Well, I’m Not Buying Assless Chaps For ME…That Would Be Ridiculous.

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Me: “Did you know when you text ‘assless chaps’, that auto changes it to ‘assless chaos’?”

Tracy: “How would I possibly know that, and why are you texting about assless chaps?”

Me: “Ryan and I were speculating if it was possible to get teeny tiny ones for cats.”

Tracy: “Assless chaps for cats…”

Me: “For when the cats ride the rescue donkey we’re getting.”

Tracy: “And when are you getting a rescue donkey?”

Me: “When we win Powerball.”

Tracy: “This is why some people shouldn’t be rich…THIS.”

Squirrel!!!

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A few weeks ago, I broke my toe at work, so I’ve been forced to wear one of those ridiculous boots to protect it while it’s healing.

Student: “How’s your toe?”

Me: “Better, but today, I have this weird burning pain.”

Student: “You should take Adderol.”

Me: “So I can really buckle down and focus on how much it hurts?”

Student: “Oh, sorry, I meant Demerol.”

Me: “We’re going to need to have a conversation about your knowledge of prescription medications, one of these days.”

So Much For Telling My Kids the Truth

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Me: “How many teachers are pregnant at your school?”

Xavier: “Four.”

Me: “Geez…sounds like there’s something in the water.”

Xavier: “Sounds like a lot of teachers are having unprotected sex.”

Me: …..

In My Head…It Involved Mounties

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Boys: (Murmuring something to each other at the farmer’s market.)

Me: “WHAT did you just say to your brother!?”

Xavier (confused): “Canadian corn.”

Me: “Oh.”

Liam: “Wait…what did you think he said?”

Me (cough): “Nothing…nevermind.”