Just My Presence Takes The Cool Out Of Ice

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StraightOuttaSomewhere

Ryan and I came of age in the 80’s-90’s, and both have an deep affection for West Coast rap from that era, despite being a pair of pasty, middle-class dorks with zero street cred. We’ve been trying to find a time to see Straight Outta Compton for two weeks, with no success, but THIS WEEKEND…it will finally happen, thus this conversation.

Me: Movie and dinner?  Hardcore couch makeout, after?

Ryan: Tomorrow, yes? Are we finally going to see our movie?

Me: 👉🏻👌🏻👮🏻

Ryan: Did you just emoji NWA?

Me: Yes, yes, I did.

Ryan: *slow clap*

I’m Convinced She Was Drunk…at 8am.

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Things my mother REALLY doesn’t like…violence, guns, tattoos, motorcycles, and men with long hair, so NOTHING about this conversation makes sense.

Mom: You watch Sons of Anarchy, right?

Me: Yeah. Why?

Mom: There’s a quiz online for you to find out which character would be your husband.  (Sends link)

Me: Lol…okay. Mom where did you find this, you’ve never even seen an episode of that show.

Mom: I got Jax and from description he looked pretty good. Heh heh heh.

Me: Jesus, Mother.

 

And, mom…because I know you’re going to read this…a gift from me to you.

 

Please excuse the fact that he looks like sexy Jesus, here.

I’ve Never Been So Hot…And Not In A Good Way

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Yes this is real, and I took it.  Right before I burst into flames.

Yes this is real, and I took it. Right before I burst into flames.

So, the only thing worse than surviving a week-long, record breaking heatwave in Phoenix…is having your air conditioning die right in the middle of it.  Four days and three repairmen later…we’re finally back in our house.

Me: I’m no longer a vagrant!

Ryan: Yea!  Did you lower the thermostat to 72, just because you can?

Me: The house is finally down to 84, I’m trying not to push it too fast.

Ryan: I had a brand new unit go out once, and the house got up to 95.  The cats weren’t happy.

Me: I’m guessing because the fur?

Ryan: I tried to get them wet, but they didn’t like it.

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and let you reread that last sentence to yourself.

You Don’t Even Want To Know How The Parrot’s Involved.

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Me: My mother is watching some BBC period drama on Netflix. The giggling and whining about dowries is killllling me.

Ryan: Have you even seen The Quiet Man?  That’s my kind of take on dowries. Beer and fighting, just like God and the Irish intended.

Me: Well, I come with my own Waterford and a paid-off college education, if that does it for you.

Ryan: I have a box of my grandmother’s china and a baseball signed by the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates.

Me: I can’t resist a good baseball, especially when it’s been handled by pirates.

Ryan: Generally, I’m against letting pirates touch my balls.

Me: It’s the hook-hand, isn’t it?

Ryan: It is now.

Wait, Wait, Wait…Aren’t You A Teacher’s Kid? Have I Taught You NOTHING!?

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Caolinn: “My chemistry teacher loves me, and I don’t know why.”

Me: “Why do you think she loves you?”

Caolinn: “Because she sat me in the front row and she always asks me questions.”

Me: (incredulous look)

Caolinn: “What?”

Me: “I love that you think that means she loves you.”

I Don’t Even Have A Penis, DMV. Fuck You Guys.

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Me: Soooo, I got my new plate.

Ryan: You get a good one?

Me: (Sends picture)

Ryan: Haaaaaa!  Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

Me: I am NOT keeping these.

Ryan: Are you sure?  It’ll make you incredibly popular when you park in the student parking lot.

Me: Jesus fucking Christ.

Ryan: Whatever prisoner printed those is currently laughing his ass off.

Me: Can we be clear that the prisoner in question is PROBABLY a former student of mine?

Ryan: Are you going to order vanity plates now?

Me: The irony is, that if I had tried to order this EXACT plate, the DMV would have rejected my request.

Ryan: What are you going to do?

Me: Ughhhhh…I refuse to spend $50 for vanity plates.

Ryan: Well, then…you only have one option.

Me: Which is?

Ryan: Take them to the DMV, wait in line for a few hours, and then explain to a bureaucrat how you don’t want to advertise that you get “BNRS469”.

Me: FML

Ryan: That would make a much better licence plate.