My son’s science teacher did a back-to-school assignment with some “Getting To Know You” questions. This is what Xavier put…because of course he did. *sigh*
Me: (Pensively staring at my 4’10” friend….or according to Google…147cm)
Penny: “You’re thinking about how short I am, again, aren’t you?”
Me: “I could totally put my boobs on top of your head.”
(After I sent him a real estate listing for a huge historic estate…)
Ryan: Great property, and I like the tree-lined drive.
Me: It would be perfect for a dog herd.
Ryan: Dogs? We could just set the children loose among the trees!
Me: I don’t even care if the damn thing is haunted.
Ryan: That might even make it better. Just as long as the walls don’t bleed.
Me: Agreed, I draw the line at supernatural bodily fluids.
Ryan: Wise boundary, you have no idea where those ghosts have been.
Me: Well, yeah, something killed them.
Okay, this is truly pathetic…I mean to post this when it happened in March, so bear with me, and pretend that it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and excuse me for being, apparently, so drunk that I’m just getting around to hitting the ‘publish’ button.
Ryan: Lick of the Irish? That sounds like the makings of an excellent evening.
Me: This is why we’re together.
(Five minutes later…)
Ryan: Order whatever you want on it, the kids will eat it.
Ryan: Damn it, disregard, this is what happens when I text you and my mom at the same time. She and I were trying to figure out what kind of pizza to order for dinner.
Me: Just be happy you texted me about pizza, and didn’t text her about your cunnilingus skills.
Ryan: Yeah, nothing kills the mood more than talking to your mom about giving head. That’s the anti-viagra.
Me: That will never be on a Cialis ad.
Ryan: If it were, it would be two side-by-side bathtubs with one of them falling over a cliff.
Matthew: (looking around the bar) “Ohhhh, tonight’s going to be a good night.”
Me: “How can you tell?”
Matthew: “I haven’t slept with a single person here.”
Dinner at my parent’s isn’t a formal affair, even when they’re lucky enough to have my fake brother (my best friend, Matthew) over for pasta. So there we all were…sitting around the table, while my mother assembled marinara with Italian sausage in the kitchen.
Mom: “Megan, you want extra sauce, right?”
Me: “Yes, please.”
Mom: “No sausage, right?”
Me: “No, thank you.”
Mom: “Matthew, sausage?”
Caolinn: “Oh, Uncle Matthew wants hot Italian sausage alright.”
Caolinn and Matthew: (high-fiving)
Me: “Liam, what do you want me to bring you back from my trip?”
Liam: (thinking) “ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!!!”
Me: “Alrighty then…another t-shirt, it is.”