I’m One Vial Of Lion’s Sperm From Making Myself A Griffin.



Me: “The real Easter miracle this year?  My neighbor found the last egg today by our fence.  One more day and it would have hatched a basilisk.”

Drew: “Wait…don’t you cook those eggs?”

Me: “Yeah, why?”

Drew: “Well, if it’s been cooked, it can’t hatch.”

Me: “To be clear…you’re saying the reason why I can’t hatch a mythical, giant snake out of a chicken egg…is because I hard-boiled it, first…”

Drew: “I’d like to remind you that, according to you…the egg in question was hidden by a giant, magical rabbit.”

Me: “Touche.”

I Want Parenting Bonus Points For Refraining From, “Shut up, Smartass.”



And that's how Jeff became the most popular boy at Amherst.  (yes, I wiki-ed where he went to college...sue me)

And that’s how Jeff became the most popular boy at Amherst. (yes, I wiki-ed where he went to college…sue me)

Xavier: “Who’s Jeff Corwin?”

Me: “He has a show where he does animal stuff.”

Xavier: “So…he has a show where he sniffs butts and poops on the lawn?”

Me: “Shut it, Smart Aleck.”

Xavier: *giggling*

I Have ALLLL The Huevos



Yet another fantastically heretical Easter Sunday conversation, albeit this time by text with my favorite Jewish doctor.


Drew: Are you done with that whole chocolate egg thing that your people pretend is connected to Jesus, yet.

Me: The kids were done hours ago. Now they’re Skyping with their father.

Drew: Oh great. Is he correcting your parenting from afar, again?

Me: He’s telling them, to tell me, to email him their report cards, and I’m biting my tongue from saying, “Sure, but tell him to send child support”.

Drew: Well, he might actually do it!  It is your people’s day of miracles, after all.

Me: I’m pretty sure that we used all of our miracle cache on that resurrection thing.  No dice.

Drew: If he does, can we say he “rose from the deadbeat”?

Me: I love you so much right now.

I Hope They Make A Handbasket Big Enough.



Two horrifying things that happened during the early morning Easter egg hunt.

Xavier: “Mom, did you hide any eggs in the entertainment center.”

Me: “I have no idea what the Easter Bunny does.”

Xavier: (whispering) “Liiiiiar.”



Caolinn: “Wait…was Easter the day Jesus died, or the day he came back.”

Me: “It was the day he was resurrected.”

Caolinn: “Oh, that makes more sense.  Now that I think about it…that’s kind of like what happened with Yoda.”

Me: “Yeah…we need to go to church today.”