And, Yes, I Am Going To Teach…I’m Just Whining.

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Me: I’m too tired to teach tomorrow, I think I’ll just show them a movie.

Ryan: How about Frozen?

Me: How about Mommy Dearest?

Ryan: Good call, it would make all the parents look good.

Me: Today’s lesson: Perspective.

Ryan: They’ll also learn important life lessons like “Clean your plate.”

Me: And, “No, you DON’T need all those birthday presents.”

Ryan: And, “You can’t beat Mommy at swimming, but she can beat you…with everything in the house.”

Me: So much better than Disney.

My Boyfriend Is Sexually Attracted To Cinnabon Hair

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This all started because I texted this picture to Ryan, this morning.

Ryan: Ouch, she’s perfectly thin, but if he really wants to complain, she’s actually kind of old to be a Disney princess.

Me: Seriously.  What was she?  23?  Go retire, already, grandma.

Ryan: She was actually 19 when that scene was filmed.  Star Wars nerd, here.

Me: I feel like I should be giving you a wedgie, for knowing that.

Ryan: I once got into a fight with someone over who knew more Star Wars trivia.  We had a contest.

Me: Annnnnd?

Ryan: You have to ask?  Do I look like some scruffy nerf herder?

Me: Ummm…that answer really just leads to bigger questions.

The Happiest Place On Earth Is Now Anywhere With Ibuprofen And Beer

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There is NO INTERPRETIVE DANCE allowed on Thunder Mountain Railroad.

There is NO INTERPRETIVE DANCE allowed on Thunder Mountain Railroad.

In case some of you thought I was dead somewhere (hoping, I daresay), I was merely on Spring Break with my family.  After fooling my kids into thinking they were going to Prescott, AZ with my mother, with the car packed, we revealed the truth…that we were taking them to Disneyland. As exciting as Prescott is, I’m sure you can imagine, they were thrilled at the change in plans.

Because I’m exhausted, have to work today (already!?), and everything hurts…I’ll just share a quick summary of Le Disney.

1. Nothing looks as smug as the faces of people passing you in the Fast Pass line.  Oh, yeah…well, I’ve got a pocket-full of California Screamin’ tickets set to ripen in a 10 minutes…then we’ll see who’s smug.

2. The Indiana Jones ride…has a posted height requirement…but should actually have a support bra requirement.  Seriously, it’s like Girls on Trampolines in there.  The happiest place on Earth?  The security office for that ride, watching the footage.

3. There’s a subtle line between making your children the center of your life, and teaching them that they’re the center of the known universe. Annnnd I saw that line crossed, on the daily.

4. I don’t care how many Mickey-shaped beignets you just ate…  Thou shall not joke about cocaine use at Disneyland.  Apparently, that joke doesn’t go over well in the Magic Kingdom.

5. I’m probably in the vacation photos of a million strangers, but only 4 of my own.  Yes, family from Indiana, that is me, and yes, that was my third churro…don’t fucking judge.

6. My daughter can spot a “famous Vine-r” from 50 paces away, but doesn’t know who Angie Harmon is, when she’s standing 10 feet away.  (She’s lovely by the way, and her daughters are insanely beautiful…shocker.)

7. On every ride this happened…

Cast member: “Have a great ride!”

Caolinn: “You, too!”

*facepalm*

8. You know those cameras, where they snap a picture of you, mid-ride?  After looking like a mental patient in 30 of them, this is what happens.

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Now, back to work.  Grumble, grumble.

Pretty Sure That Birthmark On Your Ass Is The Sign Of The Beast

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Xavier: “I can’t wait to see Big Hero 6, because six is my favorite number.”

Liam: “That’s because you’re the devil.”

Xavier: “Then you’re the devil’s twin…how’s that working out for you.”

Even Disney Invested In Rohypnol.

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Any reason that doesn't include poisoning his breakfast is unacceptable.

Any reason that doesn’t include poisoning his breakfast is unacceptable.

(whispering during vintage Disney cartoon prior to Frozen)

Me: “Is it just me, or are old-timey cartoons sort of date-rapey?”

Casey: “Maybe he’s carrying her off to a Starbucks to ask about her hopes and dreams.”

Me: (incredulous look)

Casey: *sigh* “I tried.”