It’s Like Real Porn…But With Less Nudity, But Somehow Lower Morals

Standard

312873_2537025900669_284558168_n

Those of you who know me, know that I have a deep, abiding love of something that I like to lovingly call, “real estate porn”, and now I’m passing my addiction on to America’s youth.  While we were eating breakfast, I usually show the kids the news, but last Friday, we went on an MLS site, so I could show them multi-million dollar homes, prompting this…

D’Avonte: “Forty-nine million dollars!?  Who has forty-nine million dollars!?  And who needs sixteen bathrooms?  You only got one ass.”

 

**NOTE: I do NOT refer to it as “real estate porn” in front of my students…I like my job.  Ironically, I don’t think I have a student that hasn’t seen a tremendous amount of ACTUAL porn, but someone has to have some standards in this joint, and sadly, that’s me.**

If I Have To Claim You, I’m Dyeing Your Hair Red, and I Get To Beat You.

Standard

 

(On our field trip last week…)

Me: “Hey…behave. We’re in public and people are going to think you’re mine.”

Kid: “Ohhhh, it’s about to get real embarrassing for you, then.”

Me: *sigh*

Kids, I Only Buy You Halloween Costumes So I Can Steal Your Candy.

Standard
My sons both picked out these costumes...welcome to the next three years of my life.

My sons both picked out these costumes…welcome to the next three years of my life.

From last night, while we were costume shopping…

Caolinn: (eye roll) “Awwwwwesome…look at all the slutty choices I have.”

I Am So Stupid, I Can’t Even Avoid Someone Who’s Probably Avoiding Me

Standard

go-home-bat_o_835072

Me: “So who wants to hear about how I’m the most embarrassing person alive?”

Tracy: “I do, I do!”

Me: “You know how I’m basically blind in the dark?”

Tracy: “Ohhhhh, this should be good.”

Me: “So, I was handing out pamphlets at the football game, and I walked STRAIGHT up some guy, with the biggest idiot grin on my face, asking if I could talk to him about the budget override…”

Tracy: “And…?”

Me: “He starts talking to me, and I realize he’s the principal I dated summer before last… the one where we broke up and it ended horribly, and we never spoke again.”

Tracy: “Oh, my, God…what did you do?”

Me: “I stammered about how he clearly already knew about the override and then ran for it.”

(deafening silence)

Me: “Nothing?  You’re not going to say ANYTHING about this?”

Tracy: “You exist to make me feel better about myself.”

Me: “I want to argue, and I can’t.”

Touche, Kid…Now Shut Up

Standard

384193_2522285972180_1730494578_n

For those of you who remember this post…my favorite student, D’Avonte, is a 6′ 3 self-identified drag queen, who comes to school in full regalia every day…and whose look is always on point.  ALWAYS.

 

Me: (To my assistant) “Seriously, who hasn’t been in this room this week?  I think everyone on campus has evaluated my teaching.”

D’Avonte: (murmuring) “Good thing they’re evaluating your teaching, and not your choice of fucking shoes.”