For those of you who know me, or who read this blog enough to know that I’m a casual heretic, it should amuse you to know that I’ve been making sure that my children complete their religious sacraments.  My desire to do so, is partly in deference to tradition, but mostly it’s to give those wee heathens a fighting chance, on the off-chance that having oil thrown on your head ACTUALLY DOES save your ass at some point.
Now, in order for children to get their first communion and confirmation, not only do the kids have to go to class…the parents do, too.  The Catholic church is kind of like the mob, that way…once you’re in, you can never REALLY get out.
The parents quickly formed cliques.  Mine was comprised of four single parents, a gay couple, and an Irish woman who was habitually hungover.  These were my people.  Team Jesus!
Instructor: “So I want you to take this list of bible verses home, and discuss them with you children, using your family bible.”

Dan: (whispering to me, out of the side of his mouth) “Do you even own a bible?”

Me: “Um….no….do I look like William of Orange?  We’re Catholics, damn it…we don’t own bibles.”

Dan: “Do you think they have them in the gift shop?”

Me: “We can’t go there, then they’ll know we don’t own them.”

Dan: “Then what should we do?”

Me: “We could go to a motel and steal one.  You know…really stick it to those Gideons.”

Dan: “Riiiight…two single people sneaking into a motel room, in the middle of the day…to steal a bible…”

Me: “It would be the last thing they suspected.”

Dan: “Well…at least now we’ll have something to confess, when that comes up next week.”

Me: “Wait…they’re not expecting US to make a confession are they!?  I haven’t been to confession since the fourth grade!”

Dan: “That’s what she told us last week…that we should do it, to set a good example.”

Me: “Christ…we’re talking about the most interesting 20 years of my life here.”

Dan: “That priest better get comfortable.”

Me: “That priest better pack a friggin’ lunch.”

2 thoughts on “Judas!

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