I Can’t Get Through ONE Friggin’ Lesson.



As most of you know, I teach special education, and a good number of my students have difficulty with one or more areas of learning.  My language arts period is for students with learning disabilities in reading, and uses a variety of drills to help kids learn to break words down and decode them more easily.  This is one of the easier ones, but, as usual, I can’t get through ANYTHING without D’Avonte making it interesting.  They were supposed to be adding suffixes to words…

Me: “Add a suffix to happy.”

Class: “Happiness!”

Me: “Add a suffix to beauty.”

Class: “Beautiful!”

Me: “Add a suffix to self.”

D’Avonte: “SYPHILIS!”


Every Day I Don’t Find Jim Henson’s Hand Up His Ass, I’m A Little Surprised


Seriously…you see it, too, right?


Me: “My dog looks like a Muppet.”

Ryan: “Like Sesame Street?”

Me: “No, more like he looks like that thing that lives on Jabba the Hutt’s ass.”

Ryan: “Salacious Crumb?”

Me: “Huh?”

Ryan: “The thing that lives on Jabba’s ass…his name is Salcious Crumb.”

Me: “You just made that up.”

Ryan: “I did not.”


Ryan: “What!?”

Me: “I have to sleep with you.”


The Craig’s List Hooker…Like Her Herpes…Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving…


In case you missed the previous posts (exhibit A, exhibit B), or you’ve just mentally blocked them (and I wouldn’t blame you…horrifying), my friend, Malka, keeps getting contacted by “Johns” looking to hire a hooker named Ciara.  I almost feel sorry for this last one.  Almost.  (Okay, I so totally don’t.)



**UPDATE**  He replied, y’all, he replied!


The Second Worst Sibling Interaction Revolving Around Star Wars


Caolinn: “So my friend Ana is dating a Junior, and he seems really, really nice, but I don’t think it’s going to last.”

Me: “Why?”

Caolinn: “He kind of demands all of her attention when they’re together, and it’s getting on her nerves.  He’s just really clingy.”

Xavier: “Clingy?  You mean like Yoda on Luke’s back when they were training.”

Caolinn: (look of utter disbelief) “Well, I guess we know why YOU’RE never going to have a girlfriend.”

Also, I’m Pretty Sure My History Teacher Was Hung Like A Mule, If That’s Your Thing

This has NOTHING to do with this post...I just find it hilarious, and I'm too tired to make a meme about an ass right now.

This has NOTHING to do with this post…I just find it hilarious, and I’m too tired to make a meme about an ass right now.

(A conversation by Facebook messenger…)

John: “Jesus, have you seen the magazine cover of Kim K’s ass?”

Me: “I fucking hate her…how would I have seen that?”

(Posts photo to conversation.)

Me: “That CANNOT be real.”

John: “I don’t even care if it’s real, it’s amazing.”

Me: “So, to be clear…if all it takes to impress you is a circus tent ass, let me introduce you to my high school chemistry teacher…she’s you type.  She couldn’t even walk between desks.  Mind you..she’s probably 60 by now.”

John: “Yes, but is she single…”

Pretty Sure That Birthmark On Your Ass Is The Sign Of The Beast


Xavier: “I can’t wait to see Big Hero 6, because six is my favorite number.”

Liam: “That’s because you’re the devil.”

Xavier: “Then you’re the devil’s twin…how’s that working out for you.”

Once Daily Cialis…Fighting For Boners…Two Side-By-Side Bathtubs At A Time



(Before you accuse me of an ethnic slur…I’m Italian…I’m allowed.  Also, it’s a total compliment to the male half of my people…)

Standing in my parent’s kitchen, overhearing yet another advertisement for erectile dysfunction medication…

Caolinn: “My heart isn’t healthy enough for sexual activity.”

Me: “Good, because my heart isn’t healthy enough for you to have sexual activity.”

My Dad: “What are you guys talking about in there?”

Together: “Nothiiiiiiiing.”