Right…That’s Why You Gained 10lbs. Suuuuuure. *wink*

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Fellow smartphone users who are unhappy with the size of their asses…  There is this awesome app, that I adore, called My Fitness Pal (and, no, they haven’t asked me to advertise for them, but now, they should…well…actually…hang on to that thought for a minute, because, like everything on this blog, it’s about to take a dark turn).  Last year, I took off about 16lbs using it  It’s super easy and helps you track all of your activity and food intake.  ANYHOOOO…it has been brought to my attention that among the millions of food listings…that this food item is in their vast library of choices.

 

 

 

 

IMG_8249IMG_7935Who, exactly, is this for?  Either A) You are so anorexic, that you’re concerned about the caloric load of a single blow job, or B) You are giving so much head that it’s effecting your diet plan, in which case…I’d like to see an entry for how many calories giving a blow job burns in the first place.  I’m guessing you still come out ahead.  HA!  A…Head.  Get it?  (sorry, even I hate me right now)

One last thought before I burn in hell…is anyone else concerned that they felt they needed to specify that the sperm was human?  Anyone?

I Should Get A Fucking Oscar For The World’s Longest Running Stage Production

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Some background…  My ex-husband has this funny habit of not paying his child support, and of canceling the kid’s health insurance without telling us.  He’s a winner…it’s a wonder we didn’t last.

Tracy: “So what was his response to the email about the kid’s insurance?”

Me: (laughing) “That I wouldn’t care about things like the kids being able to go to a doctor, if I moved on with my life, and it was time that I finally got over him.”

Tracy: “Oh, please.  You were over him two years into a nine-year marriage.  Can you think of ANYTHING nice about being married to that asshole?”

Me: (long pause) “Well, when we were together, I thought it would be sort of romantic to keep a secret running count of the number of orgasms he gave me.”

Tracy: “Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah.  After all…how hard is it to count to three?”

 

(I also deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for not telling him every time he fucks something up…which is all the time.)

Little Brothers…Pissing Big Sisters Off Since 4,000,000 B.C.

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(My 11-year-old twins and I are sitting in the parking lot, waiting to pick their sister up from the Freshman football game. A teenage boy walks her out to the gate, hugs her, and then she gets in the car.)

*deafening silence*

Xavier: “So…..tell me about your young man.”

Dear FBI, Dump The Handwriting Research…You Need To Look Into Panties

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To be clear…if you’ve been reading this blog AT ALL, you’ll be just as shocked as I am, that I’ve managed to raise a child with common sense bordering on prudishness, but somehow, THAT happened.

Caolinn: “The only good thing about the locker room in gym, is that now I know who I will and will not be hanging out with.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Caolinn: “Oh, you can totally tell who’s going nowhere in life, just by seeing their panties.  You’re wearing a hot pink thong with a hashtag on the crotch?  Pretty sure you’re not making good decisions.  Same for the girls with ‘sexy’ written on the ass.  You’re fourteen…who is that for?  And those stupid Marvel panties that you and I saw in Target and made fun of?  Yeah…I’ve seen them on two different people.  Be your own hero, damn it.”

 

For the record, this is what she’s talking about, where feminism and common sense took a dump in Target’s Junior’s department.

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One Of These Things Is A Brainless Plastic Doll, and The Other Is A Barbie.

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Liam: “Why are the Kardashians famous anyway?”

Me: (panicking)  “Ummm…”

Xavier: “They’re famous for being stupid on camera…like the Honey-Boo-Boo family.  They just wear fancy clothes and too much makeup, and people pay attention to them.”

Liam: “What…so they’re just like Barbies?”

Xavier: “No, Barbie always has a job.”

Me: “HA!”

*high five*

 

Question: How old do you have to be before you find out the truth…that all of Kim K’s fame is because she filmed herself fucking the younger brother of a D-List celebrity?  And that the rest of them are famous for being the sister of of a girl who fucked the younger brother of a D-List celebrity?

If You Get 100% On Your Mid-Term, I’ll Teach You How To Do A Smoky-Eye.

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I promise that the following sentimental soap box will be followed by something ridiculous, because, frankly…that’s my style.

As some of you know, I am a teacher, specializing in students with emotional and behavioral concerns, and I truly believe my kids are the MOST incredible people.  One of my very favorites (and, yes, they’re all my favorites) is D’Avonte.  D’Avonte is just over 6’3″, and comes to school, every day, in full drag.  I love her.  At an age where most teenagers panic over a pimple, she has unabashedly accepted herself, in all of her transgender glory.  Her unapologetic self-acceptance is contagious, making others not only take her, as she is, but also hopefully teaching them to appreciate and embrace people, who differ from themselves.  I wish I had ten-percent of her self-esteem, and a hundred-percent of her ability to strut her ass down the hallways in heels like she’s heading for Milan.

The following conversation took place in my math class with one of her friends…and yes, they were both kidding, so don’t call the police.

Navaeh: “You better stop looking at me like that, or I’m gonna come over there with this pencil and shank your ass.”

D’Avonte: “You can try, but I’m gonna sllllllap you across your face and throw my wig at you.”

 

Seriously, how lucky am I to have these kids?  I am so damn grateful that of all the jobs in the world…this is mine.