The Happiest Place On Earth Is Now Anywhere With Ibuprofen And Beer

Standard
There is NO INTERPRETIVE DANCE allowed on Thunder Mountain Railroad.

There is NO INTERPRETIVE DANCE allowed on Thunder Mountain Railroad.

In case some of you thought I was dead somewhere (hoping, I daresay), I was merely on Spring Break with my family.  After fooling my kids into thinking they were going to Prescott, AZ with my mother, with the car packed, we revealed the truth…that we were taking them to Disneyland. As exciting as Prescott is, I’m sure you can imagine, they were thrilled at the change in plans.

Because I’m exhausted, have to work today (already!?), and everything hurts…I’ll just share a quick summary of Le Disney.

1. Nothing looks as smug as the faces of people passing you in the Fast Pass line.  Oh, yeah…well, I’ve got a pocket-full of California Screamin’ tickets set to ripen in a 10 minutes…then we’ll see who’s smug.

2. The Indiana Jones ride…has a posted height requirement…but should actually have a support bra requirement.  Seriously, it’s like Girls on Trampolines in there.  The happiest place on Earth?  The security office for that ride, watching the footage.

3. There’s a subtle line between making your children the center of your life, and teaching them that they’re the center of the known universe. Annnnd I saw that line crossed, on the daily.

4. I don’t care how many Mickey-shaped beignets you just ate…  Thou shall not joke about cocaine use at Disneyland.  Apparently, that joke doesn’t go over well in the Magic Kingdom.

5. I’m probably in the vacation photos of a million strangers, but only 4 of my own.  Yes, family from Indiana, that is me, and yes, that was my third churro…don’t fucking judge.

6. My daughter can spot a “famous Vine-r” from 50 paces away, but doesn’t know who Angie Harmon is, when she’s standing 10 feet away.  (She’s lovely by the way, and her daughters are insanely beautiful…shocker.)

7. On every ride this happened…

Cast member: “Have a great ride!”

Caolinn: “You, too!”

*facepalm*

8. You know those cameras, where they snap a picture of you, mid-ride?  After looking like a mental patient in 30 of them, this is what happens.

IMG_0136

Now, back to work.  Grumble, grumble.

Megan McMcerson…Internet Cautionary Tale

Standard

Yup…this is how that date would go.

About a year ago, someone with a traditionally female name, who went to my high school, added me on Facebook.  We had 30 friends in common…I stupidly accepted.  They only had pictures of dogs, and never interacted with me in ANY way, so, frankly, I forgot they were in my friend list.  Then, out of nowhere, this person, who, as it turns out is a guy, starts posting come-ons on my Facebook wall, in front of God and everyone (read: my mother).  Obviously, this resulted in deletions and un-friending, but…that still didn’t get through to him, apparently.

Tracy: “Did you block that idiot?”

Me: “Yes, but first he tried to re-add me twice, and when I deleted them, the private messages start.  The first one repeats exactly what he wrote on my wall, and the second one says, ‘It’s okay if you have a boyfriend. we can still hang out’.”

Tracy: “What the fuck!?”

Me: “Right?  I’m going to take that bait?”

Tracy: (laughing) “I think you should..it’s good to make new friends.”

Me: “Oh, God…I can’t wait to have that conversation with Ryan.  ‘Hey, so, yeah, there’s this guy I went to high school, who I don’t remember, who has no social skills to speak of, who keeps asking me out, but he said it was cool if we just hung out, so…I’m gonna do that, ‘kay?’ Jesus, he’d dump me just so he wouldn’t be the boyfriend of a dead girl.”

Tracy: “Maybe he WANTS to be portrayed in a Lifetime Original Movie.”

Me: “No man wants to wind up on Lifetime.”

Tracy: “CSI?”

Me: “Stop selling this, please, either way, I wind up a skin suit.”

Tracy: “Hmmm…yeah…that.”

Damn It, WordPress…You’re Making Me More Insane Than I Already Was

Standard

 

 

Funniest_Memes_miami-be-like-it-s-so-cold_12110

 

***Guys something weird happened with this post today, when I scheduled it to hit later in the day, and it didn’t allow comments, etc, so I’m re-posting.  Not that you WANTED to comment, but fuck if I know.***

 

Me: “Okay, what did we learn the three states of matter are?”

Class: “Solids, Liquids, and Gasses!”

Me: “Awesome! Now, which state is generally the coldest?”

Student: “Alaska!”

Me: *facepalm*

As Jimi Hendrix Once Sang…”Excuse Me While I Kick This Guy”

Standard

3001

(A loud smacking noise comes from the boys’ room.)

Me: “Boys…I am tired of telling you that violence doesn’t solve problems.  Do you need a seriously long timeout?”

Liam: “What if there was a guy…and his name was ‘Violence’, and his job was to fix other people’s lives, and then we could say, ‘Violence DOES solve problems!'”

Me: (death stare)

Xavier: “Dude…shut up…or the violence will just be beginning.”

Everyone Loves A Fancy Pussy

Standard

D’Avonte brought her new crop top to show me, which she couldn’t even wear to school, and I sent a picture of it to Ryan, next to a dollar bill for size reference.

Me: This is D’s new shirt.  I’m pretty sure it’s a size 2T. (Toddler size 2, for you non-parents).

Ryan: That wouldn’t fit my 7yo daughter.

Me: I know; I have bigger bras than this.

Ryan: I think Shadow has bigger shirts than that.  Not that I dress my cat, mind you. She likes to set her own fashion.

Me: Well, now I know what you do when you’re alone.

Ryan: Yes, it’s all Sports Center and picking out sassy outfits for my cats. Turned on?

Me: Yes, my loins are all aflame.

Ryan: Then let me tell you about their shoe collection…

Kid…We’re Upping Your Adderall.

Standard

b1908eb3f80fbcb62b467ebd6b53cf22f766eb41304ccfbb2096ad3978b40818

While hanging out at my parent’s house…

Caolinn: “Stop touching mom’s phone!”

My dad: “What?  What’s happening?”

Me: “Nothing, Dad.  My son just keeps touching my phone.”

Xavier: “Wait…your son?  Is it me?”

Me: “Are you touching my phone?”

Xavier: “No.”  (looks at Liam, holding my phone) “Oh…your other son.”

Caolinn: (under her breath) “Idiot.”