The Thunderdome, Elementary School Edition


Student: (Getting in another student’s face) “What? You know you’re scared of me. You know that if I step up, you’re backing down.”

Me: “Dude, ten minutes ago you were running away from someone because you said they had cooties. Cooties aren’t very gangster. Just sit down.”

Detachment Parenting



A text conversation that took place with my friend, Maya, because of this post…in which my son gave a thinly veiled threat of cannibalism.

Maya: Come to my house.  You’re safe here. We’re all vegetarians.

Me:  I’ll be right over, but I’m leaving the kids behind…clearly, they can’t be trusted.

Maya: It’ll be like Lord of the Flies at your house. Plus side, you’ll be safe over here, and I have alcohol.

Me: Okay, but nobody better call CPS….be cool.

And This Is Why I Sleep With One Eye Open, Folks


125021 As we sit over a family dinner at my parent’s house…

Liam: “I love steak.”

Xavier: “Me, too.”  (contemplative look) “Hmmm…”

Me: “What?”

Xavier: “When you really think about it…  Well, everyone’s just made out of meat, really.”

Me: (reaching over slowly for his knife)

Drug Interactions And The Single Girl



John: “What’s going on Saturday?”

Me: “Going to dinner with a pharmacist.”

John: “New guy?”

Me: “Mmmhmm.  Hopefully, he doesn’t make my top five list for worst first dates of all time.  He’d have to really pull out all the stops to oust one of those guys from their positions.”

John: “Like talk with his mouth full?”

Me: “Pfffft.  Like pull a severed head out of a bag.”

John: “Usually people leave those in the car.”

Me: “Right!?  Manners!”