I’m Convinced She Was Drunk…at 8am.

Standard

Things my mother REALLY doesn’t like…violence, guns, tattoos, motorcycles, and men with long hair, so NOTHING about this conversation makes sense.

Mom: You watch Sons of Anarchy, right?

Me: Yeah. Why?

Mom: There’s a quiz online for you to find out which character would be your husband.  (Sends link)

Me: Lol…okay. Mom where did you find this, you’ve never even seen an episode of that show.

Mom: I got Jax and from description he looked pretty good. Heh heh heh.

Me: Jesus, Mother.

 

And, mom…because I know you’re going to read this…a gift from me to you.

 

Please excuse the fact that he looks like sexy Jesus, here.

I’ve Never Been So Hot…And Not In A Good Way

Standard
Yes this is real, and I took it.  Right before I burst into flames.

Yes this is real, and I took it. Right before I burst into flames.

So, the only thing worse than surviving a week-long, record breaking heatwave in Phoenix…is having your air conditioning die right in the middle of it.  Four days and three repairmen later…we’re finally back in our house.

Me: I’m no longer a vagrant!

Ryan: Yea!  Did you lower the thermostat to 72, just because you can?

Me: The house is finally down to 84, I’m trying not to push it too fast.

Ryan: I had a brand new unit go out once, and the house got up to 95.  The cats weren’t happy.

Me: I’m guessing because the fur?

Ryan: I tried to get them wet, but they didn’t like it.

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and let you reread that last sentence to yourself.

You Don’t Even Want To Know How The Parrot’s Involved.

Standard

Me: My mother is watching some BBC period drama on Netflix. The giggling and whining about dowries is killllling me.

Ryan: Have you even seen The Quiet Man?  That’s my kind of take on dowries. Beer and fighting, just like God and the Irish intended.

Me: Well, I come with my own Waterford and a paid-off college education, if that does it for you.

Ryan: I have a box of my grandmother’s china and a baseball signed by the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates.

Me: I can’t resist a good baseball, especially when it’s been handled by pirates.

Ryan: Generally, I’m against letting pirates touch my balls.

Me: It’s the hook-hand, isn’t it?

Ryan: It is now.

Wait, Wait, Wait…Aren’t You A Teacher’s Kid? Have I Taught You NOTHING!?

Standard

Caolinn: “My chemistry teacher loves me, and I don’t know why.”

Me: “Why do you think she loves you?”

Caolinn: “Because she sat me in the front row and she always asks me questions.”

Me: (incredulous look)

Caolinn: “What?”

Me: “I love that you think that means she loves you.”

I Don’t Even Have A Penis, DMV. Fuck You Guys.

Standard

Me: Soooo, I got my new plate.

Ryan: You get a good one?

Me: (Sends picture)

Ryan: Haaaaaa!  Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

Me: I am NOT keeping these.

Ryan: Are you sure?  It’ll make you incredibly popular when you park in the student parking lot.

Me: Jesus fucking Christ.

Ryan: Whatever prisoner printed those is currently laughing his ass off.

Me: Can we be clear that the prisoner in question is PROBABLY a former student of mine?

Ryan: Are you going to order vanity plates now?

Me: The irony is, that if I had tried to order this EXACT plate, the DMV would have rejected my request.

Ryan: What are you going to do?

Me: Ughhhhh…I refuse to spend $50 for vanity plates.

Ryan: Well, then…you only have one option.

Me: Which is?

Ryan: Take them to the DMV, wait in line for a few hours, and then explain to a bureaucrat how you don’t want to advertise that you get “BNRS469”.

Me: FML

Ryan: That would make a much better licence plate.

Aliens Aren’t The Only Ones You Need To Fear

Standard

(Texting from an inservice training for the upcoming school year.)

Me: I’d like a medal for NOT breaking out laughing either time the trainer said, “This is what you do when you have a big unit.”

Ryan: Gold star!

Me: I did not, however, manage to maintain myself any of the times that they said we needed to “continuously probe our students.”

Ryan: Please, please don’t probe students. It is a sure way to get your picture in the paper. Your picture would even be in my paper.  I might even have to give them one off my phone.

Me: Just make sure to use a filter and that I’m smiling.

Ryan: Least I could do.

Let’s All Just Be Happy I Didn’t Teach Your Toddlers How To Play Craps And Use the F-Word.

Standard

Shockingly, my best friend, Tracy and her husband, left me with their 1-year-old twins for the night.  I know…I know…who do you call CPS on first?

Ryan: How’s the babysitting? They’re down for the night, yes?

Me: Sleeping like baby angels!

Ryan: How many times have they checked in?

Me: Just twice.  I did just send them this…

Dear Tracy and Tim,

Thank you for entrusting me with your two perfect babies. We are having a wonderful time. A few notes… First, you might notice that your son now calls you “Mummy” with a British accent. We apologize, Xavier thought it would be funny. Also, your other nephew, Liam has some concerns that my fake theatrical crying (when I stubbed my toe) might have made your daughter develop an ‘overdeveloped sense of schadenfreude’. His words, not mine. Lastly, I hope you don’t mind that your darlings now call raisins by their proper name…”Lies”.

Miss you! Hugs!
Megan

Ryan: Okay, two issues…  First, what is your issue with raisins?

Me: They’re the worst things that ever happened.  Overstating?

Ryan: But, they had those really cool commercials in the 80’s.  They had merchandise!

Me: If they were so great, they never would have had to sing and dance. The only reason chocolate advertises, is to keep you from buying OTHER chocolate.

Ryan: Point made.

Me: What’s the other issue, you said there were two issues?

Ryan: Oh, just that they’re never going to leave you alone with their children again.

Me: Agreed.