Seriously…if you’re REMOTELY conservative or squeamish…this isn’t your post. Maybe go find the one where I talk about Panda Porn…it’s still rank, but somehow slightly adorable.
Ryan: Hey, I’m on the 14th hole, so we should be done soon. Do you want to come over at 5?
Me: Sounds good. How’s the score?
Ryan: Terrible. I’m playing badly, even for me.
Me: Start mooning them when they tee off.
Ryan: I don’t think that’ll be enough, they’re all lawyers…they’ve seen things. We’ve been throwing out the names of disgusting sex acts from Urban Dictionary all afternoon to try and throw each other off.
Me: Have you already tried Cleveland Steamer?
Ryan: Are you kidding? That’s where we started. It’s been a dark, dark day.
Me: How does that stuff even get started?
Ryan: No idea. Too many drunk men lying about things they’ve gotten away with?
Me: Women would never do that.
Ryan: 1. It’s disgusting and no one should be doing it. 2. Women would be judged more…not that this is fair.
Me: Yes, women and men will never truly be equals…until ladies can lie to their girlfriends about taking a dump on a man’s chest.
Ryan: I just laughed so hard that one of my friends sliced.
Me: My work here is done.
Update: I feel it necessary to point out that women don’t poop. Ever. We’re magical.