We’re Changing His Name To Asshole…Even Though We Love Him

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So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat.  This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.

Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?

Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.

Me: No, thank God.  This…

 

Yes…I named the cat, “McGonagall”. Sue me.

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Me: I found McGonagall cuddling with the dog!

Ryan: Picture?

Me: She took off before I could get it.

Ryan: Of course she did.  If those got out her rep would be ruined.

Me: I’m going to get one eventually. I’m going to be more relentless than that paparazzi who got the pic of Bieber’s wiener.

Ryan: I just read that and accidentally said ‘Bieber’s wiener’ out loud.

Me: Uh-oh.

Ryan: I’m just going to go ahead and quit my job, now.

 

And then, today, I got the picture…  🙂

"This isn't what it looks like."

“This isn’t what it looks like.”

Friends Shank Skanks

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Me: I FOUND THEM IN BED TOGETHER!!!

Tracy: Again, I find myself asking you…are you talking about your animals, or are you talking about Ryan?

Me: My animals.

Tracy: Again, this just got way less interesting.

Me: Would you prefer I caught Ryan in bed with someone?

Tracy.  No.  But then, at least I’d have someone to stab.

Me: I’m calling your mom.

Tracy: Now I’m going to stab you.

This Is Why I Need A Full-Time Handler

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Casual acquaintance: “Oh, we just got a new cat, too!”

Me: “What did you name it?”

Casual acquaintance: “Banana, because she’s kind of yellow.”

Me: “Oh, you let your kids name it. You’re so much nicer than I am. I want to let them name our pets, but kids always come up with such ridiculous names.”

(pause)

Casual acquaintance: “I named the cat.”

Me: “Ohhhhhh…..I’m…..yeah….”

Cats And Dogs…Living Together…MASS HYSTERIA!!!

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As you may know, we’ve unexpectedly become cat owners, which has been pretty fine for us, but integrating Sully, the dog, has been a little more harrowing, and I’ve been getting a lot of advice on the matter from friends, who are probably REALLY tired of dealing with my stupidity on the subject.

(Texting)

Me: Best day ever!

Tracy: Why?

Me: He licked the kitty!!!  HE LICKED THE KITTY!!!

Tracy: Before I respond, can we clarify something. Are you talking about your animals…or is this about you and Ryan?

Me: The animals.

Tracy: Sigh. This conversation just got 100% more boring.

Guys…It Was JUST Rosh Hashanah…Get It Together.

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Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.”

Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide eating her is a good idea?”

Xavier: “Dream killer.”

All Pussy…All The Time

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Guys…last night we found a young cat who appears stray, just as a dust storm was coming…soooo, now, I seem to own a cat. While I’ve certainly been around cats, I’ve never even considered owning one, so this creature in my house, is no less baffling and exotic to me, as if I had taken in a fully grown Rhino.

I apologize for what will surely be WEEKS of cat posts.

Me: Guess who didn’t sleep a wink last night!  (Note: there may be more than one correct answer.)

Ryan: I’m guessing the cat, your daughter, and YOU!

Me: DING! DING! DING!

Ryan: Yay! I win! What’s my prize?

Me: A cat!!!

Ryan: I’d like an opportunity to change my answer.