You Have Your Place Of Worship, And I Have Mine…And Mine Has Churros

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It should come as no surprise that Ryan and I are lapsed Catholics.  I’m 90% sure if we stepped across the threshold of a church, that flames would erupt.

Ryan: You going to church?

Me: Why would I go to church?  In the middle of the week?

Ryan: It’s Ash Wednesday.

Me: Ohhhhhhh…that.  No, I don’t want schmutz on my head.  I’m going to Costco, though.  Need anything?

Ryan: Costco instead of church.  What would Jesus say?

Me: He’d say ‘Don’t buy the giant thing of chicken salad, again, you’ll never finish it.’.

Ryan: What would your grandmother say?

Me: She’d say I was going to hell…and to ignore Jesus and get the chicken salad, so she can score half of it.

 

We All Know This Guy…And Someday He’s Going To Drive A Very Big Truck

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Xavier: “There’s this kid, Luke, in our class, and he’s such a jerk.  He’s constantly starting fights with people, but he’s the smallest kid, so people can’t beat him up because they’d get into trouble.”

Me: “Well, maybe the reason why he’s always starting fights is because he’s so much smaller, and he’s feeling insecure.  It can’t be fun being the smallest boy in the seventh grade.”

Xavier: “But then he shouldn’t TRY to make people mad all the time!”

Me: “Think about how it would feel being him, when everyone’s getting bigger, and you’re still small.  Put yourself in his shoes.”

Liam: (whispering) “Yeah, Xavier…put yourself in his teeny tiny shoes.”

Don’t Get Me Started On Unexpected Boners

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One of the many things you have to negotiate when you’re teaching, is that you’re either constantly trying to hold in a fart, or trying to control a classroom full of people who failed at the same.

Student: *farts with a look of abject horror and embarrassment*

Me: “Sweetie, it’s okay, everybody does it, and if you didn’t do it, you’d explode, and we’d all miss you very much.”

D’Avonte: “Yeah, but we won’t miss the smell.  The fuck did you eat?”

Now, I Can’t Unsee It.

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Ryan: “Has Matthew ever been with a woman?”

Me: “No, he’s what we refer to as a ‘Gold-star Gay’.  He’s only been with dudes.”

Ryan: “Never tried it out, huh?”

Me: “He refers to the vagina as ‘The Eye of Sauron’.  Vaginas never had a chance.”

At Least He Knows His Music

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To give some background, Liam has the world’s worst math teacher, whose failed grading policy was offensive to me both as a parent AND a teacher.  Seriously, if I tried to explain it to you, your head would explode, but suffice to say, because of her “system” 80% of her students were failing her class.  I had a meeting with the entire admin and grade level, where I laid out the stupidity of the policy, and now…amazingly…my kid is passing math.  *eye roll*

Ryan: “How’s Liam’s math grade?”

Me: “Well, he’s mysteriously gone from an 55% to an 89%.”

Ryan: “Does he seem happier in the class?”

Me: “I think the ship has sailed.  He doesn’t say anything, but that kid can hold a grudge.  I think he hates her.”

Ryan: “How can you tell?”

Me: “He hums Carmina Burana when he does his math homework.”

Ryan: “Yup.  He hates her.”

If Any Of You Are Looking To Score…I Know A Guy.

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kckfwff

Caolinn: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m googling some old students.”

Caolinn: “Awwww, that’s sweet.  To see how they’re doing?”

Me: (incredulous look) “To see who’s doing time, and what they were arrested for…I have some bets to settle.”

Caolinn: *blank stare*

Me: “Keep disapproving; if Danny Jones has been picked up for drug trafficking, it’s worth a twenty.”

 

(And before any of you judge me, *Danny Jones was arrested for dealing cocaine IN FIFTH GRADE.)

*Clearly, not his real name.