When A Man And Woman Love Each Other VERY Much…And Have A Hall Pass

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(A conversation via text…)

Me: Is today the day you’re at the Phoenix Open?

Ryan: I wish…still in the office, otherwise known as Super Bowl Central.  I’m saving my media pass for the Open for Sunday.

Me: If if makes you feel better, the only passes I get at work are restroom passes, and they’re not even for me.

Ryan: Luckily all of my reporters can use the restroom by themselves, so I don’t need those.

Me: See, I have to make sure my kids ARE using the restrooms BY THEMSELVES.

Ryan: In theory, what would happen if they caught two kids doing it in the bathroom?  Could they fire you?

Me: No, they’d just make me keep the resulting babies.

Ryan: I’d rather be fired.

Me: Word.

 

Ready…Aim…FIRED!

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dumb

(Yes, I text my teenager on her lunch hour to bitch about OTHER teenagers.)

Me: I’m subbing on my prep for the Drafting teacher, and I’m watching this girl flirt with the boy across from her by pretending to be stupid to get his attention.

Caolinn: Ugh.  Idiot.

Me: I want to throw markers at her.

Caolinn: Please do.  Throw red ones, they’re more alarming and make sure to take the caps off first.

Me: And as I do, I’ll scream, “NOT. ON. MY. WATCH.”

Caolinn: They can’t fire you…you’re just teaching her.

George Lucas…Trying To Undo All The Boners He Created With Leia’s Gold Bikini

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(Yet another late night text conversation with Ryan that goes awry.)

Ryan: Morgan just informed me that she’s never having children, because Star Wars 3 freaked her out.

Me: She should be more freaked out about how awful that movie was, but maybe, as a father, that’s an enviable position for you to be in.  “That’s right, Morgan…SEX KILLS.”

Ryan: It’ll be like when C. Everett Koop said it, and ruined the sex lives of all American teenagers throughout the 80’s.  Never trust a man with a beard, but no mustache.  It’s unnatural.

Me: Yes, the 80’s…where we all kept it in our pants for fear of death and I owned two pairs of jelly shoes.

Ryan: Nice. Parachute cargo pants. I owned three pairs in different colors.

Me: OMG.  I’m dating you.

Ryan: Oh, but I looked goooooooooooood.

Me: I think we just found the real reason you couldn’t lose your virginity in the 80’s.

 

 

I Don’t Want To Hear Another Word For 28 Days, D’Avonte

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For those of you who are new…D’Avonte, easily one of my favorites (okay, they’re all my favorite), is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag queen, who comes to school in full regalia every day.  I’m frankly not sure how I get anything done with this much fabulousness going on.

This is what happens when I’m trying to teach math, y’all. Please picture the entire conversation in a stage whisper…

D’Avonte: “Miss McMcerson…Miss McMcerson!”

Me: “What?”

D’Avonte: “I got my period.  Do you have a pad?”

Me: (Shaking my head)

D’Avonte: “Miss McMcerson…I need a pad.”

Me: “This is your sixth period this month.”

D’Avonte: “I need a pad.”

Me: “What you need is a health class.”

It Probably Wouldn’t Look Good If I Tried To Sell A 15-Year-Old Girl On Craig’s List, Would It?

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Me: “Why isn’t this remote working?”  (shakes it)

Caolinn: “It’s because it’s old…like you.”

Me: (glare) “Watch it.”

Caolinn: “Watch what?  Your hair turn gray?”

Me: “I’m going to shave you when you sleep.”

Caolinn: “You can’t…you’re like 280 in dog years, so you need your rest.”

Me: “Keep digging that grave.”

Caolinn: “Which one?”  (smirks)

Cakes Shaped Like Genitalia Lack The Subtlety Our Family Craves

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(In the midst of discovering the wonder that is a Starbucks chocolate cakepop.)

Me: “Oh, my, God, why is this so good!?”

Caolinn: (shrugs)

Me: “I’ve got it…it’s like the world’s most delicious Ding Dong in my mouth.”

Caolinn: *SNORT*

Me: “Shut up.”

 

**For my non-American friends…a “Ding Dong” is both a chocolate cupcake-like thing that will no doubt kill you slowly, and also one of the 4-million terms that America has invented for ‘penis’. Go USA!**

I Need To Rethink My Seduction Techniques

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Ryan: “God it’s cold in here.”

Me: “Are there some Toros in the atmosphere?”

Ryan: (pause) “What?”

Me: “From Bring It On…you know…’Brrrr, it’s cold in here…there must be some Toros in the atmosphere’.”

Ryan: “Never saw it.”

Me: “Well, I know what we’re doing Saturday.”

Ryan: “Robbing me of any semblance of manhood?”

Me: “It has girls in short skirts.”

Ryan: “Aren’t these girls in high school?”

Me: “Ohhhhh…true.”

Ryan: “Who are you!?  Am I talking to Chris Hansen, again!?”

Me: “Again?”

Ryan: “I said nothing.”