I Cannot Express To You HOW Small It Was


My dearest D’Avonte was prepping for homecoming, and decided, wisely, to bring her dress in BEFORE the dance, so I could let her know if it was going to get dress-coded.

Me: “Okay, let me see this dress.”

D’Avonte: (Holds it up in front of herself.) “Soooo….isn’t it pretty?”


D’Avonte: “What!?”

Me: “I’ve blown my nose on larger pieces of fabric than that.”

D’Avonte: “But it’s pretty!”

Me: “I agree, I just wish there were more of it, because they’re never going to let you wear that to homecoming.  That would be a halter top on ME, and I’m not 6′ 3″ with half a mile of leg. Where did you get this beautiful scrap of fabric?”

D’Avonte: “My friend, Monique gave it to me. She’s a little tramp, too.”

Me: “I can’t wait to see her around the country club.”

This Is Why I Need A Full-Time Handler


Casual acquaintance: “Oh, we just got a new cat, too!”

Me: “What did you name it?”

Casual acquaintance: “Banana, because she’s kind of yellow.”

Me: “Oh, you let your kids name it. You’re so much nicer than I am. I want to let them name our pets, but kids always come up with such ridiculous names.”


Casual acquaintance: “I named the cat.”

Me: “Ohhhhhh…..I’m…..yeah….”

Never Have Balls Been So Disappointing


Me: I’m at the Diamondbacks game. It’s only 10 minutes in, and they’re down by 3 runs. This isn’t going to be pretty.

Ryan: The season’s almost over. They’re looking forward to playing golf.

Me: Judging from the way they’re swinging, they think they already are.

(fifteen minutes later)

Me: Dear Lord, we’re 0-5 at the top of the 2nd. Is there a mercy rule in MLB?

Ryan: No. There should be a mercy rule that if your team sucks that badly, that you get free food and beer.

Me: This season would have been a Public Health Emergency.

Ryan: Baseball Diiiiibeetus.

A Debt I Cannot Repay…


I’m just gonna go ahead and show you some flowers first, before I make half of you mad.

I’m going to go ahead and apologize, because while this entire post will be fraught with references to dicks…none of them will be remotely funny. Maybe if you’re new or just really into a good dick story, read about the time I broke up with someone over Jon Hamm’s penis. It doesn’t disappoint.  (Okay, huge lie, it’s an enormously disappointing story on every level, especially for Jon Hamm.)


Today, I want to take a moment to thank Planned Parenthood.  I want to thank them for the education that I was able to pursue, my health which is relatively stellar, and mostly, for giving me control over my future.  It is because of Planned Parenthood, that I have never needed to have an abortion, and for the fact that I’ve never HAD to make a choice.

Thank you for giving nonjudgmental, factual, realistic education to anyone who wanted it, along with affordable birth control, to keep them safe and healthy. Your work has enabled so many millions of people to live full and happy lives, so that, when they are ready, they can have healthy families.

Thank you, Planned Parenthood, for getting me an immediate appointment when I was 20 and thought I was dying, only to find out that I was the victim of too-tight underwear. Thank you again for when I was 33, and convinced I definitely dying this time, because of a chronically unfaithful partner, and for literally holding my hand until the rapid test showed I was safe.

I’m hardly alone…I know my hands aren’t the only ones you held. Thank you for holding the hands of people that I love, who didn’t get good results, and for handling it with such love, compassion, and care, that they didn’t jump in front of buses or swallow every pill they owned. You steered them to medical help, counseling, and showed them that their lives, while altered, were not even close to over.

Thank you for providing prenatal care to women who have no insurance, but who wanted to do the right thing, and for giving easy affordable cancer screenings for women, who otherwise could never afford it, and maybe wouldn’t have gotten help until it was too late.

And yes, thank you for also providing safe and LEGAL abortion services for those that need it. Thank you for being a beacon of light, so my college roommate didn’t have her sexual assault compounded, by having her body taken over, again, by the son of a bitch who raped her.  Thank you for hiring AMAZING staff, who treated her with such gentleness and compassion, that the only emotion she ever had following her procedure, was a deep and profound sense of relief.  Thank you for ending the days my mother lived through, as a nurse in New York, in the 1960’s, where she saw many, many women lose their lives to blood loss and infection, because they were left to butchers when they were too poor to fly overseas, where it was safe.

Thank you for fighting for all of us, even those who fight against you, because you believe we should have options in our lives. Thank you for fighting the good fight, and getting so many millions of women through not only the best most amazing parts of their lives, but also the hardest and scariest.  Thank you for taking care of our brothers, boyfriends, husbands, sons, and friends, who also count on you for their futures.

Just thank you…

Cats And Dogs…Living Together…MASS HYSTERIA!!!


As you may know, we’ve unexpectedly become cat owners, which has been pretty fine for us, but integrating Sully, the dog, has been a little more harrowing, and I’ve been getting a lot of advice on the matter from friends, who are probably REALLY tired of dealing with my stupidity on the subject.


Me: Best day ever!

Tracy: Why?

Me: He licked the kitty!!!  HE LICKED THE KITTY!!!

Tracy: Before I respond, can we clarify something. Are you talking about your animals…or is this about you and Ryan?

Me: The animals.

Tracy: Sigh. This conversation just got 100% more boring.

At Least Middle Schoolers Are Bullying Using Current Events


Xavier: “Mommmmm!”

Me: “What?”

Xavier: “I need a haircut.”

Me: “You just got your hair cut a few weeks ago.”

Xavier: “Mom!  People kept coming up to me all day, saying, ‘Trump 2016’!”

Okay...he has a point.

Okay…he has a point.

Guys…It Was JUST Rosh Hashanah…Get It Together.


Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.”

Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide eating her is a good idea?”

Xavier: “Dream killer.”