Men…Don’t Read This One. Trust Me. You’re Welcome.

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Jesus, OB/.GYN...no pressure.

My OB/GYN is super efficient.

Okay, so, after 18 months, I’m having my Mirena removed.  I had it put in, essentially because I was sold on the idea that there was an 80% chance that I would stop getting my period. And, yes, I did stop getting actual periods, but what I had instead were 10-14 days of light spotting every five weeks.  Not ideal.  Worse, I gained a TON of weight, which…unless you’re being rescued from a deserted island, isn’t something most women strive for.

Tracy: Where are you?

Me: I’m at the Gynecologist, getting my IUD yanked out.

Tracy: Nice image. Text me when you’re done.

(ten minutes later)

Me: Done.  Easy peasy.

Tracy: Why did you have it removed, again?

Me:

Mirena

Because this tiny thing, apparently, weighs 26 pounds.  I feel lighter already.

Tracy: Ewww…you took a picture of it?

Me: That’s not the one that came out of me, weirdo, that’s the sample in the waiting room.

Tracy: How many people were in the waiting room?

Me: I don’t know, 25?

Tracy: So, 25 people just watched you take a picture of something that amounts to a Vagina Lego, and you’re calling ME a weirdo?

Me: Touché

37 thoughts on “Men…Don’t Read This One. Trust Me. You’re Welcome.

  1. You are lucky that you didn’t have issues with it. I know of two young women who are basically sterilized from this thing growing into their uterine lining. One is severely scared and the other had to have a hysterectomy.

  2. Scary looking things like that are why I’m gay! Ok. Maybe that’s an exaggeration but i do take a certain sense of pride when a health care provider asks what my preferred form of birth control is and I can say, “being a lesbian has worked so far!”

  3. Wow.. Words fail me. Not because it’s Female Trouble (yes I’m using a double entendre of the John Waters’ film); but the thought of you sitting in a waiting room taking pictures of the sample merchandise while 25 other patients — mainly women — are sitting there watching you take pictures from your phone like you’re CSI gone horribly wrong.

  4. I had uterus lego too!!! It caused “breakthrough bleeding” which I only realized after I noted I’d apparently had my period for three weeks straight. I wrote a whole post on my birth control woes which eventually let to me having my fallopian tubes removed.

  5. barbaramullenix

    *Shudder*. Way back when, I had a Lippes Loop (double “s” shaped). Hurt like the blazes when inserted & had it removed about 10 days later from the severe pain. (I framed it with the phrase “Never again”, but somehow in the many moves we had, it vanished). It caused scarring on my tubes (surgery), no babies, and then an ectopic (more surgery). I know these things are supposed to be an improvement and fool proof, but you couldn’t prove it by me!

    • God, I’m so sorry. Yeah, these are much less scary, but the hormone in them is the same as the one in the mini-pill, and if I’d been smart enough to remember, I’d had trouble on that one, too. The actual device caused me no issues, but the chemicals…no bueno. I should have framed it…BRILLIANT!

      • barbaramullenix

        As a not so funny aside – Lippes Loop had 2 long “strings” at the bottom (presumably to decapitate any sperm that had the nerve to swim up). My husband (then boyfriend) swore he could feel them poking him. The doctor said he was wrong. He wasn’t.

      • Actually, they tell you that now, that if they’re being poked, that it means they cut the strings too short. There’s a whole science to how long they should be, to curl over the cervix. as it turns out. My friend, Daniel’s wife had her trimmed too short, when hers was implanted, and they had to remove it within a month for that very reason. Being a chick sucks sometimes.

  6. I’m so glad you cleared up what a Mirena was because I thought it was that Spanish 90’s dance you do at weddings and I didn’t understand how it got in your vagina but did understand why you’d want it removed.

  7. Randstein

    I can’t imagine the pain, trials, and tribulations a woman must go through with the care and upkeep of a vagina. In my whole and entire life, I hope I never encounter an alien entity with a penchant for penis poking during vagina spelunking. Of course, I stick to a single spousal source for all my spelunking sports but she has a habit of not telling me everything. “Yeeeeooowww!” “Oh. Sorry, forgot to mention that.”

  8. Please explain to me why I went ahead and read that anyway, despite the warning. And now to the internet! Research must be undertaken! Also, I am so confused. And kind of anxious. Pass the scotch. And the extra scotch. Thanks a lot Meg-gy.

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