As Popular As A Food Truck…But Without Pants.

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My best friend, Matthew, has finally extricated himself from the world’s worst relationship.  His former partner, Kenneth, said some truly terrible things to him, none of which are clever enough to post here.  However, Matthew’s responses, in my opinion, were HILARIOUS.  Two of my favorites:

1. “Kenneth, grow up, if I wanted to date a child, I’d register myself as a sex offender, and then hang myself from my tie rack.”

2. “Get, down off your cross, Kenneth, it doesn’t match the decor, and we need the wood.”

Soooo, the breakup comes as a surprise to no one, but in the wake of this event, Matthew has to change all of his legal paperwork, which led to this conversation:

Matthew: “I’m going to need your Social Security Number; I have to change my beneficiary information.”

Me: “Sure thing, and do you have medical directives, because you need to name someone to take care of you, in case, God forbid, something happens.”

Matthew: “Yeah, I’ll sign it over to you.”

Me: “Just so I know, in advance, if you’re in a coma, and paralyzed from the neck down…”

Matthew: “Pull the fucking plug.”

Me: “Okay.  And if it’s just the waist down?”

Matthew: “Let me live, I’ll still be able to jack guys off.”

Me: “You’re going to be the most popular thing on four wheels.”

Matthew: “That’s right, betches…I deliver.”

41 thoughts on “As Popular As A Food Truck…But Without Pants.

  1. Doug in Oakland

    Death panels! (Which are still better than mirror tiles)…
    Must be a sturdy tie rack. Congratulations on his new-found freedom, and on having a friend such as yourself to help him get there.

  2. pjsandchocolate

    Matthew needs to write a book or open a school or an online seminar entitled “The Art of the Verbal Bitch-Slap.”

    Because to do it right is an art form, and that man’s got talent.

  3. Yes, that’s the kind of man that even I would date… Although response #2 (get off your cross…) is a variation from the movie, “The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert” Guy Pierce says it in the movie — wearing a dress made of flip-flop sandals of all things.

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