The Happiest Place On Earth Is Now Anywhere With Ibuprofen And Beer

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There is NO INTERPRETIVE DANCE allowed on Thunder Mountain Railroad.

There is NO INTERPRETIVE DANCE allowed on Thunder Mountain Railroad.

In case some of you thought I was dead somewhere (hoping, I daresay), I was merely on Spring Break with my family.  After fooling my kids into thinking they were going to Prescott, AZ with my mother, with the car packed, we revealed the truth…that we were taking them to Disneyland. As exciting as Prescott is, I’m sure you can imagine, they were thrilled at the change in plans.

Because I’m exhausted, have to work today (already!?), and everything hurts…I’ll just share a quick summary of Le Disney.

1. Nothing looks as smug as the faces of people passing you in the Fast Pass line.  Oh, yeah…well, I’ve got a pocket-full of California Screamin’ tickets set to ripen in a 10 minutes…then we’ll see who’s smug.

2. The Indiana Jones ride…has a posted height requirement…but should actually have a support bra requirement.  Seriously, it’s like Girls on Trampolines in there.  The happiest place on Earth?  The security office for that ride, watching the footage.

3. There’s a subtle line between making your children the center of your life, and teaching them that they’re the center of the known universe. Annnnd I saw that line crossed, on the daily.

4. I don’t care how many Mickey-shaped beignets you just ate…  Thou shall not joke about cocaine use at Disneyland.  Apparently, that joke doesn’t go over well in the Magic Kingdom.

5. I’m probably in the vacation photos of a million strangers, but only 4 of my own.  Yes, family from Indiana, that is me, and yes, that was my third churro…don’t fucking judge.

6. My daughter can spot a “famous Vine-r” from 50 paces away, but doesn’t know who Angie Harmon is, when she’s standing 10 feet away.  (She’s lovely by the way, and her daughters are insanely beautiful…shocker.)

7. On every ride this happened…

Cast member: “Have a great ride!”

Caolinn: “You, too!”

*facepalm*

8. You know those cameras, where they snap a picture of you, mid-ride?  After looking like a mental patient in 30 of them, this is what happens.

IMG_0136

Now, back to work.  Grumble, grumble.

49 thoughts on “The Happiest Place On Earth Is Now Anywhere With Ibuprofen And Beer

  1. Waaait a minute: You got on THIRTY (30) rides at Disneyland? In how many days?! The last time we went, we counted ourselves lucky that it was a seven-ride day. Well, it was Christmas time.

    If your goal is seeing stars, head for Geezers Die-Die next time–that famous medical facility up Beverly Hills way. You can’t help but spot ’em around there–and many are walking around upright, breathing, prior to seeing their physicians.

    That Harmon thing–people like that are a breed apart, literally. They are aliens who live among us, uninterested in and incapable of interbreeding with such as you or I. Their only challenge at passing is to mimic the appearance of aging. I hate them all, and it is one of my life’s missions to find their genetic Achilles’ heel and destroy them–or, alternately, make all their males want me desperately.

    • She actually looks fairly normal, albeit really pretty, in person. She wasn’t overly made up at all, and she doesn’t look like she’s had any obvious work. I was impressed.

      We did REALLY well. I think we were at least 15-20 rides a day. We seemed to hit before most people were on Spring Break, so the only real crowds were Arizona people. Apparently, one of my students was also there, and I successfully evaded. lol

      • 1. Re: The alien you spotted–Just proves my point. (I am extremely unobservant, but even I haven’t been able to help but notice a few over the years here, and all have been better-looking in the flesh than on screen. All but a couple with whom I’ve spoken have seemed like pleasant folk, too–d#mn their obviously-hypnotic alien eyes!)

        2. If your family truly managed that many rides, you somehow entered a time-warp to the year the park opened. Congratulations! I believe my personal best, from 1994, on a day when the entire contents of the Atlantic poured down upon the park, stands at 12. (THAT was a GREAT day!)

      • I seriously went back and counted, and we did 42 in 3 days. It was a pretty sweet run. Not as sweet as the time we were able to ride Splash Mountain 4x without getting off, but…still good.

      • My brother was playing basketball one time in a gym and Eddie Murphy happened to be one of the guys playing. My brother said one of the best fan comments ever, in my opinion:

        “Will you sweat on me?”

        Meg, will you sweat on me?

      • Sadly, I don’t even think either of us would have to try. Proximity, combined with my sweatiness and clumsiness and it’s a done deal.

      • Good to hear. He’s almost a shirt tail relative. Disney based Goofy on the voice of Pinto Colvig. He was raised just down the road from here. My mother grew up with him and one of my grandfather’s sisters married Pinto’s older brother. Pinto, BTW, would go on to become Bozo the Clown. For more trivia, Pinto was the voice of one of the Munchkins who sang the Lollypop song in the original Wizard of Oz. Hmmm. Much more than you wanted to know. 🙂 –Curt

  2. Couldn’t get past #2 because it was too funny and I had to stop.
    Of course I’m not kidding.
    I had to pause ‘Broad City’ during the downtown Asian bus scene for the same reason.

  3. damn it. i almost got away but i saw that someone mentioned angie harmon and now i have to know if she was there because law & order.
    way to keep me from having a life.

  4. Mmm. Angie Harmon. Sorry, I’ve had a not so secret crush on her for decades. I even told Julie that if we ever break up I’m going to photo shop Angie Harmon’s face on her body in all our pictures..Now. What were you saying about cocaine and Mickey Mouse??

    • I think it’s everywhere, but I think princess-land brings out the worst. Ugh… Not everyone is a princess, some of you bitches are going to need to grow up to be lawyers and shit…suck it up, ladies!

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