And This Is How I Ruin Any Eventual Chance I Have For Grandchildren…

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In the wake of Mother’s Day, I’ve been contemplating the real lessons and sacrifices of what it takes to be a mother. Should someday, I lose my mind (read: get incredibly drunk) and tell my children the truth…I’m afraid that it’s going to sound painfully like the following list…

1. Kids, when you were babies, everything about your bodies was miraculous and beautiful, but now my biggest fear is that one of you will grow pubes, and that I might accidentally see them.  I’m pretty sure you harbor the same fear, so let’s all just be cool, and keep this from happening, okay?

2. Children…loves of my life…there is NOTHING I wouldn’t do for you…NOTHING…except let you drink out of my glass.  It’s fucking gross, and you’re old enough to get your own cup, so let’s make that happen, or I’m going to start backwashing on purpose.

3. The ten minute drive between your school and my work is the closest I will ever get to come to acting like an adult with a pulse.  Yes, me, your mother, the same person who gets angry when someone says “ass” on the radio, has an entire playlist that revolves around the word “fuck”, just for that blissful ten minutes when you’re not in the car.  Frankly, we’re all lucky that my commute isn’t long enough for me to get my hands on some porn and a bong.

4. For the love of Christ, what is wrong with you?  The only thing I’ve learned after 15 years of parenting, is that you guys seem to spend every waking moment trying to think of increasingly bizarre and ridiculous ways to kill yourselves, and I spend every waking second trying to stop you.  I’m not a parent…I’m a live-action suicide prevention hotline trapped in a pediatric clown college.  Would you PLEASE fucking TRY and survive on your own for one day, damn it…I’m exhausted.

5. When asking you to do something, don’t I always ask nicely the first few times?  After the fourth time…we all know the screaming begins.  Why is it that you want me to scream?  And why is it, after you’ve driven me to the point of screaming, do you have the audacity to look at me as though *I’m* the one who sucks?

6. Kids, a huge portion of my job, as your mother, is to pretend that I’m completely lame, and not remotely as awesome as I once was. Those lost weekends in Amsterdam…the time that I rappelled drunk, off the roof of my dorm…that college lesbian experience I had with the woman you now know as “Aunt Becky”…yeah…that shit didn’t happen. Did. Not. Happen.

7. Hey…still reeling from #6?  Well, then strap in, kids, because your grandparents…well, I know things that would ruin your entire life.  Because I don’t want your grandmother to kill me in my sleep, I’ll just say one thing…the sixties.  Feel free to make your own assumptions.

8.  Lastly, guys, as much as I’m joking about how hard this all is, (and it is…it’s unspeakably hard, especially because I’m raising you on my own) it has always, always, always, been so completely and totally worth it.  Every sacrifice, every struggle, every day that ends with one of you slamming a door and telling me that I’m unfair, or that I suck…it’s still worth it.  I promise I will love you with every moment I am given on the Earth.  Each of you have exceeded every dream I’ve ever dared dream, and I’m so very happy to have been a part of setting you loose on this planet.  I love you.  The world is a better place because you are a part of it.  Now…go kick some ass.  And while you’re at it, let the dog out, clean your room, empty the dishwasher, and let me talk on the phone for thirty blissful minutes without interrupting to tell me how your sibling violated your basic civil rights.  Thank you…thank you for being mine.

108 thoughts on “And This Is How I Ruin Any Eventual Chance I Have For Grandchildren…

  1. Note to self: Don’t read posts with headlines like this one had, at least not when your spouse is sleeping next to you and gets annoyed when he awakens to you braying like a donkey in laughter. 🙂

  2. Great post! I don’t have children, but if I did, I imagine I’d write something similar to this. I often tell my students, “Thank goodness I’m hard of hearing because most of the stuff you say doesn’t make sense anyway.” Thanks for checking out my blog and the follow!

    • When I first started teaching, I thought for sure I couldn’t have kids, but then I met the parents and realized I was totally in the clear. lol

      The teachers have to stick together…if we don’t, the kids will form gangs and…wait….shit.

  3. #9 don’t drop out of college and have a kid just to prove that you can be a better parent … ah shit, too late [see, I’m proof that there’s always a chance that you will have grandchildren :P]

  4. You are brilliant! How could I not have known about you? Loved #2–Have you SEEN what leftover baby food looks like when you take it back out of the fridge? Baby spit is seriously TOXIC!! Gack!

    Thank you so much for the Follow on The Last Half, and am now happily, joyfully Following you back : )

    • I NEVER kept that stuff for exactly that reason. Whatever they were able to eat in one sitting…that was it. Twenty minutes in a fridge and that stuff was hell on earth.

  5. This is so very fabulously funny that even if my kids were sill at home it would be totally over the top! Great stuff!!! They really have driven your bonkers!
    Thank you very much for subscribing and opening the door to your fun-tastic world! Eddie

  6. I’m still laughing! I love the way you look at life. I have a great sense of humour but you can’t see it in my posts. I can’t wait to read more. Thank you for following my blog 🙂

    • Thanks, Jane! I can’t wait to read more on yours, too! Hey, anytime I meet someone who is like-minded, and doesn’t think I”m going to burn in hell…that’s a good day.
      🙂

  7. Oh, that is too funny! I think you and I would get along fantastically! I too am raising my two daughters on my own, which began very recently, like 3 ½ months ago recently, and I am indeed quite worried of them both being teens. And like you, they are THE BEST thing that has happened to me in my life. Thanks for your visit…it has led me to you! 🙂

    • Hello fellow singleton! You will be GREAT at this; it’s so much easier to raise them on your own, than in an acrimonious house. 🙂 Teenagers are easy…the only thing you have to do is stay super-consistent, and threaten every crime with the removal of their phone. lol

  8. This is such a refreshing, hilarious authentic post, you are saying it how so many mothers feel, none of this sugar-coated stuff. May I add one thing? My friend said to her kids, ‘The only thing worse than thinking of your parents having sex is thinking of your kids having sex.’ 🙂

  9. I think we may have been separated at birth. You rock, and I’m so glad you stopped by and followed my blog because momming is a difficult business, and it’s difficult to find others as profane yet living as yourself. I heart you.

    • I heart you! And you’re totally correct; this isn’t an occupation for sissies. Trust me, I behave around them, but the minute I’m out if earshot…drunken sailor with flaring case of gout and a poor unbringing.

  10. And how nice they are, all these small ones, but who gradually turn into exact copies of ourselves? 🙂
    As you sow, so you shall reap! And if it may be a comfort to you, I think children aren’t all that different where ever in the world they may grow up, always exploring their limitations.

    Thanks for subscribing to my blog, by the way.
    At the moment there are more than 2900 ‘full screen’ pictures waiting for you, and more will be coming.
    Please enjoy!

      • Being 77 years of age, I’ve had my share of them through a long life, but – how unlikely it seemed in the beginning – none of them have gone astray. And for that I’m very pleased!

  11. Just wait ’till they’re grown, have kids of their own, and you get a phone call that starts (after a text of…whaa? let me get my reading glasses…EEEEK) Child: Mom, I know this is TMI but…”

    Even better, getting a call on Friday night, you know, the time when you’re unwinding after the week from hell at work, adult beverages in hand, and you get the other kind of call. (divorced 20 years) Child: “Mom, Dad said you once (insert you best imagination here), is that TRUE?” At that moment, you try to decide if you want to keep wearing that SuperMom cape, or let them know the REAL you. Depends on lots of factors, that choice. Ponder why you never did shoot that rat bastard, and then …

    Seriously. As adults they are even more fun, more like you than you wished, and all the more precious when they actually consider you friend and want you in their life.

    You’re that kind of mom 🙂 And we rock!

    • We do rock, damn it!!! And I swear, I had twelve years of opportunities to smother that man in his sleep, and I didn’t take a single one of them, so he better behave in his old age. 🙂

      I don’t think my daughter will ever think something is TMI to me…I’m disgusting.

      • LOL! Just wait. You won’t believe what they text you photos of….It’s like you want to say “Honey, what if that went to a wrong number, you know, like you’re always texting ME your food orders instead of your hubby….hmmm?” I raised my girls open, and dear gawd are they open, roflmao.

  12. Forget number 7…number 6 is why I plan on building my house like Fort Knox, complete with an updated security system with cameras from every angle, 24/7 phone assistance from someone that says a creepy teenage guy is lurking near the front door, guard dogs, barbed wire fences, and quite possibly military-trained, roof-top snipers….

  13. gingerjudgesyou

    As much as I feel my husband does the bare minimum raising our son sometimes, even a little help goes a long way and I can’t imagine how you single moms do it. Kudos and what lovely sentiments!

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