His Wedding Registry Will Be Nothing But Maxi-Pads.

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(This is what I have to listen to, while I’m trying to cook dinner.”

Xavier: “The dog likes me better, because he’s MAN’S best friend, not woman’s best friend.  What is woman’s best friend, anyway?”

Caolinn: “Tampons.”

Xavier: “What are tampons?”

Caolinn: “Mom!”

Me: “You got yourself into this one, get yourself out of it.”

Caolinn: (sigh) “You know how once a month, women bleed from their hoohah?”

Xavier: “Ugh, yeah.”

Caolinn: “Tampons help you, so you don’t leak.”

Xavier: “Ewwww.”

Caolinn: “Well, when you’re married, you’re going to need to deal with this.  Well, if you’re married to a woman; if you’re married to a man, you won’t.”

Xavier: “God, I really hope I wind up gay.”

Caolinn: “We all do, Xavier.”

60 thoughts on “His Wedding Registry Will Be Nothing But Maxi-Pads.

  1. Oh my god that’s hilarious… the finest parenting I have ever seen. Poor Xavier, I hope his gay dream comes true, and he avoids the ickiness of females everywhere. By the way Meg, once again: kick-ass attention-grabbing title.

  2. Doug in Oakland

    Cue the transformation from being grossed out by to being obsessed with in 3 … 2 … 1 …
    And off topic, but have you heard Taylor Mali read his poem “What Teachers Make” on YouTube? It kicks serious ass and reminds me of you.

  3. Holy shit that’s funny. Your kids are really, really, sharp. Did you know that in your country a woman cannot be President because she has that thing with her HooHaa once a month? It has something to do with tigers and sharks being able to smell it.

  4. I’m just so d#mned happy right now. (sniff!)

    One of my friends used to wish he could live as a fly on the wall in the kitchen of Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft. I feel just like a privileged fly on the heavily-graffiti’d wall of your home…

    Porta-Potty-Mouth.

    (Bawling in joy.)

  5. Ye-es…best of his movies–but I am partial, for high points, to:

    (1) Madeline Kahn bursting into “Sweet Mystery of Life”–still a magic movie moment for me : )

    (2) And, for the awesome sentimentality, when Frank Langella gets down on the ground and begins his own “seizing”. So wrong, yet so right.

    • LMAO…I love that scene. She was the best. Everything about his movies. They always knew how to walk the line if completely offensive, but make it funny in such a way that it was commentary. So brilliant. Young Frankenstein was my favorite movie as a kid…what were MY parents doing!?

  6. Someone needs to tell him that as a married man he’s EXPECTED to rush to the store routinely to pick them up… And if he’s gay he’ll be expected to at least a handful of times in his life..

    How I ended up being THAT best friend is a mystery even to me.

    • I, for one, have NEVER asked a husband or boyfriend to pick up my pads/tampons. 1. Because I’m a planner, and I always have supplies. 2. I would never do that to a man…it’s weird. 3. They would buy the wrong fucking kind EVERY time, and I’d just wind up pissed. lol

      You, dear Michael, are a saint. 🙂

  7. Uhhh… And to think I just got done saying to someone, “I might have come out of a vagina… I have positively no plans for getting near another one ever again…”

    Then I see this…

    Then I’m thinking, “How big is Ryan?”

    And I remember all about men and cheating… It’s ugly, it involves horrible double standards and relief that turns to fear when they realize I’d chase them more…

    It’d make the bedlam with your children an afternoon tea party with Edgar Allen Poe and HP Lovecraft look like an everyday occurrence.

    Mass Hysteria, you say? Yeah, that scratches the surface…

  8. Randstein

    I would think Xavier would seek celibacy to avoid lunacy. I suppose you can have that talk with him after the first attempt at growing a mustache fails.

  9. When my oldest daughter decided to shock her dad and tell him she was a lesbian he simply said, “thank God! You’re chances at getting an STD or pregnant just dropped by 75%!” Sometimes I worry that our kids don’t really shock us anymore!

  10. I also laughed out loud at the end of your post. I’m so glad you followed my blog! Now that I found you, (and followed) I look forward to many giggles 🙂
    J

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