Kids, I Only Buy You Halloween Costumes So I Can Steal Your Candy.

My sons both picked out these costumes...welcome to the next three years of my life.

My sons both picked out these costumes…welcome to the next three years of my life.

From last night, while we were costume shopping…

Caolinn: (eye roll) “Awwwwwesome…look at all the slutty choices I have.”

I Am So Stupid, I Can’t Even Avoid Someone Who’s Probably Avoiding Me



Me: “So who wants to hear about how I’m the most embarrassing person alive?”

Tracy: “I do, I do!”

Me: “You know how I’m basically blind in the dark?”

Tracy: “Ohhhhh, this should be good.”

Me: “So, I was handing out pamphlets at the football game, and I walked STRAIGHT up some guy, with the biggest idiot grin on my face, asking if I could talk to him about the budget override…”

Tracy: “And…?”

Me: “He starts talking to me, and I realize he’s the principal I dated summer before last… the one where we broke up and it ended horribly, and we never spoke again.”

Tracy: “Oh, my, God…what did you do?”

Me: “I stammered about how he clearly already knew about the override and then ran for it.”

(deafening silence)

Me: “Nothing?  You’re not going to say ANYTHING about this?”

Tracy: “You exist to make me feel better about myself.”

Me: “I want to argue, and I can’t.”

Touche, Kid…Now Shut Up



For those of you who remember this post…my favorite student, D’Avonte, is a 6′ 3 self-identified drag queen, who comes to school in full regalia every day…and whose look is always on point.  ALWAYS.


Me: (To my assistant) “Seriously, who hasn’t been in this room this week?  I think everyone on campus has evaluated my teaching.”

D’Avonte: (murmuring) “Good thing they’re evaluating your teaching, and not your choice of fucking shoes.”

The Happiest Place On Earth…That Also Scares The Living Shit Out Of You For Sport.



Okay, this is actually an old conversation, from last summer, when I took the kids to Disneyland, but someone reminded me of it last night…

(As the “bellhop” character welcomed us to Tower of Terror.)

Bellhop: “Please enter the library…”

Liam: “Library!? They’re going to make us READ!?”

My Apologies…This Is Going To Be A Rough Ride.



Because the feel of this entire blog is largely ridiculousness, I hesitated to to write about this here, but my heart is hurting so, I feel that I must.

Last night, one of Caolinn’s best friends tried to come out to his parents. In his usual, brilliant, witty, amazing way, he tried to make it easy and sweet, and he (and we) were all hoping for a loving and caring reception to his moment of brave honesty, but what happened instead, was that his parents yelled at him, berated him, told him that they wouldn’t accept it, that he wasn’t allowed to be gay under their roof, and threw away the gift he gave them. As a parent, as someone who loves him, and as a human being who isn’t an ignorant bigot…my heart broke, not only for him, but for all the kids who have faced the same response or worse. We’ve told him that our phones are on, and if, at any point, he needs us to come get him, day or night, we will, but it doesn’t feel like enough.

What I really want to do is bang down his parent’s door and tell them… Your son is brilliant, tall, handsome, and funny. He speaks more languages fluently, at sixteen, than I can say “hello” in at forty. He can program a computer, design a robot, once founded his own micro-nation (legally…I kid you not), and is a loyal and true friend. He’s also gay. And you don’t deserve him.

Thank you for listening to me, guys…I promise I’ll be happier tomorrow.  Probably because I stole their kid and egged their house.

The Sexual Reference Wasn’t As Alarming As The Fad



It all started with them singing Gangham Style…and then the dog, Sully, walked by…

Liam: “Oh….sexy Sully…”

Xavier: “Oppan doggy style.”

Me: (laughing) “Oh Jesus God, don’t say that.”

Liam and Xavier: “Why?”

Me: “It’s a sexual thing…just don’t say it.”

Xavier: “Well, that explains why I got yelled at for saying it in computers.”