She Clearly Hasn’t Forgiven My Patchouli Phase


Me: “So, I finally managed to get a shred of wisdom today.”

Tracy: “Please tell me it’s that you finally stop believing aromatherapy is actually a thing?”

Me: “Noooo…aromatherapy is still totally a thing.”

Tracy: “Then I don’t care what you think you learned, you’re still stupid.”

This Is Why People Write ‘Bitch’ On My Desks


(With my students, while they do independent research in the computer lab.)

Ramon: “Can I listen to music on Spotify with my headphones while I work?”

Me: “Only if I get to choose the music.”

Ramon: (pause) “Nevermind.”

Terrible Person: Party of One.


My former father-in-law’s wife truly means well, but recently emailed both Caolinn and I this long account of how they ran into a fawn, tried to get it help, and then it died anyway.  Merry fucking Christmas.  Anyway…Caolinn wasn’t impressed.

Caolinn: “Why would she email me, a vegetarian animal lover, a story about how they murdered a baby deer with a Toyota!?”

Me: “Sweetie, I don’t think she meant any harm, but I acknowledge it’s weird.”

Caolinn: “Well, guess who’s not getting a Christmas present from me this year!?”

Me: “Well, the deer, obviously.”

Caolinn: “MOTHER!!!”

In Case You Thought Enemas Were The Most Embarrassing Purchase


Me: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.

Ryan: Yes?

Me: (Sending picture.)

IMG_1015Ryan: What…the…fuck…

Me: Right!? This is a thing now?

Ryan: What aisle are you in, and why?  Do you have something to tell me?

Me: I’m buying tampons, and these were right there.  You know…for people who are blaming faulty sperm for why they still have to buy tampons.  Can we discuss the name “Pre-Seed”!?

Ryan: Can we discuss that for just $44.99 and a handjob I can get 2,000 CVS points!?

Me: Halvsies?

Ryan: Done!

And For My Next Trick, I’ll Need A Blow Torch And A Banana Peel!


If  you’re not already following Jenny Lawson’s (TheBloggess) Twitter feed of people’s awkward confessions, you’re severely missing out.  I think I’ve done every single thing people have written about, at some point.  I’m THAT awkward.  Case in point…

A text conversation…

Me: Soooooo, I saw a kid walking in my building wearing a nice dress shirt and a tie, so I said, ‘Well, don’t you look handsome today!’.

Tracy: And?

Me: Turns out it’s not a kid…it’s a new 23yo substitute.

Tracy: Oh no…

Me: The look on his face…  I went from friendly mom-figure to cougar in about 2 seconds flat.

Tracy: Awesome. Enjoy sexual harassment class.  Again.

I’d Like To Bet Five Dollars On ‘Carbon Emissions’ In The Third.



As we were walking up to Turf Paradise, the local horse racing track…

Liam: “Every time we come here, there’s a plastic bag flying around the parking lot.”

My mother: “Maybe that’s a sign we should bet on a horse with ‘plastic’ or ‘bag’ in its name.”

Liam: “Or maybe it’s just a sign that people should start recycling, but okay.”

Yet Another Art Medium In Which To Be Inappropriate.

Okay, if you look at just the green part, she has a point.

Okay, if you look at just the green part, she has a point.


My son has decided to become a self-taught balloon sculptor. Don’t ask…I just live here, I have no idea how this crap gets in their heads.

Xavier: “Mommmm!  Caolinn just said my balloon flower looks like a penis!”

Me: “Ask her how she knows what a penis looks like.”

Xavier: (pause) “I’d rather die.”