I Know, Guys…I Suck, But Tomorrow, I Might Suck AND Be Rich

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Yeah, yeah, yeah…I’ve been slacking with the writing, but I’m going to defend myself and say that I’ve been tied up with Christmas, getting back to work, and my ex-husband holding my children for ransom.  True story.

Anyhoo, one of you, and you know who you are, emailed me, asking if I’d secretly won the lottery and had taken off for parts unknown.  Another of you emailed asking if I was “Seriously dead or just sitting in an asylum and haven’t earned internet privileges, yet”.  I think we can all agree that the second option is far more likely.

Regardless…if any of the following things happen, you’ll know who won the Powerball.

  1. A huge animal rescue opens, called “Megan’s Big Bitches (and boy dogs, too)”.
  2. Sully gets to have his balls back.  Don’t ask how…it’s just going to happen.
  3. Underwires?  Now unbreakable.  You’re welcome.
  4. Tina Fey is on a lifetime retainer to do this, every time one of my children fails to follow a direction already given fifteen times.
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  5. My new legal name: “Thelonious McWhiskeydick”.
  6. An army of drones will follow Donald Trump to all public events, dropping piles of dildos on him.
  7. Unicorns become an actual fucking thing.
  8. Ryan is now at the helm of a privately owned newspaper, whose only purpose is to campaign for increased teacher salaries and talk about how sexually inadequate all my exes were.
  9. This blog starts delivering chocolate bars, Willy Wonka style.
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    Let’s be honest…this movie was an episode of Criminal Minds with chocolate.

    10. Oprah Winfrey names me one of her new favorite things.

39 thoughts on “I Know, Guys…I Suck, But Tomorrow, I Might Suck AND Be Rich

  1. Hey! I’ve missed you. Normally my annual summer holiday adventures are punctuated with giggles when reading your escapades, so I’m glad to have you here with me now.

      • Awesome….once again we ran away from Australia’s heat and spent a couple of days in Paris, NYE in Helsinki, traced the Grimm Brothers fairy tale route through Germany and now having RED time in the UK with friends (RED = relax / eat / drink 😉). Have I blogged about this? Nope…..slackness is contagious 😉

  2. #8 made me laugh out loud and spew my coffee. I am glad you are back, I missed you (and if ever tell anyone that I will punch you in the tit). Please post about your ex holding your kids ransom.

  3. Brian

    Thank god the “eye pad” is gone. We could start a Go Fund Me campaign for Trumps dildos. I bet we’d be pleasantly surprised about how well it would do.

  4. OH MY GOD. After losing my precious Stuart last month to a nasty canine cancer and losing my main source of income on Monday morning – done over the phone by the way, which, I guess, I better than by email – THIS MADE ME SPIT OUT MY COFFEE. Something you’re exceptionally good at making me do. Thanks for the levity. Boy, I needed that.

    • First, sending you the BIGGEST hugs. I’m so, so sorry. Secondly, thank you. Thirdly, make #11 that I would have used the money to cure cancer. Because it needs to be GONE. 🙂

    • Hey. Losing a dog and a job is a seriously shit way to start a year. Bulk sympathies, dude. But it’s all upside from here.

      I really like dogs with people names. It says a lot about their owners.

      My favourite is a black Shar Pei called Mavis. She has eyes that don’t quite point in the same direction and she radiates confusion, joy and hilarity all at the same time.

      • That, my friend, sounds like a kickass dog. And you’re right. Pets are people, but better. They’re us without the selfishness and bullshit, and they should be honored for the superior creatures that they are.

        Note: I will one day get an English Bulldog with a horrendous underbite, and I want to name her “Maybelline”. #lifegoals

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