Sex and the Single Heathen

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Me: Um…I’m watching that new show You’re the Worst, and it’s borderline porn…it’s amazing.

Ryan: How do I not know about this show?  Ohhhh right, I have kids.

Me: Seriously, you have to DVR it for when they go back to their mom’s.

Ryan: Clearly, you don’t understand that my kids own the DVR.  The last time I looked on that thing, it had 11 taped episodes of “19 Kids and Counting”.

Me: Oh, please save that for when I come over next week, because nothing says ‘hot makeout sesh’ like watching the Duggars and contemplating her clowncar uterus.

Ryan: They’ve probably only done it 19 times.

Me: Yeah, but I’m willing to bet she only felt six of them.

Ryan: Obviously it was the first six, after that she was playing Candy Crush on her phone, over Jim Bob’s shoulder.

Me:  Seriously, what must that bedroom be like?

Ryan: I imagine that they pray during the act,

Me: The only woman in America, who when she yells ‘Jesus’ during sex…is ACTUALLY talking about Jesus.  If you invite the holy spirit while you’re going at it…does that count as a threesome?

Ryan:  I would like to thank you for asking that question via text, so that I’m not next to you when the lightning strikes.

(3 minutes later…)

Ryan: Megan?  MEGAN!?  Please tell me you were letting the dog out, and that you weren’t smited!?  Or is it smote?

Me: Right, because if I’m laying dead on the floor, courtesy of an angry god…grammar matters.

Ryan: I’m glad we agree on this.

 

69 thoughts on “Sex and the Single Heathen

  1. That show was on last night. The TV had been on that channel since, I don’t remember when earlier in the day, and I wasn’t really paying attention. My 13 year old comes out to get a snack and I didn’t notice what he was doing but I knew he had been out of his room for like 10 minutes and that NEVER happens. I look up and he’s standing behind the couch with his eyes glued to the TV. WHOOOOPS! Parenting fail. LOL

    • That would be the best eulogy ever. Of course it wouldn’t be able to be given in an ACTUAL church. I’m thinking maybe in the Club House of the local horse track? Perhaps the local Indian casino?

  2. Geraint Isitt

    Never seen either show. Must look for one of them. I could do without clown car vaginas. I hate clowns. And seriously funny stuff.
    Not sure it counts as a threesome though.

    • Agreed. Although, I’d like to think if I was dead from an excellent smiting, that it would somehow take a secondary interest. I’m probably dreaming on that one, aren’t I?

      • I don’t know, since smitings have never actually been proven, if you ended up dead from an actual smiting it might be news worthy.

  3. stabby (This is from the Urban Dictionary)

    The feeling one has when one is in a particularly bad mood about wither nothing or something. It doesn’t matter. You are feeling borderline homicidal. Ideas of stabbing things to relieve the seething anger come to mind.. Then you get distrated or blog about it and it goes away.
    I was cut off many times today on my way to work, then I spilled coffee on my white shirt. It would be a bad idea to piss me off today because I am feeling stabby right now

    2.
    stabby
    -adj. describing feelings of hostility or mean temper, usually related to misfortune or high stress. Originates from the fact the stabbing someone or something seems unusually rational when one is in a stabby mood.
    Child rearing can make an overworked mom feel downright stabby. Don’t tell CPS (child protective services).

  4. Doug in Oakland

    So I just read that fourteen people are having a seriously smite-ish day down on Venice Beach and Catalina Island… I don’t suppose you had anything to do with that smite-ishness?

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