Shhhhh, Mommy’s Other Personality Is Talking

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Me: “Hey!  Leave settle down back there and leave your brother alone! Santa is watching!”

Xavier: “Pffffft.  Mom, that’s not going to work, anymore.”

Me: “Why not?”

Xavier: “You know why!”

Me: “Xav…Santa is WATCHING.”

Xavier: “But you’re Santa.”

Me: “Think about it.”

Xavier: “Ohhhhhh….”

Liam: “Therrrre we go.”

I Dedicated My Life To Children, Why?

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Me: “We’re doing Spirit Week at school.  I’m supposed to wear all purple tomorrow.”

Liam: “Do you have anything purple?”

Me: “Nope…I’m going to have to be un-spirited.”

Liam: “What’s the next day?”

Me: “It’s Dress-Like-A-Nerd Day, I can do that one.”

Xavier: “You do that one every day, so yeah.”

Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Folly

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I went conservative.  Or my version of conservative...

I went conservative. Or my version of conservative…

While shopping at Target for an ornament exchange I was attending, for an organization I’m involved with, that supports and connects LGBTQ community members with peers and some straight allies.

Caolinn: “What do you want to get?”

Me: “It has to be a un-traditional and fun, bordering on campy.  Those are the ones that everyone fights over.”

Caolinn: “How about this one?  It’s masculine, but also sort of sexy.”  (Holds up Superman ornament complete with abs.)

Me: “Lesbians outnumber the men 10:1 at this thing, I have to find something for my ladies who like ladies.  Wait…do they have Wonder Woman?”

Caolinn: “Nope, but they have this…”  (smirking)

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Me: “Too far.”

 

(Ironically, someone else brought it, and it was a huge hit.  *sigh*)

Remember When I Got To Teach Reading? Those Were The Days…

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So…my friend D’Avonte was wearing a black mini-dress with lace tights and stilettos, because…it was a Tuesday.

Me: “Dee, if you’re going to wear a short skirt, you’ve got to sit lady-like…knees together, sister…knees together.”

D’Avonte: (laughing) “What’d you see!?  What’d you see!?”

Me: “I saw a flash of white, which given your outfit and your skin color seems unusual, so let’s, please, keep it classy.”

D’Avonte: (throwing hands to the sky) “Jesus, help me!”

Me: “We can all use all the help we can get today, apparently.”

D’Avonte: “True.  You know, Miss M…Jesus IS everywhere.”

Me: “Awesome, so he can see what I can…think about that when you’re sitting.”

D’Avonte: (theatrically crossing legs)

Me: “Thank you.”

D’Avonte: (gesturing to crotch) “I don’t need Jesus all up in there.”

Me: (facepalm)

 

Hemlock and Laxatives…Here We Come

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(Getting back in the car.)

Me: “You totally drank some of my iced tea, didn’t you?”

Caolinn: “I did it in front of you, before you got out of the car.”

Me: “I hate when you do that.  You know I don’t like people drinking from my drink.”

Caolinn: “Would you prefer that I did it behind your back?”

Me: “I’d prefer that you didn’t drink my stuff at all.”

Caolinn: “Well…I think we both know that’s not going to happen.”

Fa La La La La La La La Fucking A

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As we stood in the middle of a huge community Christmas event, surrounded by wailing and shrieking children.

Caolinn: “I don’t like these sounds.  Mom…I’m tying my tubes.”

Me: “There are just so many of them.”

Caolinn: “Seriously, look at that woman, she has like six kids under six.”

Me: “Maybe instead of passing out candy canes, they need to be passing out condoms.”

Caolinn: “Too far, Mom.”

Just Wait Until We Get To Narwhals

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Me: “So why would a polar bear need black skin?”

D’Avonte: “Because black is beautiful!”

Me: “True, however…anyone else?”

Josh: “Because it absorbs heat?”

Me: “Good one, Josh!  Okay, so they have black skin, but they have white fur.  It would make sense, to get more heat, to have black fur, so why do you think they have white fur?”

D’Avonte: “Girrrrl. because white fur makes them look fly as hell.”

Me: (sigh)  “Anyone else?”