Kid…We’re Upping Your Adderall.

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While hanging out at my parent’s house…

Caolinn: “Stop touching mom’s phone!”

My dad: “What?  What’s happening?”

Me: “Nothing, Dad.  My son just keeps touching my phone.”

Xavier: “Wait…your son?  Is it me?”

Me: “Are you touching my phone?”

Xavier: “No.”  (looks at Liam, holding my phone) “Oh…your other son.”

Caolinn: (under her breath) “Idiot.”

 

My Ass Muscle Is The One That Holds My Dignity In.

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Ryan: “I feel that I should introduce you to the joys of the Cream Pie Shake.”

Me: “I feel that I should introduce you to the fact that I’m lactose intolerant.”

Ryan: “You eat cheese all the time!”

Me: “Fermented dairy, for some reason, doesn’t bother me, but straight ice cream or milk, I blow up like a balloon.”

(silence)

Me: “Grossed out?”

Ryan: “Not at all…just trying to decide if I should get you to drink one anyway, so we can get your first fart out of the way.  It’s going to happen one of these days, Megan.  It might as well be a controlled scenario.”

Me: “Ryan, this isn’t just some stupid forest fire we’re discussing, this is FARTING.  This is SERIOUS.”

Ryan: “Somewhere, a family of deer disagrees with your priorities.”

Please, Whatever You Do…Don’t Ask Him How Much A Candy Bar Cost in 1952

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(Ironically, my father complains when my daughter texts all the way to school…if only he knew.)

Caolinn: Grandpa’s been complaining about a 20 cent increase in the price of a McMuffin for ten minutes.  Please send a rope.

Me: Snort

Caolinn: “It’s a twenty percent increase!  That’s INSANE!”

Me:That’s fabulous.

Caolinn: Glad you think so, because guess who’s gonna be late to school because of breakfast sandwich inflation?

Me: I’ll call the attendance office.

Caolinn: God, I can’t wait to hear that one.  “Reason for tardy? Depression-era sandwich rage.”

Although, I’m Pretty Sure Goldie Hawn Could Have Birthed The Anti-Christ

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D’Avonte: “Miss McMcerson, what’s the name of that movie…the guy’s like a carpenter or something.”

Me: “Jesus?”

 

Annnnnnd the movie ended up being Overboard. I was SO damn close.

He Clearly Doesn’t Know I’m Paid In Post-Its and Leftover Graham Crackers

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Me: “Ugh. I’ve got to put money in my daughter’s account.”

Student: “Her account?”

Me: “Her lunch account.”

Student: “Ohhhhhh, I thought you meant a bank account. I was gonna say, ‘God, I wish I was white.'”

Someone Please Bring Me A Pizza Covered In Xanax

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Today, my darling 15-year-old daughter, has her first ACTUAL date with an ACTUAL boy.  (She’s been dating robots for years…don’t judge.)  And, I know…it’s on Valentine’s Day…cue the Seraphim.

This is just the beginning…the beginning of a long line of lessons that she, and her friends will have to learn.  While I’m not ready to impart ALL of these things to her now, I promise that, at some point, when they’re appropriate, I will. Even though she won’t listen to me AT ALL…just ask my mother.

Still…at some point…

1a. If someone tells you they are “too special” for most people, then the special person they need is a psychiatrist. Instead of giving them YOUR number, give them their number.

1b. If anyone tells you “You’re the only one who understands me,” it might be because they’re insane, and you’re the only one who hasn’t caught on, yet.  Do you really want to date the emotional equivalent of Nell?

2. If he takes longer to get ready than you do, run.  First, NO ONE takes longer to get ready than you do (seriously, Caolinn…what the fuck is taking you so long), but while a certain amount of vanity in women is understandable, vain men aren’t to be trusted.  Yes, I said something sexist…it won’t be the last time.

3. You do not have to “earn” someone’s love.  Girl…he isn’t a slot machine, and you ain’t getting your quarters back.  The only prize you get at the end is an asshole who knows you’ll take abuse in exchange for minimal reinforcement.  Anyone you have to chase…you will never truly catch.

4. Don’t be someone’s transitional relationship.  When you’re with someone who still has someone else in their heart, you are in the world’s LEAST sexy threesome, where the lubricant is tears. If he talks about another woman so much that you know her middle name, but he doesn’t know yours, then you’re just the therapist who he gets to put his penis on, and when he’s finally over her, and he’s done with therapy…well, you get the picture.

5. If your friends hate your boyfriend, either they have personal issues, or they have a point.  Don’t ditch one for the other, and don’t take out the trash until you know who stinks.

6. Look at THEIR friends.  If the guy you’re thinking about dedicating your time to hangs out with druggies, cheaters, douchebags, idiots, criminals, or losers…then chances are he’s one of them…or a United States Senator.  Same difference.  If you lay down with dogs, you get fleas…or in this case, chlamydia.

7. Sex isn’t everything…unless you’re not getting any, then it becomes everything.  It’s only a matter of time before you start buying batteries in bulk and trying to figure out how big your co-workers’ dicks are through their slacks.  Say “hi” to Human Resources, for me, will you?  And, no, you can’t move home when you get fired, so get it together.

8. Beware the social chameleon.  If a person flips a switch and changes completely when he’s in public vs. when he’s alone with you…RUN.  A stable person doesn’t need more than one personality, and hopefully that one personality doesn’t fall under the heading of “dick”.

9a. There is a fine line between being realistic and settling.  Yes, no person is perfect, but do NOT settle.  Don’t date down…EVER.  You will regret it.  Every time.

9b. Be totally okay with being “alone” (Which you never truly will be, because you should surround yourself with people who love and support you.)  Being with someone, for the sake of being with someone, will make you more alone than you can ever possibly imagine.  Picture what you realistically want in a relationship, and wait for it. It’s better to be single, with even the faintest hope of something great, than chained to a lifetime of mediocrity because you feared loneliness.

10. Be your own best friend.  If, standing outside your situation, you can see that if your BEST FRIEND was in that same situation (relationship, etc.), that you would slap the living shit outta her…then slap away, bitch…save yourself.

11. Lastly, and this is so goddamn important… You will change and grow and evolve…but let that be on YOUR terms, and be with people who love you for who you are TODAY.  If you want to change him, or he wants to change you, then you don’t love each other…you love an idea.  Ideas aren’t always good, and ideas don’t always work.  Just ask DeLorean, Hitler, and Trump’s hair stylist.  People aren’t projects, and your relationship shouldn’t need a Pinterest board and a hot glue gun.

And there I leave you…for now.  As I’m writing, I’m thinking of so many MORE things, but they will have to wait for another day and another post.  In the meantime…have fun tonight, my sweet, sweet girl.  Have fun…let him hold your hand, but tell him to keep his tongue in his mouth.  It’s a first date…not a frat party.

Meanwhile, Men Everywhere Are Just Hoping For Red Meat And A Blowjob

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Ryan: “If you could get anything you wanted for Valentine’s Day, what would you want?”

Me: “I’d want for Jon Stewart to take back his resignation and promise to stay on the Daily Show until the end of time.”

Ryan: (Blank stare.)

Me: (Raised eyebrow.)

Ryan: “Anything else?”

Me: “A unicorn.”

Ryan: “Soooo…tulips and chocolates it is!”