you’re still living at home?”

Brayden: “Yeah, but I’m grounded.”

Me: “You’re grounded…for being gay.”

Brayden: “Pretty much.”

Me: “What are you grounded from?”

Brayden: “Dick? I’m pretty sure, I’m grounded from dick.”