My Ass Muscle Is The One That Holds My Dignity In.

Standard

Ryan: “I feel that I should introduce you to the joys of the Cream Pie Shake.”

Me: “I feel that I should introduce you to the fact that I’m lactose intolerant.”

Ryan: “You eat cheese all the time!”

Me: “Fermented dairy, for some reason, doesn’t bother me, but straight ice cream or milk, I blow up like a balloon.”

(silence)

Me: “Grossed out?”

Ryan: “Not at all…just trying to decide if I should get you to drink one anyway, so we can get your first fart out of the way.  It’s going to happen one of these days, Megan.  It might as well be a controlled scenario.”

Me: “Ryan, this isn’t just some stupid forest fire we’re discussing, this is FARTING.  This is SERIOUS.”

Ryan: “Somewhere, a family of deer disagrees with your priorities.”

Further Proof That I’d Make The Worst Mistress Ever

Standard

Ryan: “Can we discuss the fact that you haven’t been to my place in two weeks, and I’m still finding your hair in weird places?”

Me: “Can we discuss what this indicates about your cleaning methods?”

Ryan: “I never see my own hair.”

Me: “Apples and oranges, dude.  Your hair is like, what, a inch long and beige?  Mine are three feet long and red…hardly a fair comparison.”

Ryan: “But can we agree that finding them in the following places is weird: in my dress shoe, on the office keyboard, and wrapped around my neck while I’m sleeping?  You can’t even pet my cat, and I found one of your hairs tangled in his ass.”

Me: “I think the larger issue is that you’re inspecting the cat’s ass.”

Sibling Rivalry Reverts To Chemical Warfare

Standard

Liam: “Can I get a cat when I grow up?”

Me: “Sure, but then I’m never visiting you, because I’m allergic.”

Liam: “Is Xavier allergic to anything?”

Me: “Why?”

Liam: “So I can fill my house with it.”