We’re Changing His Name To Asshole…Even Though We Love Him

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So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat.  This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.

Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?

Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.

Me: No, thank God.  This…

 

Terrible Person: Party of One.

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My former father-in-law’s wife truly means well, but recently emailed both Caolinn and I this long account of how they ran into a fawn, tried to get it help, and then it died anyway.  Merry fucking Christmas.  Anyway…Caolinn wasn’t impressed.

Caolinn: “Why would she email me, a vegetarian animal lover, a story about how they murdered a baby deer with a Toyota!?”

Me: “Sweetie, I don’t think she meant any harm, but I acknowledge it’s weird.”

Caolinn: “Well, guess who’s not getting a Christmas present from me this year!?”

Me: “Well, the deer, obviously.”

Caolinn: “MOTHER!!!”

I’d Like To Bet Five Dollars On ‘Carbon Emissions’ In The Third.

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welcome-to-the-petting-zoo

As we were walking up to Turf Paradise, the local horse racing track…

Liam: “Every time we come here, there’s a plastic bag flying around the parking lot.”

My mother: “Maybe that’s a sign we should bet on a horse with ‘plastic’ or ‘bag’ in its name.”

Liam: “Or maybe it’s just a sign that people should start recycling, but okay.”

Friends Shank Skanks

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Me: I FOUND THEM IN BED TOGETHER!!!

Tracy: Again, I find myself asking you…are you talking about your animals, or are you talking about Ryan?

Me: My animals.

Tracy: Again, this just got way less interesting.

Me: Would you prefer I caught Ryan in bed with someone?

Tracy.  No.  But then, at least I’d have someone to stab.

Me: I’m calling your mom.

Tracy: Now I’m going to stab you.

Cats And Dogs…Living Together…MASS HYSTERIA!!!

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As you may know, we’ve unexpectedly become cat owners, which has been pretty fine for us, but integrating Sully, the dog, has been a little more harrowing, and I’ve been getting a lot of advice on the matter from friends, who are probably REALLY tired of dealing with my stupidity on the subject.

(Texting)

Me: Best day ever!

Tracy: Why?

Me: He licked the kitty!!!  HE LICKED THE KITTY!!!

Tracy: Before I respond, can we clarify something. Are you talking about your animals…or is this about you and Ryan?

Me: The animals.

Tracy: Sigh. This conversation just got 100% more boring.

All Pussy…All The Time

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Guys…last night we found a young cat who appears stray, just as a dust storm was coming…soooo, now, I seem to own a cat. While I’ve certainly been around cats, I’ve never even considered owning one, so this creature in my house, is no less baffling and exotic to me, as if I had taken in a fully grown Rhino.

I apologize for what will surely be WEEKS of cat posts.

Me: Guess who didn’t sleep a wink last night!  (Note: there may be more than one correct answer.)

Ryan: I’m guessing the cat, your daughter, and YOU!

Me: DING! DING! DING!

Ryan: Yay! I win! What’s my prize?

Me: A cat!!!

Ryan: I’d like an opportunity to change my answer.